Without Rihannas new album i would not even be floating right now.
it's brave. and scortching.
Russian Roultette? already been played.
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Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
No ava, NO WAY!
My computer crashed this week. I have been devastated by losing all my writing. that alone has been keeping me sad. So i THOUGHT i saved all my writing to my external hard drive, but oh no! nothing! i lost all my writing. my whole life. i feel like my heart is broken! I feel like something was taken from me. I will never get those words back. And all my play writing........gone. Things Ive been writing since i was 9 yrs old. I'm so upset i cant even think about my finals, or the fact that i have no money for rent. This is so inconvenient and horrible. My stomach is turning.
HOW could i have been so irresponsible? I hear my mothers voice, but my own as well. - wondering how i could be so careless. im usually smarter than that, but this just proves my absent mindedness....if i don't care to save my own writing who the fuck will care to read it?
Over. I have to start all over. and in a split second i think maybe this is good. rebirth? Am i not meant to have those words anymore? are they part of a me that is dying, dead? But that doesn't change the sadness, at all.
I'm really fighting against the universe. it wants me to start over, and i wouldn't. i wouldn't give up those things on my own. i needed a push, but this was not what i expected.
i'm just crying. i can't believe it....and still this happens right before finals. i am clearly cursed at this point.
HOW could i have been so irresponsible? I hear my mothers voice, but my own as well. - wondering how i could be so careless. im usually smarter than that, but this just proves my absent mindedness....if i don't care to save my own writing who the fuck will care to read it?
Over. I have to start all over. and in a split second i think maybe this is good. rebirth? Am i not meant to have those words anymore? are they part of a me that is dying, dead? But that doesn't change the sadness, at all.
I'm really fighting against the universe. it wants me to start over, and i wouldn't. i wouldn't give up those things on my own. i needed a push, but this was not what i expected.
i'm just crying. i can't believe it....and still this happens right before finals. i am clearly cursed at this point.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
So i prayed the at the church of gaga today
So i prayed to lady gaga today. And i really mean it. Of course i obsess over her in that way of loving beats, fashion, dancing, and such. Loving her in a queer way, obvi. Loving her because every single song reminds me of my bestfriends as we all found the album at the same time. No, it's because she truely inspires my writing creativity. She helps me express myself, she helps me tell my story better. every time i tell it.
It might be stupid and, "not creative" to some people, but i always write renditions of her songs. This time i choose "Teeth".
it's more like a free write/poem. but i could sing it to you. it sounds like teeth, obvi, but sounds a lot diff actually.
Show me you teeth.
Show me your pride. Wear it outside. And let the rain wash it down the pipeline.
Show me your demons
Let them come and play
Let them walk all over me since that’s what you do anyway. Why change the game? Show me your game
Wear your insides out – give us a boost, I'll help you bloody eagle, scout
Give me your visions so I know whose gonna die
Show me your honor, give me a surprise
Show me a lot more than good old American pie – before you catch my eye, show me your teeth.
- thats it so far.
it felt so good to feel good just now. and lady gaga always makes me feel a little less pain in the world.
It might be stupid and, "not creative" to some people, but i always write renditions of her songs. This time i choose "Teeth".
it's more like a free write/poem. but i could sing it to you. it sounds like teeth, obvi, but sounds a lot diff actually.
Show me you teeth.
Show me your pride. Wear it outside. And let the rain wash it down the pipeline.
Show me your demons
Let them come and play
Let them walk all over me since that’s what you do anyway. Why change the game? Show me your game
Wear your insides out – give us a boost, I'll help you bloody eagle, scout
Give me your visions so I know whose gonna die
Show me your honor, give me a surprise
Show me a lot more than good old American pie – before you catch my eye, show me your teeth.
- thats it so far.
it felt so good to feel good just now. and lady gaga always makes me feel a little less pain in the world.
Friday, December 11, 2009
if it isn't love...why do i feel this way?
Up again, same time, every morning like clockwork.
Everyday i loose more and more faith. Today, i lost faith in genunine care.
I'm not sure i want to travel when im like this. Miranda and i have about 2 weeks of solid travel ahead of us and of course i was excited. But now, now i just want to be alone. I can't even wash the dishes without breaking into tears. And i mean you can't take that with you everywhere, eventually people can't talk about it anymore. you can't talk about it anymore. Some have said i am SO SO sick, and i know it. niice. But really, its not bad that it was said, but it wasn't okay that it was made a joke. Or not even a joke, just used to make me feel less than, beneath. How can you help someone when all you want to do is make them feel feeble, weak, and disillusion? I'm sure someone will tell me someday
"Acceptance should never be mistaken for surrendering to or not caring about something. It means learning to appreciate what is given, rather than what is missing. Instead of resisting what we don’t like, acknowledge it in a new way." - Aina J
...but i cant get that. I understand that concept, but i think it's lost on a lot of other people. I do not believe i have been or could be truely accepted. No. no no. Im way too much of a bully, spiteful, hurtful bitch. And for that i don't want ANYTHING to do with ANYONE. It's weird how that happens, how one day you wake up just wanting out. Like you'd rather be dead then know how people really feel about me, how they talk, how the conspire. You'd rather be lifted to another universe where you know no one and no one knows you.
Sometimes i wish ross would come back. Thats when i know im at my lowest, when i wish for my rapist/boyfriend to come back and teach me a lesson. He was the only one that could you know, teach me how to behave. And maybe if i'd listened and learned better i wouldn't be fighting against this image thats been set up for me. I would have learned that white people always win. They make the rules, they break them. They tell you when trust is broken, fixable, or out of the picture. They tell you what trust means, and you must accept that. They call the shots. They tell when something is over, beginning, deserves a second chance, or can rot in the ground. They tell you when you're being inappropriate. There is no defense against this because they know they will always be right. They know that at the end of the day they can live in their whiteness knowing everyone will believe them, always forgive them, and always give them a second chance. I don't know whats its like to get a second chance. Because once i fuck up - its forever. All my accomplishments, goals, dreams, aspirations, everything....gone. All because someone said so.
I think im still allowed to process my feelings tho, as far as i know. So i will. And they are dangerous, like knives.
Everyday i loose more and more faith. Today, i lost faith in genunine care.
I'm not sure i want to travel when im like this. Miranda and i have about 2 weeks of solid travel ahead of us and of course i was excited. But now, now i just want to be alone. I can't even wash the dishes without breaking into tears. And i mean you can't take that with you everywhere, eventually people can't talk about it anymore. you can't talk about it anymore. Some have said i am SO SO sick, and i know it. niice. But really, its not bad that it was said, but it wasn't okay that it was made a joke. Or not even a joke, just used to make me feel less than, beneath. How can you help someone when all you want to do is make them feel feeble, weak, and disillusion? I'm sure someone will tell me someday
"Acceptance should never be mistaken for surrendering to or not caring about something. It means learning to appreciate what is given, rather than what is missing. Instead of resisting what we don’t like, acknowledge it in a new way." - Aina J
...but i cant get that. I understand that concept, but i think it's lost on a lot of other people. I do not believe i have been or could be truely accepted. No. no no. Im way too much of a bully, spiteful, hurtful bitch. And for that i don't want ANYTHING to do with ANYONE. It's weird how that happens, how one day you wake up just wanting out. Like you'd rather be dead then know how people really feel about me, how they talk, how the conspire. You'd rather be lifted to another universe where you know no one and no one knows you.
Sometimes i wish ross would come back. Thats when i know im at my lowest, when i wish for my rapist/boyfriend to come back and teach me a lesson. He was the only one that could you know, teach me how to behave. And maybe if i'd listened and learned better i wouldn't be fighting against this image thats been set up for me. I would have learned that white people always win. They make the rules, they break them. They tell you when trust is broken, fixable, or out of the picture. They tell you what trust means, and you must accept that. They call the shots. They tell when something is over, beginning, deserves a second chance, or can rot in the ground. They tell you when you're being inappropriate. There is no defense against this because they know they will always be right. They know that at the end of the day they can live in their whiteness knowing everyone will believe them, always forgive them, and always give them a second chance. I don't know whats its like to get a second chance. Because once i fuck up - its forever. All my accomplishments, goals, dreams, aspirations, everything....gone. All because someone said so.
I think im still allowed to process my feelings tho, as far as i know. So i will. And they are dangerous, like knives.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
my usual self
So today i woke up at 5 am like every morning since.
But i haven't been able to write either. or say. i don't know how to do either anymore. I'm very cautious - in the midst of knowing how bad i can be. It seems like i make mistake after mistake. Like i can't change. And maybe everyone's onto something about me. I wouldn't doubt that, how nice of a person can a black woman be?
I did it, i broke every rule. But in all fairness i didn't know some of them were there. But that doesn't excuse breaking them.
Something happened, something snapped in my recently. No sleep. i can't sleep. I can't hug or stand the sound of my own voice. I can't eat...wont eat.
Right now, i hate being black. it is killing me. it is too easy to use it against me, and it doesn't matter if it was 5 years ago or 5 mins ago the impact is endless. i just feel guilty and helpless. i feel responsible. i feel broken, like i just can't be fixed or something. And i don't even know whats wrong.
I want to stay away. i want to go away. i dont want to tell anyone i love them or care for them because that love, that care is like poison. It seems to do no good that i love someone, i loved my dad, and he died without even saying goodbye.
i hear everyone SCREAMING " theres the door, get the fuck out of the door!". ive been told many times by many different people that self hatred is not productive, but when all you get from people is negative feedback, what do you feed yourself?
I'm at the point where i don't want friends. i'd like to give up, (weak, i know) but im not good at it. Would you ask someone to fly a plane that doesn't have a pilots license?
I'd rather have broken ribs, pain, cuts, bruises, my mom not believing in me, being called a monster, actually being one, have people hate me, an overdose, or whatever. I'm not comfortable with who I've become. I used to be so obedient, then i came to college and realized i didn't have to be. only to, in the end, be punished for not being obedient. i fucked up, everyone knows no one likes you unless you keep the peace. tell lies. lie to yourself, and kiss ass. and i , i thought i was above it and now look at me. it happens i guess...
this is not about anyone else. this is about how i see me. as brought to me by them. i can already see the displeasing looks, gawks, and stares at the screen. no one likes someone honest enough to say they hate themselves. that kind of rawness is disarming.
a mistake is forever. it can't be undone. not by me or anyone else. it will always be there, reminding me that i have no clue how to make choices.
but what happened to me? what snapped? somewhere someone is smiling. & rightfully so.
But i haven't been able to write either. or say. i don't know how to do either anymore. I'm very cautious - in the midst of knowing how bad i can be. It seems like i make mistake after mistake. Like i can't change. And maybe everyone's onto something about me. I wouldn't doubt that, how nice of a person can a black woman be?
I did it, i broke every rule. But in all fairness i didn't know some of them were there. But that doesn't excuse breaking them.
Something happened, something snapped in my recently. No sleep. i can't sleep. I can't hug or stand the sound of my own voice. I can't eat...wont eat.
