if i have to bury one more black man (physically or in my mind), i am going to scream.

i wish i was strong enough to write without titles

this is one of my favorite photographs of all time. If you like "Halloween" you'll understand why this is amazing.

and ya know. i never thought i'd say this but damn it feels good to be wrong :)

Thank you notes

"i feel like everyone is cutting me off from my emotions," i squealed, " why can't i feel what i want?" It took everything in my bones to say this to my therapist yesterday.

"You seem a little down today," said Rachael "Is something wrong?" I didn't know how to tell her what was in my head.

"Ya, i woke up from a bad dream. Was feeling weird. And lately I've had some things on my mind - things that are hard to forget or put away because the impact was so huge. I want my life back!" And as Rachael sat and listened she learned more about me. She learned that i cant stand injustice - no matter how small. I spoke like i knew my feelings, like i knew right from wrong. I uncovered what has been plaguing me and disrupting me: i live a lie

My feelings about the past 3 years of my life are no big secret. I have mentioned it thousands of times as the worst years I've experience since my fathers death. I find myself always dreaming of those years - frightening dreams, night terrors. I dream of my death that was only social and symbolic in life. And i live my life as a lie. It is fake. I am forced to be fake. Close friends want me to get over it and just move on. Other people i can't even talk to because of their own affiliations. and the rest are blind. It forces me into a place of grave digging - - for me and my voice.

"Can i ask...was that when you came out?" Rachael asked the most frightening question.
"I...i think so. I hate to think about it. It makes me feel gross."
"And why's that?" Rachael said. "Because it went so badly" I uttered, "All i can associate is Ava is queer = bad! Even if that's not what it was that's how it came off. How else do you make sense of losing everything under those circumstances?"

i do not think anyone realized the impact of that. Of overshadowing my coming out with.... (this).

i want to send thank you notes - - because my rage is strong now. And i bless myself for being an angry woman

you don't know someone till you work with them

every time i see you living a seemingly normal-happy life, i die a bit. It makes me so sick that you get that freedom - and that you stepped on my life to get it. The old pain is latent now - its the new pain that flares up unexpected. sneaky. and without remorse.

I find myself thinking so hard, about what i DID and DIDN'T do. And it used to be about salvation, ya know. WHY couldn't i save my friendships, relationships, friends. But now, its about revenge or maybe even just bitterness. And I've come to realize bitterness is not the worst, and even  better its none of anyones business what i feel. I can talk for days about how i feel, but no one and i mean NO ONE has the right to comment on it. my blog, my rules. my mouth, my rules. my terrible horrible abusive imprinted and painful college experience. my fucking rules. 

Rachael has only heard pieces of this. pieces. when she hears me rant about it, eyes wide and glistening, waiting for the first tear to drop- she'll understand my obsession. When something pierces this deep its hard to ignore, get over, or move past. And besides anyone who wants me to do that (without realizing the complexity) is probably not my friend and not a respectful person. You cant erase trauma - it comes from the greek word for wound. its a wound. and sadly, there's no meds for it. its just festering and getting infected. I wish i could heal it. but then i don't. If it was healed how would i explain myself? How would i explain the me that was birthed from that HORRIBLE experience? I wouldn't know how.

I used to worry that my words would start a war, but i really don't care anymore. No one who was involved with these feelings care for me, so why should i care what my words might mean to them. its over, its been over. I have to express myself somehow - and i can't wait for people to see me like i want them too, cause they see me how they want. even if its wrong and possibly offensive. No. i deserve to express myself. i do, i earned it. I didn't get the chance before my life went up in flames and has since been 'under construction'.

i want my life back. but it's not there anymore.  and i have done EVERYTHING i could to get it back. i graveled, i degraded myself, went into the lions den and let them tare me apart, died, lived, apologized, and tried will everything i had. But its still gone and ive had to move forward without it.

i have a right to my feelings, don't i? or as a woman, a black woman, a queer...should i shut the fuck up, bow down, and let this eat me alive(again!)?

I NEVER talk about my coming out experience. it stays hidden and buried.  it breaks my heart to remember it. infact, i'm not sure i do.  All i can remember now is feeling something i wish i didn't. I have wished thousands of times i never embraced who i was. i wish i had ignored it.

she sleeps in green

OKAY, nh. Cool your heels on the weird weather. One day it snows, then the next morning its sunny and i barely need a coat. tooo crazy for me.

My friends came to visit this weekend. It's been great. I felt normal, and like im not what i've had drilled into my head these past few years. I haven't felt dangerous, rude, like a bully, violent, evil, slutty or anything. Just...me. And i thank them both for allowing me to be myself and understanding that the core of me is not the same person who reacts to VERY stressful situations with violence and rage. And they're both black, so they more than anyone ive met here can understand how the violence and rage is secondary when you're from where im from. It is inevitable, and only the privileged can even begin to feel above violence. I saw 'Shutter island" this weekend with richie and liz - they talked a lot about violence in the film. Something like "the only thing that matters in the world is my violence and yours. god loves violence, or there wouldn't be so much of it!" DING! My thoughts exactly, i think violence is all we have. It's the backbone of our need to survive. Kill or be killed - - its just that some of us have already had to use it to survive while others get to imagine what violence would be like. And pass judgment on it anyway. fools.

