if i could go back i would have never started eating

Today i was forced to come face to face with my ugly body. i couldn’t escape it - and i couldn’t delude myself into believing everyones lies about my body being ok. I got these new pants - well let me back up- I decided i was going to be buy clothes with more color, and dress how i would like to no matter what. So i saw these lime green skinny pants, tried them on last night. They did fit. & miranda said they looked nice — which i now know i only believed because i wanted to, i wasn’t really thinking about how ugly i am, there weren’t any mirrors really. This morning when i went to put them on i really saw how ugly i was, i broke into tears. Then i started to take the pants off, and as i did this i felt myself dying. I knew that taking thoes pants off meant i will never be attractive, pretty, confident, or accepted. i knew that it would kill me. I stood in the corner sniffing, crying, and taring at the clothes in a fit of anger. i was soooo angry. angry that i was made this way. angry that other people weren’t. angry that nothing would ever change the fact that i was meant to be ugly. the black clothes, depression, anger, distance, and solitude ARE me. Thoes pants symbolized someone who belongs in the world, who derserves to be looked at and admired. not me. not some fat girl who’s meant to disappear and fade into the background - because really im no better than that.

modest mouse...

I have to wonder sometimes why. You know what I mean. “why”. I’m still working towards being completely alone. I’ve never given up on the fact that I’ll end up that way. Just because Miranda chooses to show me favor doesn’t mean I am safe. People like me aren’t safe; we’re always in danger. In danger of dying, being killed, being abused, and abusing. If I could have it my way I would say all my goodbyes, all my apologies and just float away. I could die for something good, maybe, I could die for something plain.

a hip hop legend

and i can see you
you brown skin shining in the sun
you got your hair combed back
& your sunglasses on baby

someone carve me up with an oyster knife.

Today - i feel like things are falling into place. I got my job secured for summer, and even if i have to keep looking for another one im happy with what ive got. Miranda gave me a tarot reading last night - apparently the best she’s done in a long time. it was nice, just being with her and doing something i know she loves. She could show of her knowledge base to me, and i think she needs more of that. more people willing to let her expose herself to them.
Uhg. I hate emails. got an email from the DSC asking if i would still want to help with the stop hate events even thought cait may have been involved. get fucked. i hate her. But i would let that trollop stop me from fighting issues of hate. i mean, fighting cait is like fighting hate. she is a cyber-bully. Excuse me cait, making videos where you’re name calling and calling people fat? grow up? too much? & what a pathetic thing to be as 22 year old college graduate. really. It’s really strange to me that she was allowed to keep her job and not forced to publically apologize. not enough shame in that situation. All she did was send miranda some measley, fucked up, self centered “apology” - if we can even call it that. i think that wench got off scott free - but hopefully karma will finish her off. I think she deserved public shame and crucifixion beyond her understanding. BUT…we dont want to feed her identity of martyrdom. if she had the chance to feel attacked, she would whine until everyone just wanted to kill themselves to shut her up. shes like the black plague…and im ashmed to not have cured her from all of our systems.
Speaking of suicide, i had to sit through my film class while everyone laughed and joked about it. im sitting there thinking, “hmmmm….im suicidal….thanks”. fuckers. suicide isn’t ironic, funny, or only encapsulated to film. it’s sitting in your classroom. people need to gain WAY more sensetivity traning reguarding issues of mental disease and suicide.
i think im going to get my bloggers back-maybe- it looks better. i think.
i refuse to forgive anyone. not good at it. once im burned its for life. new motto: i do not accept apologies, only resignations. and you better believe that. if you’re unhealthy for me in anyway you’re out. this includes but is not limited to: judging my use of drugs/alcohol, judging my relationship, trivializing my trauma, homophobic/racist/classist/ and american nationalist thoughts, call me or anyone i love names, cyber-bully me or someone i love, email bomb me or someone i love, bitching at me to change or “get help”, telling me im not a victim of anythin (GET FUCKED), trying to sabotage me (well this one wont really piss me off as much as it will propell me into a state of blind rage that will result in the destruction of your life - be warned), telling lies about me, stepping to me when you are all talk and no action, ect.
Got an apartment for the summer and hopefully next year. doing well. doing well. i see many good things on the horizon.
i neeeeeed breakfast. im off off off off.