Right now, i hate being black. it is killing me. it is too easy to use it against me, and it doesn't matter if it was 5 years ago or 5 mins ago the impact is endless. i just feel guilty and helpless. i feel responsible. i feel broken, like i just can't be fixed or something. And i don't even know whats wrong.
I want to stay away. i want to go away. i dont want to tell anyone i love them or care for them because that love, that care is like poison. It seems to do no good that i love someone, i loved my dad, and he died without even saying goodbye.
i hear everyone SCREAMING " theres the door, get the fuck out of the door!". ive been told many times by many different people that self hatred is not productive, but when all you get from people is negative feedback, what do you feed yourself?
I'm at the point where i don't want friends. i'd like to give up, (weak, i know) but im not good at it. Would you ask someone to fly a plane that doesn't have a pilots license?
I'd rather have broken ribs, pain, cuts, bruises, my mom not believing in me, being called a monster, actually being one, have people hate me, an overdose, or whatever. I'm not comfortable with who I've become. I used to be so obedient, then i came to college and realized i didn't have to be. only to, in the end, be punished for not being obedient. i fucked up, everyone knows no one likes you unless you keep the peace. tell lies. lie to yourself, and kiss ass. and i , i thought i was above it and now look at me. it happens i guess...
this is not about anyone else. this is about how i see me. as brought to me by them. i can already see the displeasing looks, gawks, and stares at the screen. no one likes someone honest enough to say they hate themselves. that kind of rawness is disarming.
a mistake is forever. it can't be undone. not by me or anyone else. it will always be there, reminding me that i have no clue how to make choices.
but what happened to me? what snapped? somewhere someone is smiling. & rightfully so.
Monday, December 7, 2009
A convo between me and olivia
Olivia (my bestfrined and rommate) and i were watching kitchen nightmares on BBC america.
The chef/owner was ridiculous. He was lazy, irrational, and verbally abusive to the staff. He was also a 'part time actor' which we all know doesn't exist. You're either trying to become and actor or you already are one. No in betweeens. Anyways this guy would be hanging out and drinking on the job while his ENTIRELY female staff were working their asses off explaining his crazy menu. This menu had about 23 flavor combinations that you could add to either shrimp, ny strip, chick, or mushrooms. - there was also like 4 more pages of menu that i don't recall.
So then the owners wife comes in and he describes how she makes more money than him and invested $300,000 in his business, thats is failing miserably. He then says " boy, im glad she makes good money." This is where olivia and i came in
(All sarcastic)
Ava: wait. im pretty sure that if that was a woman who "borrow" $300,000 from her husband to open a hair salaon she would be considered a gold digger
Oliva: exactly, and no one would care about her "dream" because she's just a money grubbing whore
Ava: Right, and so the message here is women should totally support mens dreams if they can afford to. Thats called a good woman. Thats called a good wife. But god forbid a woman wants a man with money....
The chef/owner was ridiculous. He was lazy, irrational, and verbally abusive to the staff. He was also a 'part time actor' which we all know doesn't exist. You're either trying to become and actor or you already are one. No in betweeens. Anyways this guy would be hanging out and drinking on the job while his ENTIRELY female staff were working their asses off explaining his crazy menu. This menu had about 23 flavor combinations that you could add to either shrimp, ny strip, chick, or mushrooms. - there was also like 4 more pages of menu that i don't recall.
So then the owners wife comes in and he describes how she makes more money than him and invested $300,000 in his business, thats is failing miserably. He then says " boy, im glad she makes good money." This is where olivia and i came in
(All sarcastic)
Ava: wait. im pretty sure that if that was a woman who "borrow" $300,000 from her husband to open a hair salaon she would be considered a gold digger
Oliva: exactly, and no one would care about her "dream" because she's just a money grubbing whore
Ava: Right, and so the message here is women should totally support mens dreams if they can afford to. Thats called a good woman. Thats called a good wife. But god forbid a woman wants a man with money....
During the before and after
Characters: Andrea.Michelle.Daniel.Matthew.Dr. Kline
We open in the doctors office. Matthew, Daniel, Andrea, and Michelle are sitting four in a row. Dr. Kline is seated in front of them. He holds nothing in his hands and sits with his arms folded. He’s waiting for someone to speak. Finally Daniel speaks.
Daniel- my brother died. Did you know that?
Dr. Kline- yes.
Matthew- You idiot. Why else would we be here? Of course he knows. He knows everything. You know nothing. That’s part of the problem.
Michelle- no the problem is the way you belittle him Matthew.
Dr. Kline turns his attention to Andrea, who is sitting at the far end of the couch. Withdrawn from all the action. Daniel sinks back into his seat unable to speak
Dr Kline- Drea, what are you thinking?
Andrea- I’m thinking about how you get paid a lot of money to just sit here and ask meaningless questions. I’m thinking about Jonathan, and the first time he taught me to ride my bike.[pause] I was so afraid. But that didn’t matter to him. He still made me try it. I’m thinking about when I used to see him EVERYDAY, and how his bed is empty now. I’m thinking about…I don’t know. I’m not even sure why I am here.
Michelle- because you owe us something after all
Daniel- I think he was asking me a question.
Michelle and Matthew- shut up Daniel!
Andrea- Good. Keep talking to him like that it will really build his confidence.
Dr. Kline- Drea..
Daniel- An-drea…
Andrea- its okay Daniel, half a name for half a person. [pause, looks in michelles direction] isn’t that right michelle?
Michelle- Jonathan is dead. Can’t you pretend this is about him?
Andrea- but it’s not about Jonathan. It’s about you looking like the perfect sister. It’s always about you Michelle. Always.
Michelle- you selfish little bitch
Andrea- ah there’s the Michelle I know and love. Welcome back.
Scene 2.
Scene opens with Andrea sitting at the table drinking from a glass. Enter Michelle.
Michelle- are you just going to sit around for the rest of your life?
Andrea- Jonathan liked to sit around. This is the form my guilt is taking
Michelle- guilt?
Andrea- yes, I feel guilty my brother is dead.
Michelle- you didn’t kill him did you?
Andrea- I feel guilty I didn’t see, I didn’t know to help him
Michelle- well you had your own life
Andrea- unfortunately for me being self absorbed doesn’t feel good
Michelle- God mother really needs to take care of the funeral arrangements…
Andrea- Her son killed himself. Hung himself with the scarf she hand knitted for him 3 Christmases ago. (pause) try to find a place in yourself where you’re sympathetic. Or alive. Where you care.
Michelle- (rushing over to kneel in front of Andrea’s chair & looking her in the face) look at me…do you care?
Andrea- (looking straight ahead and then slowly looking down at michlle) that’s not fair. It doesn’t mean he deserved to die
Michelle- no, that’s not what I am saying. I am talking about care. My care for a brother like him is a little distorted. And I want you to understand that I can feel that. I am allowed that. He was a fucking ass hole.
We open in the doctors office. Matthew, Daniel, Andrea, and Michelle are sitting four in a row. Dr. Kline is seated in front of them. He holds nothing in his hands and sits with his arms folded. He’s waiting for someone to speak. Finally Daniel speaks.
Daniel- my brother died. Did you know that?
Dr. Kline- yes.
Matthew- You idiot. Why else would we be here? Of course he knows. He knows everything. You know nothing. That’s part of the problem.
Michelle- no the problem is the way you belittle him Matthew.
Dr. Kline turns his attention to Andrea, who is sitting at the far end of the couch. Withdrawn from all the action. Daniel sinks back into his seat unable to speak
Dr Kline- Drea, what are you thinking?
Andrea- I’m thinking about how you get paid a lot of money to just sit here and ask meaningless questions. I’m thinking about Jonathan, and the first time he taught me to ride my bike.[pause] I was so afraid. But that didn’t matter to him. He still made me try it. I’m thinking about when I used to see him EVERYDAY, and how his bed is empty now. I’m thinking about…I don’t know. I’m not even sure why I am here.
Michelle- because you owe us something after all
Daniel- I think he was asking me a question.
Michelle and Matthew- shut up Daniel!
Andrea- Good. Keep talking to him like that it will really build his confidence.
Dr. Kline- Drea..
Daniel- An-drea…
Andrea- its okay Daniel, half a name for half a person. [pause, looks in michelles direction] isn’t that right michelle?
Michelle- Jonathan is dead. Can’t you pretend this is about him?
Andrea- but it’s not about Jonathan. It’s about you looking like the perfect sister. It’s always about you Michelle. Always.
Michelle- you selfish little bitch
Andrea- ah there’s the Michelle I know and love. Welcome back.
Scene 2.
Scene opens with Andrea sitting at the table drinking from a glass. Enter Michelle.
Michelle- are you just going to sit around for the rest of your life?
Andrea- Jonathan liked to sit around. This is the form my guilt is taking
Michelle- guilt?
Andrea- yes, I feel guilty my brother is dead.
Michelle- you didn’t kill him did you?
Andrea- I feel guilty I didn’t see, I didn’t know to help him
Michelle- well you had your own life
Andrea- unfortunately for me being self absorbed doesn’t feel good
Michelle- God mother really needs to take care of the funeral arrangements…
Andrea- Her son killed himself. Hung himself with the scarf she hand knitted for him 3 Christmases ago. (pause) try to find a place in yourself where you’re sympathetic. Or alive. Where you care.
Michelle- (rushing over to kneel in front of Andrea’s chair & looking her in the face) look at me…do you care?
Andrea- (looking straight ahead and then slowly looking down at michlle) that’s not fair. It doesn’t mean he deserved to die
Michelle- no, that’s not what I am saying. I am talking about care. My care for a brother like him is a little distorted. And I want you to understand that I can feel that. I am allowed that. He was a fucking ass hole.
Friday, December 4, 2009
9 kids, 4 daddys, whos the father? an exploration of Maury as a feminist tool.
Track 1 : Still
So Miranda and i were watching the maury show, which i do without fail every morning. All my life i have been perplexed about how people could not see television as "teach, mother, secret lover" - like homer says on simpsons? And there's your evidence that i'm obsessed with tv. Anyways it has always seemed limited, yet understandable, that shows like Maury are not considered feminist tool. And i do mean TOOL! I am in no way saying " ya totally lets all watch Maury mindlessly, eat bon bons, tell bedtime stories and forget about it." No i simply mean that Maurys daytime talk show really plays into my expansive feminist conscience. I try to learn and grow everyday, but i do not want to play around with that i learn.
Track 2 : Sister of Mercy
See the thing is , as a feminist, ( and i still call myself that because i am. trying to determine who is and isn't wastes time and looses lives) i do not believe in ignoring a subset of woman. Every woman in this worlds deserves to feel safe and protected. There should be no limit on that. Every woman deserves to be spoken up for, no matter what you personally feel for/about them. I am critical of my community and myself but that does not negate my love for them. I am afraid however that something is being misused. Our abilities as feminists to feel the compassion, live the experience, not live the experience because it has been harmful to you or thoes around you, should NOT be lost on a show like Maury. Truthfully, Maury obvi has both men and women on his shows. Typically the topics deal with cheating, paternity tests, porn addictions, sex with a partners family member, lie detector tests, and more topics that im sure are evading me at this moment. The point is the show does primarily focuses on women and women's plight. You do have men on the show, however, who're more concerned with weather or not the child is theirs because they need to make sure their legacy is secure. Which often lessons my sympathy for them, but that';s another post.
