Abigail

Abigail, the monster in you is bleeding through your nose.
eye. ears. mouth.
and you are crawling towards me. long pencil like fingers scratching the floor as they surge for my throat in the daylight.
this hospital hallway panics me to "get clean!" - not from sins, but apologies.
then i look at you - coming. seizing in my direction. your blue dress riding past your thigh to expose a slip.
and who exactly made wealth slither?
who put you on your belly - begging?
your sudden flatness frightens me. the pause. the thud. the stiffness.
just a vitruvian woman etched into the pure white linoleum - whose body was never her own. what she wanted or who.
But they, the men - will take your dead body and make you a star.

I went to a random cemetery yesterday. Olive and i were walking around, looking at the grave stones. And then i realized where i was and my eyes began to well-up. I have no been to my grandmother, grandfather, cousin, or friends grave since any of them died. My friend being dead only like 2 weeks now and i completely avoided the funeral and such.

i was so moved just standing on that ground. i have always thought cemetaries were beautiful, misunderstood places.

Mandy: Jr's, Cliffs, Mine, and Ours.?

Mandy Winger is CERTAINLY one of my favorite Dallas characters. Not only does she up the level of disgust Sue ellen has for JR (which mind you is the healthiest thing for her)  or that Mandy is also the name of my fav person EVER (Mandy Moore) - she also lasts, and so you are able to identify her as a secondary character. 

Mandy starts out as an alibi for cliff - to prove he didn't shoot and blind bobby (people i tell you, this show is amazing.) this is like the millionth time bobby's been shot because of JR's dirty deals and a long list of enemies. She tries to be Cliffs gf for a while until she slowly begins to realize that he is verbally and emotionally abusive, self centered, arrogant, obsessive prick. All he does and can care about is beating JR, himself, and making his dead daddy proud? uhh, ok Cliff.  So Mandy moves onto JR - which i cant say is any better since i am SURE that character of JR is meant to be a sociopath. He has no clear identifiable emotions and he also has only one mission: Making Ewing Oil the best and keeping it that way. Women come and go, they do not seem to phase him much. His character is definitely built on the misogynist principle that all women are there for you, all the time, to do whatever you like. So when he gets sick of Sue ellen, or rather sue ellen figures out he fucking around on her and stands her ground, he just moves on, picks another.

Part of what fascinates me so much about the show is that it sticks with itself. It doesn't back down - of course they give EVERY character a 3d moment, or some fourth dimension of being. But they do NOT negate facts. For example, in Season 8 they show some softer parts of JR, i do believe he was in love with Mandy. And so we began to see him being a little more open, ACTUALLY looking what could be describe as hurt, or maybe just caught off guard by the random flaring up on emotions. But they never cease to keep JR as he is: the biggest ass hole in the universe. EVER.

I LOVE Dallas and im into converts. I think its the smartest show I've ever seen, and so id like to discuss it with smart ppl (aka all my friends). So i think ill keep track of episodes from now on. I may start with season 3 and need to do a little background, but anything possible in.....Texas? ha. ya, the show is set in RICH Texas. They have a maid named Theresa and a butler named Raul. everything about it is just so deliberate and telling.

Plan C [Stop Caring]

If water was wine it would be coating my throat. I would be- tossing, throughing the bottle into my mouth.
then i would laugh laugh laugh and watch purple rain spill
i'd throw my arms up in hopes of being abducted - and swirl in circle to force the up chuck
i notice, when i see pictures of you, i want to go blind
i was thinking toothpicks in each corner to keep my eyes steady, and to keep them filled
staring, i beg the beat to stop pushing me
but i am on overdrive - and it will come out now
(my animal)
the one that i reluctantly shove under agreeing, smiling politely, taking bullshit, being funny, being understanding, even being respectful - toooo.

and in all of this there is a you, and a coma on my back.


 see, i think i like that you're poison - - cause then you can bury me

Today i did it again. Mistakes. I just don't believe in them, for me. And when i make one [ which i always manage to do even after years of training] - - i release hell.

