OKAY, nh. Cool your heels on the weird weather. One day it snows, then the next morning its sunny and i barely need a coat. tooo crazy for me.
My friends came to visit this weekend. It's been great. I felt normal, and like im not what i've had drilled into my head these past few years. I haven't felt dangerous, rude, like a bully, violent, evil, slutty or anything. Just...me. And i thank them both for allowing me to be myself and understanding that the core of me is not the same person who reacts to VERY stressful situations with violence and rage. And they're both black, so they more than anyone ive met here can understand how the violence and rage is secondary when you're from where im from. It is inevitable, and only the privileged can even begin to feel above violence. I saw 'Shutter island" this weekend with richie and liz - they talked a lot about violence in the film. Something like "the only thing that matters in the world is my violence and yours. god loves violence, or there wouldn't be so much of it!" DING! My thoughts exactly, i think violence is all we have. It's the backbone of our need to survive. Kill or be killed - - its just that some of us have already had to use it to survive while others get to imagine what violence would be like. And pass judgment on it anyway. fools.
Miranda and i. we're...something. But i alone, am crazy. Whenever things are going really well for us (which is most of the time) i freeze up and dissolve. I often feel she is too good for me, too perfect, too alive. She is not afraid the way i am of the tiniest earthquake. She stands next to me , always, and holds my hand. WHEN did i become this person? WHEN did i become someone who is loved? It is SO fucking uncomfortable, i feel like im in a bodice. The breath, the life, strangled out of me. But she is always there and never gives up on me. The other day i realized that all those reality shows i like about vying for the love of some semi-star is what i experienced at UNH. "For the love of Miranda". And as i keep working on that movie script about the joys and DESTRUCTION of 2 years of my college experience - i think ill have to work that idea in. Because everytime i think about it i laugh so much to myself. So many bodies, blood, and souls for nothing - for no love. for the love thats mine. silly.
Sometimes when i realize how ppl use the internet - like blogs and facebook i vomit in my mouth. When you realize that the internet is only for the intention of alienating ppl, making ppl feel left out, exercising power over ppl through friending, defriending, blocking, and only showing a little of your profile - its sooo sad. I understand not wanting EVERYONE to know EVERYTHING about you - but like, what is there to hide? and from whom? I admit my profile isn't completely visible -but it mostly is. If you're my friend, in the same network, or a friend of a friend you can see my shit. IDC, i got nothing to hide. Besides isn't it a SOCIAL NETWORKING site - how can you involve yourself in either if you're so fucking obsessed with secrecy, and hiding. I think about this a lot because as someone who has abused and been MONSTROUSLY abused through the internet i know how dangerous of a tool it is. I think we all need to practice a little more peace and moving on. I'm working on my end - but with little help its an (almost) dead end.
but face to face is different. face to face the same callousness is not there. only avoidance, only (again) hiding. the internet is too easy to wage war from - its too plain.
I am at the front doors of a huge transition. i can feel my bones quaking. I WANT OUT! And within this transition im looking at "friends" with lots of excavation. I have been in the process of emotionally distancing myself from those who're poison to me. And also, im onto the "friends" that don't really give a fuck and are just acting. UM, ya... i got you. I am sickkkk of being the one who does all the work in all my friendships. I GIVE and give, and all i get back are stares, confusion, confrontation, and irritation. ah. It takes a fucking army for me to get any correspondence that isn't promoted first. annoying. And i cant even remember the last time anyone had ANY respect for the things i like. It's so easy to make fun of fall out boy, dallas, dynasty, old horror movies, music from the 70's and back, lady gaga, tori amos, mandy moore, etc. TOO easy. REALLY. we're friends? I have NO friends that have ever asked to sit down and watch dallas without having to give an hour presentation with fucking charts and billboards about why i like it. NEWS: if you like me, you respect what i like. otherwise. GO! I do not want anymore people who dismiss my likes as silly, violent, anti feminist, weird, rude, dumb etc. sick of it. You want anti feminist? oooo, i wont even go there. WAY too easy.