I think this show should be shown in ws classes, seminars, conference, grassroots meeting, institutionalized meetings and so on. It is a TOOL of knowledge. How so? my audeience may be asking. Well the show is all about female confrontation (sure its skeptical that this 'confrontation' was brought about by a male host- but ill get to that later) within the scope reproduction. I watch as women come out on stage screaming and ,usually, crying throught the story of how they became pregnant and then had their babie denied by the potential father ( i only say potential because sometimes it turns out it was not that man who fathered the child, but i will delve deeper)
So Miranda and i were watching the maury show, which i do without fail every morning. All my life i have been perplexed about how people could not see television as "teach, mother, secret lover" - like homer says on simpsons? And there's your evidence that i'm obsessed with tv. Anyways it has always seemed limited, yet understandable, that shows like Maury are not considered feminist tool. And i do mean TOOL! I am in no way saying " ya totally lets all watch Maury mindlessly, eat bon bons, tell bedtime stories and forget about it." No i simply mean that Maurys daytime talk show really plays into my expansive feminist conscience. I try to learn and grow everyday, but i do not want to play around with that i learn.
Track 2 : Sister of Mercy
See the thing is , as a feminist, ( and i still call myself that because i am. trying to determine who is and isn't wastes time and looses lives) i do not believe in ignoring a subset of woman. Every woman in this worlds deserves to feel safe and protected. There should be no limit on that. Every woman deserves to be spoken up for, no matter what you personally feel for/about them. I am critical of my community and myself but that does not negate my love for them. I am afraid however that something is being misused. Our abilities as feminists to feel the compassion, live the experience, not live the experience because it has been harmful to you or thoes around you, should NOT be lost on a show like Maury. Truthfully, Maury obvi has both men and women on his shows. Typically the topics deal with cheating, paternity tests, porn addictions, sex with a partners family member, lie detector tests, and more topics that im sure are evading me at this moment. The point is the show does primarily focuses on women and women's plight. You do have men on the show, however, who're more concerned with weather or not the child is theirs because they need to make sure their legacy is secure. Which often lessons my sympathy for them, but that';s another post.
I think this show should be shown in ws classes, seminars, conference, grassroots meeting, institutionalized meetings and so on. It is a TOOL of knowledge. How so? my audeience may be asking. Well the show is all about female confrontation (sure its skeptical that this 'confrontation' was brought about by a male host- but ill get to that later) within the scope reproduction. I watch as women come out on stage screaming and ,usually, crying throught the story of how they became pregnant and then had their babie denied by the potential father ( i only say potential because sometimes it turns out it was not that man who fathered the child, but i will delve deeper)
Monday, November 23, 2009
Totalitarianism: enter Taylor Swift
Look ok i get it: Kanye should not have done "that" to Taylor Swift (and i say "That" because i do not truly believe he did anything wrong) but the events at the country music awards PROVE that in this country black people are only as human as they are obedient to their position.
After Taylor COINCIDENTALLY won female vocalist, album, and entertainer of the year (might have gotten one of those wrong) she finished her speech by saying "..and i want to thank every person in this room for not running up on stage during the speech!" Now, this is the same girl who in NUMEROUS interviews said " Kanye called me to apologize, and i accepted. Everything's fine." To me that's just straight phony - i don't know how people can't see through her. They completely buy the wholesome young girl-power teen artist thing she gives off, and of course the 'country' artist thing also pretty much making her Americas fucking sweetheart. She's a regular girl " but she wears short skirts, and i wear t-shirts..." Now Taylor, i know your ass has a miniskirt. You also wear make-up, get your hair, nails, and skin treated. Are you SERIOUSLY trying to pass yourself off as innocent and low maintenance? Ha. ok.See, that kind of phoniness calls your character into question. And for me when your character is in question as a representative of america, women in america, and white women in america.... i have a problem.
oh and btw, why is that we as a country can excuse rape because 1 or two of the individuals were drunk, but when a black man drinks and bothers a helpless little white girl - there is no excuse? And don't even act like we don't do that as a country! How else do you explain the overwhelming consistency of womens sexual histories and "party" habits being brought up in court, in the police station, or even at the scene? Or we excuse the man from his actions because obviously he couldn't "help himself" because of alcohol. or "he didn't know what he was doing, he was drunk, he's not really like that". Ya, explain that.
Speaking of her triumphence at the country music awards, Bessem and i were talking today and she helped me come to the a VERY telling conclusion. --->Many country music stars were reported to have said that they were upset with the young stars wins. It was their assertion that she "didn't put in the work" and by that i assume "the work" is being dedicated to and expanding upon and in the country music scene. Now, Kanye said the same thing as these people! A single black man takes a moment of raw and uninhibited emotion to storm the stage and say what he feels is immediately true regarding current events - while a group of seasoned artists quietly and strategically express their discontent in an interview. In private. Where things can OBVIOUSLY be manipulated. Now i ask you: who's REALLY being shady? Bottom line is both Kanye and numerous artists in the country music scene agree that Taylor swift is undeserving of pretty much every award given to her lately.
Speaking of, exactly how many awards are we going to give this girl? No amount of awards will cure the fact that he racism flared up when Kanye came to the stage. She was stunned, initially star stuck, until she realized the nigger wasn't there to kiss her feet and praise her beautiful porcelain skin. Basically she was appalled and shocked that Kanye ( who USED to fit nicely for white people with his affirmations that black women were gold diggers, and his clinging obsession to burberry) could, would, and did pass judgment on her ability to obtain the award. But seriously, Her video was NOT better than beyonce's and i don't even like b. But i know th truth. And the truth is Beyonce is a hardworking black woman who lost her award to a random 'country aritist' at an award show that is specifically for diverse music purposes.
Kanye is being punished for not kissing wp's ass and putting the work, dedication, and presence of black people before all else - - this is a heroic and (obvi) socially dangerous action but someones got to do it. As for as im concerned Kanye is a radical dude when needed. This is also the same man that randomly uttered "george bush doesn't care about black people" when dealing with katirna. Hmm, but radical white people liked him then. didn't they? But as always in history when a black man dares to defile a white woman social, emotional, economical, and even physicaly death are known reponses.
I hate racism, and i can spot it.
Oh, and did i mention that T. swift won 5 American music awards but was conveniently absent from the event (keeping attention on herself) ? Hmm. ya, no way thats intentional. She's just more talented than every other musical artist in america right now.....right, and slavery never happened!
After Taylor COINCIDENTALLY won female vocalist, album, and entertainer of the year (might have gotten one of those wrong) she finished her speech by saying "..and i want to thank every person in this room for not running up on stage during the speech!" Now, this is the same girl who in NUMEROUS interviews said " Kanye called me to apologize, and i accepted. Everything's fine." To me that's just straight phony - i don't know how people can't see through her. They completely buy the wholesome young girl-power teen artist thing she gives off, and of course the 'country' artist thing also pretty much making her Americas fucking sweetheart. She's a regular girl " but she wears short skirts, and i wear t-shirts..." Now Taylor, i know your ass has a miniskirt. You also wear make-up, get your hair, nails, and skin treated. Are you SERIOUSLY trying to pass yourself off as innocent and low maintenance? Ha. ok.See, that kind of phoniness calls your character into question. And for me when your character is in question as a representative of america, women in america, and white women in america.... i have a problem.
Speaking of her triumphence at the country music awards, Bessem and i were talking today and she helped me come to the a VERY telling conclusion. --->Many country music stars were reported to have said that they were upset with the young stars wins. It was their assertion that she "didn't put in the work" and by that i assume "the work" is being dedicated to and expanding upon and in the country music scene. Now, Kanye said the same thing as these people! A single black man takes a moment of raw and uninhibited emotion to storm the stage and say what he feels is immediately true regarding current events - while a group of seasoned artists quietly and strategically express their discontent in an interview. In private. Where things can OBVIOUSLY be manipulated. Now i ask you: who's REALLY being shady? Bottom line is both Kanye and numerous artists in the country music scene agree that Taylor swift is undeserving of pretty much every award given to her lately.
Speaking of, exactly how many awards are we going to give this girl? No amount of awards will cure the fact that he racism flared up when Kanye came to the stage. She was stunned, initially star stuck, until she realized the nigger wasn't there to kiss her feet and praise her beautiful porcelain skin. Basically she was appalled and shocked that Kanye ( who USED to fit nicely for white people with his affirmations that black women were gold diggers, and his clinging obsession to burberry) could, would, and did pass judgment on her ability to obtain the award. But seriously, Her video was NOT better than beyonce's and i don't even like b. But i know th truth. And the truth is Beyonce is a hardworking black woman who lost her award to a random 'country aritist' at an award show that is specifically for diverse music purposes.
Kanye is being punished for not kissing wp's ass and putting the work, dedication, and presence of black people before all else - - this is a heroic and (obvi) socially dangerous action but someones got to do it. As for as im concerned Kanye is a radical dude when needed. This is also the same man that randomly uttered "george bush doesn't care about black people" when dealing with katirna. Hmm, but radical white people liked him then. didn't they? But as always in history when a black man dares to defile a white woman social, emotional, economical, and even physicaly death are known reponses.
I hate racism, and i can spot it.
Oh, and did i mention that T. swift won 5 American music awards but was conveniently absent from the event (keeping attention on herself) ? Hmm. ya, no way thats intentional. She's just more talented than every other musical artist in america right now.....right, and slavery never happened!
You SHOULD be ashamed.
"Rihana is a hoe and you know what to do with a hoe when she gets out of line; you smack a hoe. Cant wait till the day Steadman beats the shit out of Oprah, that would truly call for a real celebration. Take your feminist shit somewhere Sister. We have more burning issues than some hoe being smacked silly for being silly."
riiiiiight, and i supposed to respect, have sex with, love, and NOT be threatened? m'kay.
riiiiiight, and i supposed to respect, have sex with, love, and NOT be threatened? m'kay.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The girl who never laughed...with you.
I'm all about positive images as much as negative ones but i've got to be honest: im not too too excited about 'prescious'
do i have to say it?
do i have to say it?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Impulsive. [Season 9, Ep. 3]
How does law and order: svu contribute to the womens movement?