this wont go unnoticed.

stuck between two lungs

morning. and im up on the roof top makiing sure the rain stops.
face down, and how the fuck did i get here?
my cheeks, swollen with whiskey, are planted against that glass. against that sun roof, for anyone to see.
my hair is not blowing in the wind or porn wet and matted. its tough, tangled and damaged by weather.
my clothes are torn. mostly in the knees, from crawling to you, for you, about you.
I use my weak arms to plunge myself towards concrete, solidity.
[SLAM] the back of my skull hits the ground, and a red river runs through it. mixing with the rain it looked so fake.
did i jump from my window?
It is now my mission. my duty to die on my back here
to let the blood run
to slam my skull
and it will be your duty to pick up my bones. wash them clean, and use them to pick your teeth.
you did always say you'd find use for me.

oh! theres kendall. good to see you, sir

i am learning new lessons everyday.
#1 dont be myself. k.rrrrrr. fuck.
#2 shut my mouth.
#3 keep my eyes to the floor
#4 only speak when spoken to. ding!

how lucky am i?

So i'm already onto Dallas season 8 (again) and it is the one that resonates with me the most. Its the second time we see a battle for Ewing oil. and it gets rough. But i am lucky to be watching, because really - i trust tv characters and learn more from them than anyone else.

congrats

I don't know what to say except: i earned it.

atomic bombs go off in winter

"Uggg the lights flickered again," Miranda gnarled through her teeth.

Even though we drove through the rain storm if didn't seem as serious as it was going to become. Finally after flickering a few times the lights went out for good. (Blackout) And in the dark i stumbled, looking for something to create light. There was nothing - and so the typical blackout behavior began. Board games. Drinking. Sex. Drugs. I fell asleep in the pitch blackness, afraid of nothing for the first time in years.

The next day saw no changes - in fact it was worse. After downing three bottles of wine, playing with endless amounts of glow sticks, and freezing in the NH winter with no heat we decided to make this day investigative. Miranda went off to check for power on campus. She came back with news.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
" So, the deal is that the lib HAD power, but doesn't anymore. I don't have work. And the lamprey river is overflowing - - like an ocean." Miranda's eyes were huge - widened by familiarity.

Roads were closing. and the water was touching the street. The waterfall was fierce and powerful, giving energy i didn't know it had to give.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next day was short lived. I was so depressed and anxious that Miranda and i sat in her car for most of the day. I watched The real housewives on my ipod - Miranda read her homework. I also finished an entire bottle of wine. Swaying on my feet, and laughing much too loud in such a small space.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When the lights came back i was fucking drunk - hopping and skipping through the house. "AH! shit, powers on!" I screamed. It couldn't have happened more perfectly because i was just thinking how I'd like to see things clearer. Once the power was back Miranda, Olivia, and I ran around turning on power strips and plugging in items that needed charging. My phone had been dead the whole time so my first instinc was to wake it up. I did, and then wished i didn't
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I fell into my fucking trash can, slid down the wall, and landed without hope. "I dont know all the details but ramone was shot and killed. I thought you should know!" a text, on my phone. I wasn't sure i was screaming until i felt my heart shaking in my chest. I was screaming in the faces of my roommates. Olivia perched at the end of the bed, and miranda knelt by my side. My face was leaking all over me. Every tear felt like hell. And then i realized, i had to tell my mother. Which was a dreaded thing. My mother and i have an problem - we tend to only exchange painful information when we speak- if we speak at all.

Her first words "I wish they never told you that. you're so sensitive."  "But mom," I quaked through my tears
"he was standing at the bus stop, shot on his way to work and then still don't know if it was robbery or mistaken identity." She shuttled me off the phone with a completely different topic, im sure we wont discuss it again.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
His house was identical to and walking distance from mine. Growing up we used the same bus stops, corner stores, and walking routes. And now another boy is dead - full of bullet holes and bleeding where we used to laugh.