Miranda and i. we're...something. But i alone, am crazy. Whenever things are going really well for us (which is most of the time) i freeze up and dissolve. I often feel she is too good for me, too perfect, too alive. She is not afraid the way i am of the tiniest earthquake. She stands next to me , always, and holds my hand. WHEN did i become this person? WHEN did i become someone who is loved? It is SO fucking uncomfortable, i feel like im in a bodice. The breath, the life, strangled out of me. But she is always there and never gives up on me. The other day i realized that all those reality shows i like about vying for the love of some semi-star is what i experienced at UNH. "For the love of Miranda". And as i keep working on that movie script about the joys and DESTRUCTION of 2 years of my college experience - i think ill have to work that idea in. Because everytime i think about it i laugh so much to myself. So many bodies, blood, and souls for nothing - for no love. for the love thats mine. silly.

Sometimes when i realize how ppl use the internet - like blogs and facebook i vomit in my mouth. When you realize that the internet is only for the intention of alienating ppl, making ppl feel left out, exercising power over ppl through friending, defriending, blocking, and only showing a little of your profile - its sooo sad. I understand not wanting EVERYONE to know EVERYTHING about you - but like, what is there to hide? and from whom? I admit my profile isn't completely visible -but it mostly is. If you're my friend, in the same network, or a friend of a friend you can see my shit. IDC, i got nothing to hide. Besides isn't it a SOCIAL NETWORKING site - how can you involve yourself in either if you're so fucking obsessed with secrecy, and hiding.  I think about this a lot because as someone who has abused and been MONSTROUSLY abused through the internet i know how dangerous of a tool it is. I think we all need to practice a little more peace and moving on. I'm working on my end - but with little help its an (almost) dead end.

but face to face is different. face to face the same callousness is not there. only avoidance, only (again) hiding. the internet is too easy to wage war from - its too plain.

I am at the front doors of a huge transition. i can feel my bones quaking. I WANT OUT! And within this transition im looking at "friends" with lots of excavation. I have been in the process of emotionally distancing myself from those who're poison to me. And also, im onto the "friends" that don't really give a fuck and are just acting. UM, ya... i got you. I am sickkkk of being the one who does all the work in all my friendships. I GIVE and give, and all i get back are stares, confusion, confrontation, and irritation. ah. It takes a fucking army for me to get any correspondence that isn't promoted first. annoying. And i cant even remember the last time anyone had ANY respect for the things i like. It's so easy to make fun of fall out boy, dallas, dynasty, old horror movies, music from the 70's and back, lady gaga, tori amos, mandy moore, etc. TOO easy. REALLY. we're friends? I have NO friends that have ever asked to sit down and watch dallas without having to give an hour presentation with fucking charts and billboards about why i like it. NEWS: if you like me, you respect what i like. otherwise. GO! I do not want anymore people who dismiss my likes as silly, violent, anti feminist, weird, rude, dumb etc. sick of it. You want anti feminist? oooo, i wont even go there. WAY too easy.

Now just come and love me like we're gonna die...

So many things ARE right now. I have lots of feelings. Lots.

That weird feeling, where it literally feels like your heart sunk into your stomach.  I feel like an ass hole. I feel like a fool - every time my trust is broken.

BUT i know the words "...guilt is a useless emotion" its pathetic and it doesn't solve anything. blah blah blah, well neither does ignoring it.

I have been feeling stronger lately. Those hateful feelings I've had for myself over the last 3 years is slowly fading. But not quick enough. Not when your life is a minefield of reminders that you were thrown away. Ah, yes, dispose of the black girl. she is a waste of our time. TRUTH!

i am getting terrified that the trauma is too deep. And i know that most would tell me to get over it, but then most people didnt wake up one day to find ppl ignoring them, talking shit in front and behind their backs, or people using their race to degrade them. Ya, when you go from having/trusting a group of women to being destroyed by their thinking, scheming, plotting, and destruction...we can talk. It's buried, but every now and then i see something that reminds me of that time and my wounds are completely reopened. i remember every word that was said, every glare, everything. i remember everything.

I LOST EVERYTHING! i didn't have a choice. i had to rebuild my whole fucking life because of that shit. And so forgive me, but i do not think its fair you didn't experience the same. I love how now that a few years have gone by suddenly everyones matured and almost wants to forget the past, ignore, and move on. I CANT fucking move on. My life was turned upside down. My sexual behaviors and preferences were on display. for ANYONE to judge.And now everyone wants peace? Well fuck you! i didn't get peace! 

But of course, as this usually goes for black women - - when you want to defend yourself, later or right then its considered childish and violent. When a blk women comes to defend herself she is taunted, and reminded of the things that were said before. Her enemies come with soft almost condescending tones that say things like "i wish you the best" and "i hope we can move past this with a clean slate" and "Lets just move on". I HATE those. It's a cop out. Translation: "i don't think i did anything wrong to you. you acted like a brute. i was defending myself - and i know you can control your primitive rage, but try. I've grown so much since overturning your life and i am no longer that person, so you cant blame me for what happened to you. lets just like it go--"

i guess i need more time...