Well it's very subtle. And im sure most of my readers are thinking that it's not possible, but it is to me. Law and Order: SVU without a doubt has some shady plot lines. You know, the ones where they conviently ( and for the perpetuation of 'true' equality) have a huge trial where a female rapist is apprehended, and Elliot (of course) has to learn a lesson about not always assuming men are the perpatraitors? Ya, thoes are a mess.Still love the show, but i mean really. Oh! And remember the episode where diane neal played an uptown, very successful, female, rapist? She and her friends apparently killed their other friend because she was going to report that they raped a male stripper at her bachelorette party? Again, please tell me the point of that. All that does it hightlight exceptions and completely draw attention away for the facts, problem, statistics. Basically it is non-productive. But here's a way they make up for some of thoes flaws...
In the 9th season the episode "impulsive" deals very candidly with a young male student claiming to be raped by his female teacher: melissa joan hart! Now i ask you what are the politics of that? Sabrina the teenage witch plays a waspy english teacher? I never saw that coming. Anyway, so the male student reports her as his rapist. Elliot and Oliva go to his school, ask the teacher out of her classroom and arrest her for rape. However, as she is being arrested the teacher then reports that it was the other way around: the student raped her.
The next scene each of the accusers is in a separate interrogation room. The camera switches back and forth between the two with the use of a class POV( point of view) shot. One minute the camera allows us to see/experience the situation as the teacher, and then you're suddenly yanked from that world to see/experience what it would be like as the student. It's a classic film/tv technique that is supposed to make you feel multiplied! It's supposed to make you question yourself and what you believe. It litterally turns you (the viewer) into two people at once.
So when the two are in different rooms telling their version of the story. And they do agree on some things: they had sex in the students house, they had sex in the bedroom, that was in his house to tutor him for a major exam(psat's, sat's....), and that they only had sex once. Of course the only disagreement is who for who into having sex. And this is where i started to get nervous, but then the characters had an exchange that actually provoked thought and expressed genuine exploration into the subject of rape. The student described how his teacher was kissing and storking him "i couldn't help it" he said " i was excited." When the teacher explained the story however she repeated words like/phrases like "forced", " made to..".
Now i do not intend to say that men cannot be raped, thats just not true because anyone whith a penatrable spot on their body can be raped. And to extend that even further, anyone who is/was/can be/has been/ forced into sexual situations by coersion, manipulation, desperation, shame, cultural expectation or plain violence. What i found interesting about this moment in the story was that the writers (unknown to them or not) really probed this idea of how 'rape' happens. When the male student said he 'couldn't help it, he was excited' what i heard was ' i really didn't wanna have sex with her bro, but she started touching me, kissing, pretty much throwing herself on me so what could i do? i fucked her, but i totally didn't mean to". Get me? It just kinda decodes as something a stereotypical frat brother would say (disclaimed: i do not mean all frat boys, i said sterptypical - but please note that sterotypes come from somewhere so it's not all that easy to ignore). I understand that she was his teacher, but thats just it - thats the real offense. The real offsense of it is age and authority. If the teacher did 'rape' him heres what will NOT follow him in years to come as he attempts to rebuild his life after a female predator 'raped' him: fear of pregnancy, fear of vagina taring/having vaginal tearing, catching something that results in repoductive issues, having your rapist legally stop you from aborting his biological seed, having your sex life attributed to the fact that you were raped, being told what you wear was why you were raped/or why you will get raped, people telling you that any of your behavior will get you raped, having a member of the species that raped you say things like "we're not all bad" or "well now you know so if you can't get raped again", being raped on a subway, bus, train, plane, automobile, in the street, at a fair, in an alley, on the sidewalk, in a car, at the movies, at a wedding, in a church, at a party, at your bestfriends house, at the beach, in your dorm room, in your hall bathroom, in the shower, in a class room, or in your own home. Thats just keeping it real. In these examples, even the other episodes i talked about, the men who were raped were in positions of 'helplessness'. A male prostitute and a student? Would anyone call it rape if there were a business man and a pro tennis player? doubtful!
The message basically reads: men who submit to feminine lifestyles ( postitution ) or men who are ,sadly, seduced by women with too much power (meaning any power at all) are allowed to call it rape. But women, who have been/are raped all the time, by friends, family memebers, upstading citizens, doctors, dentists, teachers, coaches, hall directors, employers, or even on occasion, strangers, are just sluts who wore slutty clothes, and have sex, drink, drug, and dont go to church! they got what they deserved. hmm, thats right, keep telling you'reself that.
Well it's very subtle. And im sure most of my readers are thinking that it's not possible, but it is to me. Law and Order: SVU without a doubt has some shady plot lines. You know, the ones where they conviently ( and for the perpetuation of 'true' equality) have a huge trial where a female rapist is apprehended, and Elliot (of course) has to learn a lesson about not always assuming men are the perpatraitors? Ya, thoes are a mess.Still love the show, but i mean really. Oh! And remember the episode where diane neal played an uptown, very successful, female, rapist? She and her friends apparently killed their other friend because she was going to report that they raped a male stripper at her bachelorette party? Again, please tell me the point of that. All that does it hightlight exceptions and completely draw attention away for the facts, problem, statistics. Basically it is non-productive. But here's a way they make up for some of thoes flaws...
In the 9th season the episode "impulsive" deals very candidly with a young male student claiming to be raped by his female teacher: melissa joan hart! Now i ask you what are the politics of that? Sabrina the teenage witch plays a waspy english teacher? I never saw that coming. Anyway, so the male student reports her as his rapist. Elliot and Oliva go to his school, ask the teacher out of her classroom and arrest her for rape. However, as she is being arrested the teacher then reports that it was the other way around: the student raped her.
The next scene each of the accusers is in a separate interrogation room. The camera switches back and forth between the two with the use of a class POV( point of view) shot. One minute the camera allows us to see/experience the situation as the teacher, and then you're suddenly yanked from that world to see/experience what it would be like as the student. It's a classic film/tv technique that is supposed to make you feel multiplied! It's supposed to make you question yourself and what you believe. It litterally turns you (the viewer) into two people at once.
So when the two are in different rooms telling their version of the story. And they do agree on some things: they had sex in the students house, they had sex in the bedroom, that was in his house to tutor him for a major exam(psat's, sat's....), and that they only had sex once. Of course the only disagreement is who for who into having sex. And this is where i started to get nervous, but then the characters had an exchange that actually provoked thought and expressed genuine exploration into the subject of rape. The student described how his teacher was kissing and storking him "i couldn't help it" he said " i was excited." When the teacher explained the story however she repeated words like/phrases like "forced", " made to..".
Now i do not intend to say that men cannot be raped, thats just not true because anyone whith a penatrable spot on their body can be raped. And to extend that even further, anyone who is/was/can be/has been/ forced into sexual situations by coersion, manipulation, desperation, shame, cultural expectation or plain violence. What i found interesting about this moment in the story was that the writers (unknown to them or not) really probed this idea of how 'rape' happens. When the male student said he 'couldn't help it, he was excited' what i heard was ' i really didn't wanna have sex with her bro, but she started touching me, kissing, pretty much throwing herself on me so what could i do? i fucked her, but i totally didn't mean to". Get me? It just kinda decodes as something a stereotypical frat brother would say (disclaimed: i do not mean all frat boys, i said sterptypical - but please note that sterotypes come from somewhere so it's not all that easy to ignore). I understand that she was his teacher, but thats just it - thats the real offense. The real offsense of it is age and authority. If the teacher did 'rape' him heres what will NOT follow him in years to come as he attempts to rebuild his life after a female predator 'raped' him: fear of pregnancy, fear of vagina taring/having vaginal tearing, catching something that results in repoductive issues, having your rapist legally stop you from aborting his biological seed, having your sex life attributed to the fact that you were raped, being told what you wear was why you were raped/or why you will get raped, people telling you that any of your behavior will get you raped, having a member of the species that raped you say things like "we're not all bad" or "well now you know so if you can't get raped again", being raped on a subway, bus, train, plane, automobile, in the street, at a fair, in an alley, on the sidewalk, in a car, at the movies, at a wedding, in a church, at a party, at your bestfriends house, at the beach, in your dorm room, in your hall bathroom, in the shower, in a class room, or in your own home. Thats just keeping it real. In these examples, even the other episodes i talked about, the men who were raped were in positions of 'helplessness'. A male prostitute and a student? Would anyone call it rape if there were a business man and a pro tennis player? doubtful!
The message basically reads: men who submit to feminine lifestyles ( postitution ) or men who are ,sadly, seduced by women with too much power (meaning any power at all) are allowed to call it rape. But women, who have been/are raped all the time, by friends, family memebers, upstading citizens, doctors, dentists, teachers, coaches, hall directors, employers, or even on occasion, strangers, are just sluts who wore slutty clothes, and have sex, drink, drug, and dont go to church! they got what they deserved. hmm, thats right, keep telling you'reself that.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Fear and loathing in newmarket
I woke up today and suddelny became afraid again. What if the wrong person reads this? What if i 'friend' reads it but doesn't agree? Living in NH obviously most of my friends are white and sometimes you just can't tell if a critique will break them. I've been left behind by people for making 'generalizations' about white people/culture. But the thing is....it's all true. What can i say really?
So anyways i got afraid of this one particular person whom i always find myself trying to impress, i wondered if she saw this would she freak? And this is how know somethings fucked up with feminism/feminists. We teach/encourage each other to castrate men, be angry, be violent, and fight for yourself. Well excuse me all white feminist movement but fighting for ME means fighting white supremacy....so sometimes you gotta except the critique because its the truth. Just like you would make a man except the truth about your own experience.
i find it interesting that , in my experience, white feminists hold themselves accountable for nothing. As if the imaginary feminist badge makes all your racism go away. Except for when you ostrisize one of two black members from your group because of personal feelings, but hey thats feminist, right?
The point is i was going to delete the blog until i realized that would make them victorious over me. They would have been successful in silencing me. nope! I'm keeping it, because after what i've been through with this community NOTHING can scare me ever again.
So anyways i got afraid of this one particular person whom i always find myself trying to impress, i wondered if she saw this would she freak? And this is how know somethings fucked up with feminism/feminists. We teach/encourage each other to castrate men, be angry, be violent, and fight for yourself. Well excuse me all white feminist movement but fighting for ME means fighting white supremacy....so sometimes you gotta except the critique because its the truth. Just like you would make a man except the truth about your own experience.
i find it interesting that , in my experience, white feminists hold themselves accountable for nothing. As if the imaginary feminist badge makes all your racism go away. Except for when you ostrisize one of two black members from your group because of personal feelings, but hey thats feminist, right?
The point is i was going to delete the blog until i realized that would make them victorious over me. They would have been successful in silencing me. nope! I'm keeping it, because after what i've been through with this community NOTHING can scare me ever again.
Friday, October 30, 2009
SOS she's in disguise
Anyone else LOVE Shakiras She Wolf? I diiiiig IT :)
...i do not dig the hypersexualized video, but i do love the song! and her dancing at the end on the rooftop!
...i do not dig the hypersexualized video, but i do love the song! and her dancing at the end on the rooftop!
Don't be tardy for the....
Obviously i could NOT resist writing about The Real Housewives of ATL! I'm a BIG fan, for many reasons, and one of those reasons is because i can see both the good and bad in it, i learn from it, and am repulsed by it, but all in all i am alive when i come into contact with it.
