change of plans

For me talking has become unsafe. I never say or do the right thing - im always upsetting someone. I'm wondering if its worth it anymore.

Everyday i wonder why i can't learn my lesson. I obviously see how i make mistakes, how i hurt people with my opinions and beliefes and yet i refuse to change. It is the hardest thing i've ever had to work on. I've been trying to change me personailty, beliefes, and behaviors for two yrs now. Have i gotten somewhere? of course. I've learned not to speak up - uhh, thats sad. But really i am tired of trying to change me, while everyone else gets to be their full selves.

Lets chat..

Hello Everyone!

Welcome to my blog. I'm glad to know that people will be reading this, mainly because i know i have something important to say - and i have the right to do so.

So lets talk about the blog title because i know it will cause anger, confusion, but most of all laughter. Not the kind of the privileged masses, but the laughter of the oppressed. Laughing because statements of this uncomfortable magnitude, at times, are our only weapons. So i named it this because i am a curvy, nurturing, motherly, big breasted, patient, black woman = mammie. I have been perceived and treated as such most of my life, but never as much as when i was part of an all white collective in college. My best friend and i joined this collective with all the best intentions - only to end up be tokenized (duh) and eventually ostracized. I believe that is was my refusal to be their token anymore than brought about my demise in the collective, and the beginning of a recovery period that is about to enter its 2nd yr. I am more confident, and have moved far beyond my initial feelings but unfortunately for me - racism stains.

I plan to open up my life, thoughts, emotions, and intellect to write honestly and clearly about what i see happening around me. I hope it pierces like i mean it to..