Freedom, baby, is never having to say you're sorry

I watched 'the devils advocate' a few times this week. I was/am mesmerized by Charlize's performance as supportive wife turned mental mess. 

I saw so much of my own experience in this movie - in her. Her character had supported herself financially all her life, even after she married a promising up and coming lawyer. A lawyer who makes it his business to NEVER loose a case.  And whats interesting is upon first meeting the character of Marianne is that she is indifferent - specifically indifferent to the opening case of the film. A young girl accuses her math teacher of touching her inappropriately and even knowing his clients guilt Kevin tears the girl apart on the stand. Suggesting she made up the stories to cover up her other sexual conduct and hatred for a man who came down on her with an iron fist. After watching this outburst Marianne leans slightly into the close up of Kevin and simply says "pack it up baby, you need a drink".

We're almost introduced to Marianne as the opposite of the girl on the stand. She is not a liar, or needy, she doesn't need to lie for attention or sex. She is 'different' and we are SUPPOSED to see her as such. She's a down home sweet southern woman with a little kick and a lot of patients. And without question or reason she follows Kevin all the way to new york when he is offered an illusive job at the best law firm in the nation. She goes with him, blindly, uprooting her identity, dreams, and own hopes for the future. Suddenly she is plunged into a life of...well...excess.

And not just excess, but corruption. Not that there isn't corruption everywhere, but this is a MOVIE! and in THIS movie they constantly refer to NY as Babylon (hehehe, this Bostonian finds this amusing).

Once they get to NY Marianne is obviously the one out of place. She doesn't look chic or 5th ave - she looks like a working woman, maybe middle class, simple, plain....un-spoiled?This concept of being "un-spoiled" is laced throughout the film. For one thing...sex. Marianne's sexual behaviors, wants, desires, and acts are constantly being brought into the light, whether buried or not.

1. she is infertile. Not right from the start. She is quoted saying "[about Kevins mother] maybe i should give her some grand-kids so she'll leave me alone." But by the time they have been in NY for a while, she sees a doctor who tells her she has non specific ovarian failure.  And she has this out of body experience, where she sees herself leaving her body. IN her swank NY apt, that she "shares" with kevin, when he's around. She heards someone in her home and gets a knife to protect herself. When she finally sees whats what it is a baby boy sitting on the floor of her apt, who seems to be playing with something. Upon inspection she sees the child is playing with innards, human innards. She looks down and sees blood all over her WHITE nightgown - from here on out, she is infertile.

2. Al pacino's character rapes her, although its never shown. Kevin finds her naked, wrapped in a blanket in a near by church. When she says she was raped Kevin doesn't believe her because al pacino was in court with him all day (obvi at this point he doesnt know al pacino is supernatural).

3. When Kevin and her are having sex in their apt, he sees a woman from his office instead of his wife. A woman he fantasizes about. She is more sexually "experienced" - basically what men think of porn stars. Like " oh ya,she'll do anything i like. she likes it rough, tough, anywhere and everywhere. I can do whatever i want with her" kinda attitude - but the reality is he's with his wife and when she begins to feel his change we get amazing shots over kevins shoulder of marianne looking disgusted uttering "STOP!" and the woman from the office "enjoying" every moment of it. Another chance for the audience to realize marianne is constantly being separated from every other woman on screen.

But he doesn't take care of her, she continues to become more and more isolated. She continues to becoming more and more alone, despondent, and afraid. Until finally kevin admits her to a psychiatric hospital ( nd this triggers me, as it brings up my memories, of hospitals, strip searches, and forced meds...) when she slits her throat with a piece of broken mirror glass.

i feel so much for her, all the way through, but not more than when she kills herself. it is not pity or sadness i feel, but closeness. like i know the moment she was in, the room even looked similar to one I've seen before.

(red) RED one

 Red is all i have been thinking about lately. 

this is interesting because...

- i am an aries. red IS my color. astrologically.

- i recently watched the movie "Rose Red" all the way through for the FIRST time

- i fell in love with the movie 'lust, caution' which was set in Japanese occupied china  - china during ww2 combined with the general direction of Chinese fashion, architecture, art etc = a lot of red. And to be really real, the mere mention of china, due to our so sweet racist society, immediately conjures up the color red. in my mind, and in anyone else's - whether you want to admit it or not.

- i almost lost my shit in Barnes and Noble when i realized "the rose" was on sale for $9 - i only had a gift card to best buy and i am in love with bette middler movies.

- the lighter i use on a daily basis suddenly became red - i thought i was using the yellow one ,but one day it just switched.

- my main drink of choice right now is cran-apple juice

- ive been in a horror film mood, and so ive seen lots of blood

- all my currently favorite lady gaga fashion is red

-...and i have been craving a candy apple, deliberately ignoring the fact that it could take my teeth out