So back when Nene and Kim were friends they listened to "tardy for the party" and Nene suggested that it be changed and Kim suggested they do it together. Or was it Kims unusually large friend Cori? And i say that because NO woman who puts that much into her appearance has a average looking friend like Cori unless they want someone around to constantly make themselves feel better. I would know, i've been a fat friend type my whole life. Pretty girls don't want you unless it's to remind themselves how they AREN'T us. Mmmhmm. So when Kim abruptly dropped to Nene that she didn't want her on the song Nene was heated! Reason 1: Kim backing out at the last minute is strikingly similar to Sheree backing out. Both incidents resulting in the PUBLIC humiliation of a black woman! it's called trauma...people.. Reason 2: Kim had MULTIPLE chances to explain this to Nene prior to when she told her. It took Nene tracking her down to ask about the song AFTER Kim had pretty much recorded it! Now that's just shady and inconsiderate. Again, this illuminates the fear in white culture of conflict. Because the bottom line is if Kim really had that experience and truly felt the way she claimed she would not have needed to avoid Nene and telling her the truth. The truth would have been no problem, but the thing is it wasn't the truth. Kim wanted to spotlight to herself and KNEW she was being shady. Tha'ts why it took Nene coming to her to find out the info, feel me? Reason 3: Nene was, once again,being pitted against another black woman who behaved in a slightly less 'loud and dramatic manner". All of these push the race button of - black woman can/should be controlled who manipulative humiliation.
And then the situation ended where it often does when white and black woman are feuding: violence! Once a white woman claims to be physically violated - its all over. Everything goes out the window and anything a white person does or says afterward is entirely justified by black womens " innate rage, aggression, and violent behavior" - animal like behavior. Because at the end of the day, no matter how liberal and progressive white woman especially claim to be there is always that grasp to their privilege - their whiteness will always prevail. And there will always be the claim of being "afraid, uncomfortable, and (my personal favorite) unsafe" when confronted on alligations of shadiness, manipulation, and racism.
So once Kim declared Nene had choked her, simple little Kandi automatically believed her. And of course that makes your actions completely null and void because another black person is helping you condemn cultural behaviors and personal reactions. The fact of the matter is NO ONE strangles someone twice without perfectly good reason. So what is it Kim, WHY would someone want to choke you? What the fuck did you do? Thats a pretty serious response for you to have done nothing. What you did was irritate and push the buttons of the same person for over a year, you told lies about this person, divided them from other black people in their community, condemned them, and slandered their name. Then when confronted by this person you run away and never answer for your offenses. Then you lie to them about doing a project together, that was pretty much 99% Nene's idea. You talk more shit - she confronts you, YOU slap her hand away and wonder why you got choked? Are you kidding me? I'd choke you! You're playing too many games - well once particular game that i am REALLY sick of: it's called ' poor defenseless white woman' - im over it!
so the moral here is dont be tardy for the party....picnic...lynching?
What i want to talk about is the electrified and , eventually, doomed friendship between Kim and Nene. Kim, the big (fake) breasted blond with hollowed dreams of being a country singer now magically transferred to being a one hit wonder electro-r&b star. And Nene the feisty mammie Georgia peach with a large personality and at times no clue when to stop. Together these two urned up the heat by going from close friends to deeeep enemies. When and where did this stress begin? Well, its okay if you don't know because i am definitely about to tell you.
When Sheree 'accidentally' forgot to put Nene on the list for her party, the stage was already being set for tragedy. Now Nene was obviously embarrassed. After all, how would you feel if someone you used to be friends with and were then feuding with personally called you up to invite you to their huge birthday party, this is the first time you're seeing them since the fight, and after you put your trust in the situation find yourself standing out front being told your name is not even on the list? after a personal phone call? Um, i'd be heated! And you know you would too. And for the record, at the time Kim was going along with the 'drama' that she claims to be so above. She was the main one saying to the cameras that Sheree was shady, and even ( in extra footage) ignored her phone calls after the incident to let her know she was angry. Ya kim, that was you!
Anyway, So it must have come as a surprise, shock, and stab in the back to Nene when Kim began hanging out with Sheree. And i think THIS is where people have Nene twisted. She wasn't being possessive of Kim like Kim tried to make it seem. She, Nene, was simply baffled that someone who claimed to be her bff would not only hang out with a woman who publically humiliated her, but says she is her twin and suddenly puts Sheree's and her superficial connection before yrs of close friendship. I would have to say if my best friend did that i would have more than a few suspicions about his/her loyalty - and thus feel betrayed. I gotta agree with Nene when she said "once i feel betrayed, i just go off,' and the moral here is that people should know better, so of course she immediately went into white hot rage, mmmm, i wish there was another way to describe that but of course whiteness is always everywhere.
We also have to take into account the fact that Nene's bff Kim started to become friends with Nene's enemy. Can you imagine Nene's paranoia and feelings of conspiracy. And was she wrong? At some point she was disliked by everyone but Lisa. So her paranoia wasn't in her head, if you see what i am saying. If your friends turn to your enemies and make nice, no matter how moral or mature people believe they are, they aren't. It hurts, and some people act immediately. One reason Nene acted immediately is because in her culture conflict and confrontation is no big deal. But when Kim began to give Nene the cold shoulder and declared that she was too much drama - subconsciously the racist wheels must have began turning. Nene must have thought herself "awesommmme, so now im being punished for being everything white people LOVeEfor black people to be. I'm being looked over for a more conservative black person who isn't loud and drama, aka full of life!" riiiight Kim, right. Now Kim says Nene is too much drama but until Kandi, Kim was the one constantly on the offense like Nene is. And you know what is doesn't surprise me. What Kim did was the classic divide and conquer.
Kim - Oh kandi! you're such a good black. You're calm, and agreeable! i love you my well trained slave! get what i'm saying here?
Well once Kim was able to get yet ANOTHER black woman to condemn the behavior of one of their own she knew she had won. She had successfully driven the wedge between two black upper class woman. black upper class woman? They're in such a small community, so why would you deliberately contribute to them taring each other down? oh i know, black people aren't people, but pawns in the white persons chess game. use as needed, i guess.
So under all this pressure Nene gets DRUNK, i repeat DRUNK and sings a song that makes fun of kKm and her singing career. Lisa must have told Sheree, who then told Kim in the car when first listening to tight rope. Um side bar, Sheree, why did you lie in the camera and say that Kim had a "beautiful voice," and "you never knew," when clearly she cannot carry a tune? Nene, from the beginning, said that Kim couldn't sing and although that may have been, as Sheree puts it, "not supporting Kims music career," - it was not lying to her face and supporting her delusion. Nene may have been harsh, but at least she told the truth. Kim is looking for agreeable black people, who are trained enough to not question anything or ruffle feathers. Kandi plays this role perfectly - its called a Sambo! Honestly, Kandi is constantly smiling like a fucking idiotic fool! However, our existence as black people should NOT be to constantly negotiate these stereotypes but that's the reality, guess who never navigates stereotypes beyond a harmless "yall can't dance"? I'll give you one guess...
So Kim called off her and Nene's friendship based on a song. And don't get me wrong, if i were Kim i'd be hurt. But if i were Kim i'd also be asking myself "hmmm, think maybe Nene was upset when i was i'm a black woman inside although i do not face any of the hardships and atrocities faced by black woman everyday?" - and that, of course, is why im not white. I ask the hard questions, because i experience the hard moments. ya know?
So back when Nene and Kim were friends they listened to "tardy for the party" and Nene suggested that it be changed and Kim suggested they do it together. Or was it Kims unusually large friend Cori? And i say that because NO woman who puts that much into her appearance has a average looking friend like Cori unless they want someone around to constantly make themselves feel better. I would know, i've been a fat friend type my whole life. Pretty girls don't want you unless it's to remind themselves how they AREN'T us. Mmmhmm. So when Kim abruptly dropped to Nene that she didn't want her on the song Nene was heated! Reason 1: Kim backing out at the last minute is strikingly similar to Sheree backing out. Both incidents resulting in the PUBLIC humiliation of a black woman! it's called trauma...people.. Reason 2: Kim had MULTIPLE chances to explain this to Nene prior to when she told her. It took Nene tracking her down to ask about the song AFTER Kim had pretty much recorded it! Now that's just shady and inconsiderate. Again, this illuminates the fear in white culture of conflict. Because the bottom line is if Kim really had that experience and truly felt the way she claimed she would not have needed to avoid Nene and telling her the truth. The truth would have been no problem, but the thing is it wasn't the truth. Kim wanted to spotlight to herself and KNEW she was being shady. Tha'ts why it took Nene coming to her to find out the info, feel me? Reason 3: Nene was, once again,being pitted against another black woman who behaved in a slightly less 'loud and dramatic manner". All of these push the race button of - black woman can/should be controlled who manipulative humiliation.
And then the situation ended where it often does when white and black woman are feuding: violence! Once a white woman claims to be physically violated - its all over. Everything goes out the window and anything a white person does or says afterward is entirely justified by black womens " innate rage, aggression, and violent behavior" - animal like behavior. Because at the end of the day, no matter how liberal and progressive white woman especially claim to be there is always that grasp to their privilege - their whiteness will always prevail. And there will always be the claim of being "afraid, uncomfortable, and (my personal favorite) unsafe" when confronted on alligations of shadiness, manipulation, and racism.
So once Kim declared Nene had choked her, simple little Kandi automatically believed her. And of course that makes your actions completely null and void because another black person is helping you condemn cultural behaviors and personal reactions. The fact of the matter is NO ONE strangles someone twice without perfectly good reason. So what is it Kim, WHY would someone want to choke you? What the fuck did you do? Thats a pretty serious response for you to have done nothing. What you did was irritate and push the buttons of the same person for over a year, you told lies about this person, divided them from other black people in their community, condemned them, and slandered their name. Then when confronted by this person you run away and never answer for your offenses. Then you lie to them about doing a project together, that was pretty much 99% Nene's idea. You talk more shit - she confronts you, YOU slap her hand away and wonder why you got choked? Are you kidding me? I'd choke you! You're playing too many games - well once particular game that i am REALLY sick of: it's called ' poor defenseless white woman' - im over it!
so the moral here is dont be tardy for the party....picnic...lynching?
Even Steve Miner knows theres a race war
Steve Miner, director of the third enstallment to the ' Friday the 13th' series, exposes in a 10 minute scene the arising racial tentions of the 80's. In the scene Donna and Shelly are headed to the store in town - away from crytal lake where they are spending the weekend with friends. ( for thoes who have never seen friday the 13th - camp crystal lake is the original site of Jasons mothers revenge. it remains the location throught at least 9 out of the 12 films in the franchise).
