I have destroyed our life -Its gone. Payback is sick -its all my fault
I'm dancing with tears in my eyes, Just fighting To get through the night
I'm losing it (losing it) (losing it).With every move i die
I'm faded, I'm broken inside. I've wasted the love of my life
I'm losing it(losing it)(losing it)
well hello, Ke$ha... (so glad i came out the other side, but i'm grateful for a song that i can loose it too when things start to rehash themselves)
Okay, so wow. First of all its 550 am. Once again NO SLEEP! Well i slept, but i never wake at a 'normal' hour or get the 'normal' amount of sleep. shitty.
But i am in disbelief right now. People are just so funny. All you can/should so is laugh when you find yourself in positions of discomfort. I am holding it together pretty nicely. Like, REALLY well. Sometimes you can only be pushed....until you can't.
the snow here has been so perfectly placed. the snow, as it turns out feeds me in a serious way. It makes me forget how i feel here, on earth, in newmarket, in the eyes of others. it makes me remember that we're small and so easily blanketed. i appreciate the feeling of smallness at times. I know that right now i am doing a lot of dangerous things - emotionally. Things that i have been advised against OVER and OVER. But it is not in my nature to listen. i have a hard time taking advice. i don't want to hinder any pain i may feel, because that pain could be my release. it could be the pain the guides me a-w-a-y from destruction. ill take that.
I saw something that disturbed me yesterday. and i cant stop thinking about it. it seems now the effect is on me. Just beginning to talk about it is making me see red on the screen. im not angry, but FUUUUUUUCK!
saying anymore would make me explode so - next topic?
oh, i saw my BEST Richie yesterday. he surprised me and stopped by. There is no on else in the world i love like i love that boy. he is absolutely wonderful. and mindful of me and my feelings. rare.rare. breed....of human. not man. He's coming by to take me to lunch on wednesday and im so excited.
i want to focus on the LOVE in my life. i want to able to knowledge it, eat it, swallow it, ingest it. I want to put all my energy there, and so i will.
i have been so weird, disturbed, rejected, and burned lately, but luckily I've been finding smiles - out in the snow.
these people are back in my life again. aside from the option to breath air - dallas is the most beautiful thing that our bodies both need and want. And season 12 is NO weakling. we've got some real plot twists ahead...
I have been thinking a lot about the girls lately. All my life i can remember being obsessed with murdered women. Not in that way that it entertains me, but i was always deeply effected. I remember not being able to sleep for weeks the first time i found out Dorothy Stratten was dead.
Dorothy Stratten, for those who don't know, was a playboy "model" in the 80's. I believe she even made playmate of the year in 1980. Well she was murdered - shot to death by her jealous ex husband. You see if Dorothy was going to be famous and meet with success Paul had to as well. So when she decided her abusive and manipulative relationship needed to end - she met with dyer consequences. Paul was the one who even sent her photos to playboy, so its a clear story of men thinking they own women. He was obviously more like a pimp than a husband. duh ava. Anyway, for some reason i think about her alot. And not just her - i also think a lot about Dominique Dunne, Rebecca Schaeffer, Lana Clarkson, Elizabeth Short, Sharon tate, Abigail folger, JonBenet Ramsey, Natalie Holloway, Dru Schiden, Anne Scripps Douglas, Bonnie lee Bakley, Brianna dennison, Latoya tash, Kitty Menendez, Martha Moxley, and every other woman who goes unamed and not cared for. Notice most of the women on my list were young white women. Now thats no coincidence.
But ya, so a few summers ago i got into one of my moods. I was FIXATED on Dominique Dunne. I watched 'Poltergeist' over and over. Hoping, i think to know her, to preserve her somehow. to act like she wasn't strangled to death on her own front lawn by ( you guessed it) a jealous ex boyfriend. Who after serving like 2 years in prison went to work at a restaurant near her parents home. sick. But i was obsessed with her. how she died. why. how it could have been prevented. I get in these moods. They can last days, weeks, months....years. It has now been about 7 years that i have been unable to shake the death of Dorothy Stratten. I feel compelled to remember these women. Just because we never touched or shared words does not mean they should skip my mind. I watched 'Star 80' atleast 16 times before sending it back to netflix. Thats the bio film on dorothy.
I am someone who is just SO sensetive, I am deeply touched by people, places, situations. I absord whats around me, always - and with a sharpness.
It's snowing so heavy out, and its soo late. I'll leave you with their faces. good night.
When i woke up this morning i thought i saw the sky falling down. i was happy, thought the world was finally ending. I do wish the end would hurry, there is too much pain in this world.
I've thought long and hard about myself these last few weeks.What do i offer people around me? Am i capable of love and compassion? truely?
Do i deserve friends? because im starting to think thats what this is all about. Maybe i cant. maybe im no good at it. I'm stuck with the past, the past that deems me 'untrustworthy'. And i agree with them. I want to get out of my body, mind, and soul. They're all rotten. I don't know what anyone sees in me, but i see nothing in myself.
I feel like Micheal Myers, except my homicidal rage is latent. But i am bad like that, you know, when your core is rotten.
i want to cut it out of me. this things that makes me disposable. i want to cut out all the parts that people can sense, and that i can sense. Apologies aren't enough, i owe the world more, like blood.
if she ate dirt - then we could forgive her
at times she slips, falls in the snow, and refuses to pick herself up
her ankles are weak,the buckle in at the sight of the gravel
ghosts - push her around
and at times she eats dinner past midnight
the dishes balanced on her window pane
