we were lovers...now we can't be friends

when ever i need to smile.

Ke$ha - Sleazy HQ Lyrics + Download

i wish this had come to me faster.

maybe the moral higher ground
ain't as high as it seems
maybe we are both good people
done some bad things
i just hope it was okay
i know it wasn't perfect
i hope in the end we can laugh
and say it was all worth it
cuz i have had something to prove
as long as i know something
that needs improvement
and you know that everytime i move
i make a woman's movement
and first you decide what you've gotta do
then you go out and do it
and maybe the most that we can do
is just to see eachother through it

he used you, he used your dead sister

'will you take the needle off the table?"

'YES!'

i do not want to die, but i do want to be killed.
when i am feeling my fucking heart leek from my between my legs - i shrink a bit.
And i dread turning the corner because everyone hates me--
like the way their heads turn into light bulbs to inspect me.
and if it wasn't for the death penalty - you'd fear me.

Can you prove it, jim?

I haven't written about myself in a long time. I've been focusing a lot on getting miranda through her masters, poetry, and emotional care. This week my therapist asked me who makes me feel like myself. I am often uncomfortable around people and with the last 2 yrs of my life being extremely isolating i cannot remember the last time i was okay in a group.

I cannot stop listening to the mamas and the papas lately. i have always loved them - but it seems , now, i am back in that place where i first met them. they keep me sane!
(except for the fact that the lead dude was sexually abusing his daughter the WHOLE time and she ended up on VH1 Dr. Drew celebrity rehab. insane)

 List o' loves:
Miranda
olivia
cathy
Steve
becca
john
Richie
maria
bessie
susie
lex
jess
maddox
-- these people love me. care for me. trust me. and let me trust them. they're love love love and i want to spend more time loving them back!

I am def missing a close friend right now. trying not to be paranoid. i love her, just hope she sees how much i care and that i only want to continue our friendship, not end it<3 love.

I saw Robyn for the first time in YRS last weekend. It was magical. i have missed her, and i am sorry i ever removed her from my life. what blinders i had on. She is a beautiful friend and i love her dearly. I trust her with me love and life. It feels good to be okay with all this security. Usually i am skeptical of anyone who wants to love me.

Okay, so i am working on a new piece. hopefully it will be out by this weekend.

The warrior garden

the marigolds that grow out from under your finger nails really distract me.
you force my head steady - but with a gentle cradle.
there are a thousands pieces of glass in my pocket that i swore to wear as armor. as goosebumps. as a mirror when i saw you.
i even hold some pieces under my tongue- to make sure you can't steal from me.

And the floor is covered in calla-lilies - they're swamping under my feet.
around your neck are a sea of razor blades. fanning and flaring like a ring of feathers

slowly - you lead me to an open space between the drowned flowers. i lay down - almost willingly.
laying back i open my mouth wide. you lean down, ghoulishly and funnel the thousands of pieces of glass from my pocket.

my throat is glowing. - and i choke them all down.
next came the blade, which was not so easy.

opening YOUR mouth you lift a blade from beneath your tongue - and place it under mine.
slicing away - you finally get me to shut the fuck up.

White cannibalism.!

In 2003 a new edition of Equiano’s interesting narrative was released with a slight yet extremely significant difference: Rapper and entrepreneur Jay-z graced the novels cover. Jay-z, a critically acclaimed artist, is distanced from both the subject and author of the work – but only literally. Metaphorically Jay-z and Equiano have attained similar goals. Equiano’s work is noted as an abolitionist text; a text that adamantly supported the abolition of slavery and advocated  black peoples freedom in Western Europe and the America’s. Jay-z’s Black Album creates an identical impact. While Jay-z is not writing for the physical abolition of slavery, as it was abolished in 1833 (1865 in north America), his work advocates for the deconstruction of black images that have become essentialized mythologies.