Donna is a young latina woman - noted specifically by her mother and her arguing in spanish earlier in the film. As viewers you're supposed to take away the point that she is latina, but not latina enought to look anything other than white. And this is not to say that people cannot be all shades, but its a trite convinient that even in a world of 'shades' we're often forced to look at white skin. Moving on - - So shelly is young white male, who is also specifically important because he is the only character of size in the film. This means that his character is sexless, child like, simple, and ultimately always seperated from the group by virture of being too fat to enjoy the basic things in life skinny people take for granted. Like swimming - Shelly is quoted saying "...they said they're going skinny dipping, and im not skinny enough," when another character inquires why is not with the rest of the group.
Shelly and Donna end up in a small town general store. Just as Donna is trying to buy food at the counter the clerk abruptly utters "..and we don't except no food stamps!" Racialized moment #2 in the film next to the argument in Spanish. Donna turns to ask Shelly for money - he throws the wallet and instead of Donna catching it the wallet falls short of reach and ends up on the floor. Just as the shot of Donnas piercingly white hand goes to pick up the wallet a black boot stomps into the screen. Donna looks up to see a black biker chick! Now i have to say that my face looked exactly like Donnas in this scene. It was something like a " riiiiiight, 'cause black bikers are in an abundance in northern America" face. And by northern American i mean Maine/Vermont area. So the black biker girl makes Donna plead for the wallet, while the two men with her (one black and one white) hold Shelly back from intervening. Finally, after 'asking nicely' the two friends pay and are released. They walk out to the car and of course Shelly accidentally backs in the car into the the motorcycles as the black male of the biker gang watches. The black male then breaks in the front and side window on the car - Shelly speeds off.
Now this is where i got that feeling, you know that sick feeling when something just seems wrong? Well instead of speeding away as an effect of being so 'terrorized' Shellys takes advantage of his privilege in that situation (..being in a car) and tries to run the black male down. The odd thing was, as he was doing it he said "he went too far this time" - as if he had known him for yrs. As if he had suffered multiple offenses from this person. As if he had been abused by this man one too many times and this was just the last straw and so of course RUNNING him over with a car is justifyable.
How could this random black man who Shelly had never seen before in his life 'go too far'? It's called misplaced rage. Shellys white male/female friends make fun of him, leave him out of things, degrade him, tell him he isn't wanted, manipulate and control him throughout the film and yet his only surge of aggression that EVER manifests is on a random black guy he's never met before. Too afriad to go against your own race Shelly? Or rather too afraid to give up the privileges that come with be socially as well as physically white? Because one component of social whiteness is complete and utter avoidence of conflict, no? And so in typical wp fashion he put his aggressions in the one place he knew there would be no legal , emotional, physical, economical, social, or moral repercussions to his actions. Not to mention in the end it was a white man and a latina woman running over a black man. If that doesn't clear up the fact that skin is key and that the closer you look to white the more likely you are to band together in a fight against the darkies - then i don't know what does.
People have very little respect for horror films but atleast they can say and deal with what most film directors bury under a foolish storyline, an emaciated (empowered) white girl, and an emotionally crippled white man who secretly has a heart of gold. in short, what has a romantic comedy done lately in the fight against racism, sexism, and homophobia? oh i know, completely rienforce all thoes ideologies. So maybe horror movies display violence, over sexualization, degredation, and sadism - but atleast they don't lie. Ya know, and tell woman they're safe. We have policies, laws, and police. Nothings gonna happen to you - like i said, atleast they don't lie.
Donna is a young latina woman - noted specifically by her mother and her arguing in spanish earlier in the film. As viewers you're supposed to take away the point that she is latina, but not latina enought to look anything other than white. And this is not to say that people cannot be all shades, but its a trite convinient that even in a world of 'shades' we're often forced to look at white skin. Moving on - - So shelly is young white male, who is also specifically important because he is the only character of size in the film. This means that his character is sexless, child like, simple, and ultimately always seperated from the group by virture of being too fat to enjoy the basic things in life skinny people take for granted. Like swimming - Shelly is quoted saying "...they said they're going skinny dipping, and im not skinny enough," when another character inquires why is not with the rest of the group.
Shelly and Donna end up in a small town general store. Just as Donna is trying to buy food at the counter the clerk abruptly utters "..and we don't except no food stamps!" Racialized moment #2 in the film next to the argument in Spanish. Donna turns to ask Shelly for money - he throws the wallet and instead of Donna catching it the wallet falls short of reach and ends up on the floor. Just as the shot of Donnas piercingly white hand goes to pick up the wallet a black boot stomps into the screen. Donna looks up to see a black biker chick! Now i have to say that my face looked exactly like Donnas in this scene. It was something like a " riiiiiight, 'cause black bikers are in an abundance in northern America" face. And by northern American i mean Maine/Vermont area. So the black biker girl makes Donna plead for the wallet, while the two men with her (one black and one white) hold Shelly back from intervening. Finally, after 'asking nicely' the two friends pay and are released. They walk out to the car and of course Shelly accidentally backs in the car into the the motorcycles as the black male of the biker gang watches. The black male then breaks in the front and side window on the car - Shelly speeds off.
Now this is where i got that feeling, you know that sick feeling when something just seems wrong? Well instead of speeding away as an effect of being so 'terrorized' Shellys takes advantage of his privilege in that situation (..being in a car) and tries to run the black male down. The odd thing was, as he was doing it he said "he went too far this time" - as if he had known him for yrs. As if he had suffered multiple offenses from this person. As if he had been abused by this man one too many times and this was just the last straw and so of course RUNNING him over with a car is justifyable.
How could this random black man who Shelly had never seen before in his life 'go too far'? It's called misplaced rage. Shellys white male/female friends make fun of him, leave him out of things, degrade him, tell him he isn't wanted, manipulate and control him throughout the film and yet his only surge of aggression that EVER manifests is on a random black guy he's never met before. Too afriad to go against your own race Shelly? Or rather too afraid to give up the privileges that come with be socially as well as physically white? Because one component of social whiteness is complete and utter avoidence of conflict, no? And so in typical wp fashion he put his aggressions in the one place he knew there would be no legal , emotional, physical, economical, social, or moral repercussions to his actions. Not to mention in the end it was a white man and a latina woman running over a black man. If that doesn't clear up the fact that skin is key and that the closer you look to white the more likely you are to band together in a fight against the darkies - then i don't know what does.
People have very little respect for horror films but atleast they can say and deal with what most film directors bury under a foolish storyline, an emaciated (empowered) white girl, and an emotionally crippled white man who secretly has a heart of gold. in short, what has a romantic comedy done lately in the fight against racism, sexism, and homophobia? oh i know, completely rienforce all thoes ideologies. So maybe horror movies display violence, over sexualization, degredation, and sadism - but atleast they don't lie. Ya know, and tell woman they're safe. We have policies, laws, and police. Nothings gonna happen to you - like i said, atleast they don't lie.
Hannaford - racism style.
So i walked into Hannafords in portsmoth NH the other night. As i walk in i feel the usual stares of "oh gosh, where did that come from?" and " dear lord she's burned!" but i ignore them and head straight for the wine asile - ya. I grab my favorite wine, a crisp sav blanc. Then i go to look for red bull, at mirs respectful request. I can't seem to find it so i stop at the 14 items or less lane and politely ask the white woman standing there "Excuse me miss, where can i locate the red bull?" and i mean i said that word for word. That is how i was brought up to speak to people. Respectfully! She stares at me for about 30 seconds and then calls over a boy who looks like a mix between latino and white to "deal" with me. He tells me they're over by the ice cream - i excuse myself, say thank you to both of them and walk off. On my way back from getting the red bull - i spot the egg nog. Now , i am a nog fiend so i grabbed it and ran to the checkout with a smile. I ended up going back to the woman who has "helped" me before - i thought it was only respectful to continue the customer/worker dynamic i had began with her. As i am checking out the younger clerks at registers around us were talking about skipping classes. The woman looks up at me, smirks, and says " you look like you skip class all the time, don't ya?"
I gave her no response. Then before i left i said to her "negroes take their education seriously since we were only allouted it like 60 yrs ago!" - and hey, maybe i was off on the length of time, but my point was clear.
do you see this america? I can't even shop for food without racism finding me.
I gave her no response. Then before i left i said to her "negroes take their education seriously since we were only allouted it like 60 yrs ago!" - and hey, maybe i was off on the length of time, but my point was clear.
do you see this america? I can't even shop for food without racism finding me.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
change of plans
For me talking has become unsafe. I never say or do the right thing - im always upsetting someone. I'm wondering if its worth it anymore.
Everyday i wonder why i can't learn my lesson. I obviously see how i make mistakes, how i hurt people with my opinions and beliefes and yet i refuse to change. It is the hardest thing i've ever had to work on. I've been trying to change me personailty, beliefes, and behaviors for two yrs now. Have i gotten somewhere? of course. I've learned not to speak up - uhh, thats sad. But really i am tired of trying to change me, while everyone else gets to be their full selves.
Everyday i wonder why i can't learn my lesson. I obviously see how i make mistakes, how i hurt people with my opinions and beliefes and yet i refuse to change. It is the hardest thing i've ever had to work on. I've been trying to change me personailty, beliefes, and behaviors for two yrs now. Have i gotten somewhere? of course. I've learned not to speak up - uhh, thats sad. But really i am tired of trying to change me, while everyone else gets to be their full selves.
Lets chat..
Hello Everyone!
Welcome to my blog. I'm glad to know that people will be reading this, mainly because i know i have something important to say - and i have the right to do so.
So lets talk about the blog title because i know it will cause anger, confusion, but most of all laughter. Not the kind of the privileged masses, but the laughter of the oppressed. Laughing because statements of this uncomfortable magnitude, at times, are our only weapons. So i named it this because i am a curvy, nurturing, motherly, big breasted, patient, black woman = mammie. I have been perceived and treated as such most of my life, but never as much as when i was part of an all white collective in college. My best friend and i joined this collective with all the best intentions - only to end up be tokenized (duh) and eventually ostracized. I believe that is was my refusal to be their token anymore than brought about my demise in the collective, and the beginning of a recovery period that is about to enter its 2nd yr. I am more confident, and have moved far beyond my initial feelings but unfortunately for me - racism stains.
I plan to open up my life, thoughts, emotions, and intellect to write honestly and clearly about what i see happening around me. I hope it pierces like i mean it to..
Welcome to my blog. I'm glad to know that people will be reading this, mainly because i know i have something important to say - and i have the right to do so.
So lets talk about the blog title because i know it will cause anger, confusion, but most of all laughter. Not the kind of the privileged masses, but the laughter of the oppressed. Laughing because statements of this uncomfortable magnitude, at times, are our only weapons. So i named it this because i am a curvy, nurturing, motherly, big breasted, patient, black woman = mammie. I have been perceived and treated as such most of my life, but never as much as when i was part of an all white collective in college. My best friend and i joined this collective with all the best intentions - only to end up be tokenized (duh) and eventually ostracized. I believe that is was my refusal to be their token anymore than brought about my demise in the collective, and the beginning of a recovery period that is about to enter its 2nd yr. I am more confident, and have moved far beyond my initial feelings but unfortunately for me - racism stains.
I plan to open up my life, thoughts, emotions, and intellect to write honestly and clearly about what i see happening around me. I hope it pierces like i mean it to..
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
They can't see you so, take your time
to everyone who taught me the lessons needed to get to where i am today.
thank you to those people who taught me the hard way (is there any other way?)
thank you to those people who held my hand on this long road
thank you to those people i love now and those i will always love deep down
whether good or bad, you changed my life
and i wouldn't forget any of you, even if i could
you saw me at the lowest points of my life
and some of you saw the good i was capable of
and believed in me
but even if you gave up on me, you still helped me move forward
so,
thank you.
and i'm sorry. for everything. and i'm happy to say i will love you forever!
thank you to those people who taught me the hard way (is there any other way?)
thank you to those people who held my hand on this long road
thank you to those people i love now and those i will always love deep down
whether good or bad, you changed my life
and i wouldn't forget any of you, even if i could
you saw me at the lowest points of my life
and some of you saw the good i was capable of
and believed in me
but even if you gave up on me, you still helped me move forward
so,
thank you.
and i'm sorry. for everything. and i'm happy to say i will love you forever!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Really, b?
OhMiGosh! I just came across the feminist words that FINALLY explain what happened to me almost two yrs ago.
'As a Black female member of the very white collective I was made to feel so devalued and unworthy of basic human consideration when I reached out for support. Given that gross lack of compassion, I felt compelled to walk away from a circle of women who enjoy throwing around the word “sisterhood” like confetti at a children’s birthday party. I was allowed to walk away as if my presence and then my non-presence were equally valueless to them.'
...my thoughts exactly.
Now the reason this is complicated is because i don't want to seem like i blame the whole group - - or even the group for what is was. I blame miscommunication, actions. But it manifested there, that was the seed from which my downfall came. If not for the group i do not think it would have been so easy to speak ill of me and make it stick. I have been told many times to keep silent about WU and what it was for me. I was there, for a minute. Then i checked out mentally. it was too hard to catch up. I've spoken to olivia and we both agree that it was almost like there was a secrect langage being spoken that we DIDN'T understand. For example, when we were in "meetings" sometimes it felt like a bunch of friends with history, memories, tragedies, and so on coming together with us on the fringes. That was hard, so for someone to silence me on that experience is really just bullshit. And thats just it, ya know? That persons attempt to silence me was because " i wasn't there very long or from the beginning." Ah! so thats its, obviosly the appropriate thing to do when someone is expressing concern, pain, and anger is to devalue that persons experience. riiiiight. Anyways, all i meant was that just proves my concerns corret. To some, there was some level, some form on closeness i was not meant to have. And this reminds me of the quote above.
On the blog where i found that quote i also found MANY others talking explicitly about a black womens tokenization in a white collective, and her worthlessness in said collective. It was the FIRST feminist writing that EVER made me cry. I teared up finally seeing a reflection of my life written down. it was like a miracle or something. She captured exactly what i have thought to myself, litterally everyday, since the incident occured. It rings of all the blame, shame, and disgust i felt. Especially the shame. The shame was so fucking bad, now - - it lingers but is not in control the same way.
I'm feeling pretty good today. Mirandas birthday is at the end of the week and im sooo excited. I'm sure we'll go to the ocean for part of it :) Monday is grooming day, so i washed my hair and now ill do my nails. im painting them gold to match my bittie oliv.
Friday, October 9, 2009
better go and get your armor
So i feel like i can be honest here, because i trust the people reading it. Things have been going well lately. I'm definitely moving away from being DEEPLY depressed for the first time in two yrs. So that's obviously a plus. But today, today i feel very angry. I know this kind of thing comes and goes with the loss of a relationship or any kind, but i HATE feeling like this.
My feelings fluctuate between wishing i could get in a time machine, wishing it NEVER happened, and wishing i could explode without restraint.
The thing is, people REALLY don't understand where my violence and anger come from. For me, and where im from (culturally and regionally) some things are worth fighting over. Some disrespect is too much. & really, the judgment of that reaction to life is a greater judgment than people realize. The most obvious is a judgment on race and class.
i feel trapped. like im not supposed to talk about it. i love Miranda, and would never want us to have to break-up. And i certainly don't wish we never found each other, it's just the cost. it was so large. and i wonder how much i was ignoring the facts. By that i mean, why did i trust anyone to understand? Even though i have been told time and time again, by different people, that what happened over the past two yrs has NOTHING to do with me and Miranda dating (ya....right), i disagree. That is the origin. Before that i was loved, one of the token black girls. Back then people were intrigued by my passion,anger, and upfront attitude. Suddenly now, and conveniently, im just a brutish bully. K, im the bully but im the one who had to leave and org and go into hiding because of so much back talking, judgments, and bullshit. sure. ok. ya.
And when i get like this, this is when i can hear certain ppls voices. like hers, telling me not to "play victim" and to "stop complaining because i wasn't really traumatized". i HEAR that so clearly whenever i get mad or sad. I hear ppl telling me that im overracting and being delusional. Truthfully, now in my life i can't tell when someonthing is worth fighting for/over anymore. I'm worried that all of my behaviors bring me down, because according to marie and jen they do/have. I'm stuck feeling like i have no history, no experiences, no nothing that matters to anyone, not even me. I don't even believe me sometimes. I'm often kicking myself in the ass and trying to 'get over' things without dealing with them.
Just writing this, expressing myself, makes me feel like a victim. a pathetic victim. but thats just it, i cant forget.
My feelings fluctuate between wishing i could get in a time machine, wishing it NEVER happened, and wishing i could explode without restraint.
The thing is, people REALLY don't understand where my violence and anger come from. For me, and where im from (culturally and regionally) some things are worth fighting over. Some disrespect is too much. & really, the judgment of that reaction to life is a greater judgment than people realize. The most obvious is a judgment on race and class.
i feel trapped. like im not supposed to talk about it. i love Miranda, and would never want us to have to break-up. And i certainly don't wish we never found each other, it's just the cost. it was so large. and i wonder how much i was ignoring the facts. By that i mean, why did i trust anyone to understand? Even though i have been told time and time again, by different people, that what happened over the past two yrs has NOTHING to do with me and Miranda dating (ya....right), i disagree. That is the origin. Before that i was loved, one of the token black girls. Back then people were intrigued by my passion,anger, and upfront attitude. Suddenly now, and conveniently, im just a brutish bully. K, im the bully but im the one who had to leave and org and go into hiding because of so much back talking, judgments, and bullshit. sure. ok. ya.
And when i get like this, this is when i can hear certain ppls voices. like hers, telling me not to "play victim" and to "stop complaining because i wasn't really traumatized". i HEAR that so clearly whenever i get mad or sad. I hear ppl telling me that im overracting and being delusional. Truthfully, now in my life i can't tell when someonthing is worth fighting for/over anymore. I'm worried that all of my behaviors bring me down, because according to marie and jen they do/have. I'm stuck feeling like i have no history, no experiences, no nothing that matters to anyone, not even me. I don't even believe me sometimes. I'm often kicking myself in the ass and trying to 'get over' things without dealing with them.
Just writing this, expressing myself, makes me feel like a victim. a pathetic victim. but thats just it, i cant forget.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Ava Fields, RP. (resident punching bag)
So last night/this morning i discovered who the spy is that has been feeding the monster lately. I suspect that without this spy i would have been ok these past months. Instead, because of ego and wanting to prove oneself this person spied on me for info. Now i wonder, was any of this "spying" embellished by the time it got to jim jones and co. OR was it just blown out of proportion? Or, finally, was my right to privacy violated for the sake of someone elses ego? DING! We have a winner, the thought that someone has been all along violating the privacy i THOUGHT i had with my own bestfriend is irritating. Also what i say to my friends is not jim jones business or his crew, so why the interest? When you look for the negative in people you will find it, when you look for mistakes they will be there. Some would call it coincidence, i call it setting someone up. Yup, thats right, spying on someone through a space where they assume they are safe to process emotions is the most disrespectful thing i have ever experienced, and thats saying a lot given the past 2 yrs.
WHAT ARE MY FUCKING RIGHTS? As a woman, as a black woman, a woman of size, as a woman in pain? This situation make me see that i have very few in this community, with these certain people and i hope the spying stops now...or ill make it stop.
but hey jim jones says jump, they drink the kool aid.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
my moon, my girl
....my moon makes SO much sense.
Moon is in 20 Degrees Pisces.
You have strong feelings and are extremely sensitive. It would help if you had a thicker skin -- you tend to react emotionally to every situation you come across. Kind, gentle and considerate of the feelings of others, you are good at taking care of the sick, wounded and helpless. But you tend to absorb the energy of others -- so avoid those who are always negative. You have a rich, creative and lively imagination, but you should be careful not to spend all your time daydreaming. Very intuitive, you have good ESP and may be quite clairvoyant or psychic. Remember that you too have the right to get what you want from life. If you are always defensive and kowtowing to others, people will take advantage of you and exploit you.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
does that make me a sinner? no, a scientist.
Miranda and i have been playing music together now for months. Maybe going on about 5 months. Sometimes we go to best buy and she plays the electric drums while i play like 800 rounds of wii. hahaha. Then sometimes we go into the practice rooms and mess around with the base guitars. & we try to write songs. I sing, comfortably. But i can only sing for Miranda and even thats hard sometimes. I want to be able to sing anytime, anyplace, i want to feel proud of my talent. And for me pride, when it's not keeping me from doing something, is completely unattainable.
i miss cathy and becca. They're away on a journey which i can't wait to hear about. They'll be back soon, im just antsy. I can't wait to take that kind of journey with miranda. By fall of 2010 we will be far away from here and i am so excited for that. Maybe cali, maybe NY. My best, john,is moving to brooklyn in about a month. He just sprung this on me yesterday at coffee. Stunned, but happy for him. Now i have somewhere to stay when things get rough. & im just happy for my friends. We all need to get out of here.
I think i closed to the door on all the negativity in my life. I can't make people love me and even more important i can't say i love them when im really just afraid of the end. Animotion said it best " I’ve been calling it love. Because i want u to stay. Calling it love, Say you’ll stay. Calling it love Cause i’m too scared to say....Let’s call it a day" - reallllygood 80's song. HUGE power ballad. download it, now!
gotta eat and do tarrot. plus, im writing today on "the serpent and the rainbow"."don't bury me, im not dead!" - oh bill pullman, what a famous line :)
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Classical
I ask because im speechless
I ask you to move your hands
Up, Up, Up
Above my eyebrows
Not beneath my under the pink
My stomach pressed against the cold piano keys
Silence
Except, i think
im playing Mozart.
im a noisey little creep
What a shame we all became, such fragile broken things,
A memory remains, Just a tiny spark,
I give it all my oxygen, to let the flames begin,
So let the flames begin,
Ohhhh Glory.... Ohh Glory!