 Jay-z’s Black Album, a play on the Beatles White Album, brandishes a fourteen song collection of politically charged rap music. In his song Moment of Clarity Jay-Z discusses the importance of his “truth” as an American black man. He begins his song by “thanking god” for the clarity to both see the true world and expose it. He states that this “moment of clarity” is both a gift and a curse, given that he can see the worlds errors but it also plagued by them. Jay-z writes “The music business hate me cause the industry ain't make me. Hustlers and boosters embrace me and the music i be makin’. I dumb down for my audience and double my dollars. They criticize me for it, yet they all yell "Holla". If skills sold, truth be told, I'd probably be lyricly: Talib Kweli.” (Jay-Z. Moment of Clarity). Jay-z uses this verse in the song to expand on how the “business” resents him. He traces this resentment to the fact that the industry did not create him, and furthermore that he differs from the pre-packaged images of black people the “business” pumps out. He goes on to talk about making his music more accessible. He mentions that he “dumb[s] down” his lyrical content for the audience and in turn makes more money. This audience he speaks of is presumably a white audience because both ownership and consumption of rap is statistically at its height among young white men. In the last line where Jay-z cites that if rapping skills mattered he would be equivalent to the superiority of Talib Kweli, he brings attention to many significant points. For one he exposes the fact that rap is not considered a legitimate form of music by writing “if” at the beginning of his last thought. “If” signifies an alternate universe; something that is pre-verbal. That which is referenced through “If” has not happened, and in this case is an inescapable reality. The reality that Jay-z is referring to is one where rap is not considered a skill, but if it were he would be comparable to a Talib Kweli. Talib Kweli, because he considered (alternative) hip hop, does not fall under the same white surveillance as Jay-z.  Alternative hip hop is stigmatized as the talented 10th version of a perceivably inferior original form of music in black society, but through white perception. 

In a more popular cut from his album, 99 Problems, Jay-z details specificity of problems black men face in American culture. Jay-z writes:
The year is '94 and in my trunk is raw. 

In my rear view mirror is the mother fucking law.

I got two choices yall pull over the car or bounce on the double put the pedal to the floor. 

Now I ain't trying to see no highway chase with jake plus I got a few dollars I can fight the case. 

So I...pull over to the side of the road and I heard "Son do you know why I'm stopping you for?" 

Cause I'm young and I'm black and my hats real low, do I look like a mind reader sir, I don't know. 

Am I under arrest or should I guess some mo? 

"Well you was doing fifty five in a fifty four. License and registration and step out of the car. Are you carrying a weapon on you I know a lot of you are" I ain't stepping out of shit all my papers legit. 

"Do you mind if I look round the car a little bit?" 

Well my glove compartment is locked so is the trunk and the back and I know my rights so you gon' need a warrant for that. 

"Aren't you sharp as a tack are some type of lawyer or something? Or somebody important or something?" Nah I ain't pass the bar but I know a little bit enough that you won't illegally search my shit. 

"We’ll see how smart you are when the K-9's come". I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. Hit me  --(Jay-z, 99 Problems).

This quote opens expounds upon the black male experience. Jay-z writes about being stopped by the police and after being asked if he knew why he was stopped brazenly answers “[be]cause I’m young, black, and my hat is low…” Jay-z is referencing that young black males, fitting a list of criteria, are often stopped by police, and that subsequently young black men are reduced to an essentialist consumable portrait. The portrait being “consumable” because it fits the rubric of the primitive, dangerous, black demon construction. Jay-z moves forward to discuss the absurdity of black male perceptions. He talks about the officer asking if he’s carrying and weapon, and before he can answer filling in the blank with “I know a lot of you are.” Here, Jay-z is exposing how white people consume images to black people to the point where they transfer everything to fact. The use “I know” at the beginning of the officers sentence signifies certainty, thought logically he cannot be sure. However it is not logic driving the officers thought process; it is a perception – a mythology. The reason this pathology becomes widely accepted is because of the legacy of blackness being represented as “dangerous” and constantly in reference to hell. One of his last thoughts on the issue is a detailed conversation between the officer and young black male. The young black male is trying to relay that he has no drugs, weapons, or alcohol – that he has done nothing wrong. The officer takes this as mocking and retorts “we’ll see how smart you are when the k-9’s come” asserting his authority and affirmation that the black male was breaking the law. Jay-z bravely asserts this collection of black male experiences as fact. He makes it a point to detail the consequences of a consuming – or rather cannibalistic white culture.

The work of black writers is highly aware of its consumable contexts. Equiano’s narrative and Jay-z’s album both engage in, with, and assert, a cancerous wave of white consumption. What they are both doing is inverting the stereotype that black people – or demons – will eat and consume you. The descriptions of literal threats of being consumed, as displayed in Equinao’s narrative, are mirrored in Jay-z’s metaphorical descriptions of being consumed through his music. The two men aim to invert and destabilize the black “cannibal” mythology. They do so by turning that critique back onto white society and pointing out the obvious ways that white people are the ultimate consumers – and thus cannibals in their own right.