This is, how we'll dance when,
when they try to take us down,
This is what we'll be ohh glory.
Somewhere weakness is our strength,
And i'll die searching for it,
I can't let myself regret, such selfishness,
My pain I know the trouble caused, no matter how long,
I believe that there's hope,
buried beneath it all, and,
hiding beneath it all and,
growing beneath it all and...
This is, how we'll dance when,
when they try to take us down,
This is how we'll sing out...
This is, how we'll stand when,
when they burn our houses down,
This is what we'll be Oh Glory!
Reaching as I sink down into life.
Reaching as I sink down into life.
This is, how we dance when,
when they try to take us down,
This is how we'll sing out.
This is, how we'll stand when,
when they burn our houses down,
This is what we'll be Oh Glory!
- Paramore ( from their album 'Riot!', 2007)
Saturday, September 12, 2009
will you accept?
Feeling very open and honest today. i want to kill tenstion. I've made some shitty mistakes in life, like everyone else, but i am confident that i can pull through. my intentions are good, but intent vs impact is tricky.
i am changing. slowly. gradually. and i can only hope those who actually care for me will hold out :)
much love, and keep reading.
p.s. i want so badly to right all my wrongs. seems like every time i try i ruin it. I'm hoping for another chance, but am comfortable accepting i may never get one.
Monday, August 31, 2009
we are the people thats come here to play
been obsessed with oz lately. But not just the wizard of oz. or oz like the emerald city. but 'oz' like the HBO show.
for thoes who may not understand WHY or HOW i could like a show like that just remember this: you don't own me :)
Sunday, August 30, 2009
dear sweet funny urning brenda.
she gave up her woman down at the alter
and if she were "someone" i think you'd cry for her
and tracey was asking if we were her brothers
but we all said no.
tracey swore she'd take me to bed
but i buckled my belt where she combed the edge
she spoke of the church bells like they were the sin
calling the boys to get their appetites in.
and it pains me to figure i was never safe
being backhanded, a lasso around my waist
she strung me up and showed me around
so everyone would know she was 'down'.
and if she were my alice, i'd cut off her head.
and if she were "someone" i think you'd cry for her
and tracey was asking if we were her brothers
but we all said no.
tracey swore she'd take me to bed
but i buckled my belt where she combed the edge
she spoke of the church bells like they were the sin
calling the boys to get their appetites in.
and it pains me to figure i was never safe
being backhanded, a lasso around my waist
she strung me up and showed me around
so everyone would know she was 'down'.
and if she were my alice, i'd cut off her head.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
ants in the underwear
I'm ready to move away.
Atlanta? California? New york? or New jersey? Coincidentally all places where they have taped the real housewives. oh ava, obsessed fan much? And i really am a fan. Im mostly a fan of ATL and New york. ATL is amazing because it showcases something that white america deliberatly tried to aviod - - wealth black men and women. welathy, not rich! Allen iverson is rich, the man who signs his paycheck is wealthy. see what im saying? There is nothing more refreshing then knowing that black americans can employ wealth, and keep in the family as white settlers have done for yrs. Hence there is an extreme divide between money in white communities and money in black communities. The bottom line is white people had a 400 yr start on acrewing wealth.
I'm headed to cambridge tonight with cathy, becca, and miranda to see meagan! so exciting. I love car rides and road trips. I made a really good mix playlist of everything i like. I trust myself with music. My taste is pheonmenal - - in all things media. I'm lucky that way.
Ugh. soo hot. summer came too late. & in just a few days i will be learning chinese. dig that.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Filth brought to the light.
So i spent this past weekend up in tenants harbor maine - obviously with miranda. Anyway with all the crazy weather that was happening we were able to go out to the 'roaring spout' for some great visuals. The waves were about 10 feet high. We had to stand very far back but didn't miss any of the sights. There were two other groups of people there doing the exact same thing. It's a popular spot, a short car ride from mir's house.I've been feeling vry liberated lately. I feel like once i let go of some very negative things in my past there was a weight lifted. For the first time in two yrs i can imagine my life without thoes things. Even when they were hurting me i didn't exactly want to let go of them - or to push them out of my life. But i do feel very good and confident in the fact that i have a huge future ahead of me. And not only do i have my own furute to look forward to, but mirandas as well. She will be done with her masters this and year and then we're moving far away from NH! Thats such an exciting thing to think about. Starting a shared life with somone i love is one of the most beautiful changes i've made in my life.
im suddenly at a loss for words. keep well and keep reading.
p.s. can't get the album dilate off of repeat. over and over ani, over and over.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
...and if you don't believe me you never really knew
...looks like i know where this is going and i might know how it ends, but I'm still willing to begin. -- MM
Lately, i have been OBSESSING over Mandy Moore's last two albums. I know most people think she is ridiculous - but i tell you, if you want to hear heartbreak, pain, suffering, release, transformation and forgiveness all in a single note pick up 'Wild Hope' (released June 2007). Even i was impressed by her writing and singing skills and I've been a fan since the beginning. I always believe in her talent, grace, and poise. When i met her back in 2007 i almost died! She was sitting in front of my chatting about how much she like my hair and smiling. MM..right in front of me? Yes, its a wonder i didn't try to shove her in my bag and calmly walk away. Say what you want about her, but it's guaranteed 99% ignorance and taking a cue from the general public. Advice: make your own conclusions, please?
Songs i would suggest to open Pandora's box (aka Mandy Moore's amazingness):
1. Wild hope - Wild hope
2. Most of me - Wild hope
3. Slummin' in paradise - Wild hope
4. Gardenia - Wild hope ( NO ONE can resist this, it's heartbreaking)
5. Ever Blue - Amanda Leigh
6. Have a little faith in me - Coverage
7. Merrimack Rive - Amanda Leigh
8. Mona lisas and Mad Hatters - Coverage
9. Song about home - Amanda Leigh
10. Breaking us in two - Coverage
Onward - - why do they insist on remaking perfectly constructed horror films from the 70's/80's? This has been a particular fad over the last 4 yrs. Some examples include , but are not limited to: Halloween, Friday the 13th, Black Christmas, Sorority Row, My Bloody Valentine, When a Stranger Calls, Prom Night, The Last House on The Left, Wicker Man, and The Hills have Eyes ( in this case there was even a sequel). I can't make any sense of this uprising. Although i can point out that this uprising coincidentally coincided with the collapsing of the economy. Now I'm no fool, i know that even saying the word "collapse" is misleading. But speaking in broad terms that is how the average American sees the issue. Hollywood knows this, and in a time of low morale a country needs horror. That is of course where the slasher film comes from. Horror films have been around a long time - - they date back as far as the 30's with films like Freaks and Frankenstein. I am not suggesting that the horror film was created in the 70's/80's but that it emerged as victorious during that time. People live off of the carnage. Hard times bring horror films. People want comfort, so they go to the movies, and they also want to watch someone have a worse experience then them. The movies is the perfect place for that. In the dark, hunched down in your seat, you can feel and experience emotions that are usually private. But in the movies you can be alone together - - group trauma. People want to be traumatized in groups - - if you're going to experience trauma why not have someone who was there with you? Someone who will always understand, but at a distance? Who can account for the same trauma and even explain how it effected them? It's back door mob mentality - going to a horror film i mean. I'm the kind of person that goes to see EVERY single horror film that comes out. So i know. I know what it means to sit in a theater, look around and realized i am one of two people this is not covering their face in fear. When i went with Miranda and Steve to see 'The Strangers' i began to realize how strange horror movie culture really is. First of all this movie freaked EVERYONE in the theater. Even i jumped a few times...well, once. Steve got so freaked his squeezed his coke until is exploded all over him and Miranda almost NEVER watched without looking through the slits between her fingers. As i looked around the theater i realized that myself and one other guy were not covering our faces. In an entire theater which usually seats over 50 people, only two were scared enough to NOT stop watching. I mean real or not, you've got to be pretty traumatized already to not flinch while watching someone be murdered on screen.
Lately, i have been OBSESSING over Mandy Moore's last two albums. I know most people think she is ridiculous - but i tell you, if you want to hear heartbreak, pain, suffering, release, transformation and forgiveness all in a single note pick up 'Wild Hope' (released June 2007). Even i was impressed by her writing and singing skills and I've been a fan since the beginning. I always believe in her talent, grace, and poise. When i met her back in 2007 i almost died! She was sitting in front of my chatting about how much she like my hair and smiling. MM..right in front of me? Yes, its a wonder i didn't try to shove her in my bag and calmly walk away. Say what you want about her, but it's guaranteed 99% ignorance and taking a cue from the general public. Advice: make your own conclusions, please?
Songs i would suggest to open Pandora's box (aka Mandy Moore's amazingness):
1. Wild hope - Wild hope
2. Most of me - Wild hope
3. Slummin' in paradise - Wild hope
4. Gardenia - Wild hope ( NO ONE can resist this, it's heartbreaking)
5. Ever Blue - Amanda Leigh
6. Have a little faith in me - Coverage
7. Merrimack Rive - Amanda Leigh
8. Mona lisas and Mad Hatters - Coverage
9. Song about home - Amanda Leigh
10. Breaking us in two - Coverage
Onward - - why do they insist on remaking perfectly constructed horror films from the 70's/80's? This has been a particular fad over the last 4 yrs. Some examples include , but are not limited to: Halloween, Friday the 13th, Black Christmas, Sorority Row, My Bloody Valentine, When a Stranger Calls, Prom Night, The Last House on The Left, Wicker Man, and The Hills have Eyes ( in this case there was even a sequel). I can't make any sense of this uprising. Although i can point out that this uprising coincidentally coincided with the collapsing of the economy. Now I'm no fool, i know that even saying the word "collapse" is misleading. But speaking in broad terms that is how the average American sees the issue. Hollywood knows this, and in a time of low morale a country needs horror. That is of course where the slasher film comes from. Horror films have been around a long time - - they date back as far as the 30's with films like Freaks and Frankenstein. I am not suggesting that the horror film was created in the 70's/80's but that it emerged as victorious during that time. People live off of the carnage. Hard times bring horror films. People want comfort, so they go to the movies, and they also want to watch someone have a worse experience then them. The movies is the perfect place for that. In the dark, hunched down in your seat, you can feel and experience emotions that are usually private. But in the movies you can be alone together - - group trauma. People want to be traumatized in groups - - if you're going to experience trauma why not have someone who was there with you? Someone who will always understand, but at a distance? Who can account for the same trauma and even explain how it effected them? It's back door mob mentality - going to a horror film i mean. I'm the kind of person that goes to see EVERY single horror film that comes out. So i know. I know what it means to sit in a theater, look around and realized i am one of two people this is not covering their face in fear. When i went with Miranda and Steve to see 'The Strangers' i began to realize how strange horror movie culture really is. First of all this movie freaked EVERYONE in the theater. Even i jumped a few times...well, once. Steve got so freaked his squeezed his coke until is exploded all over him and Miranda almost NEVER watched without looking through the slits between her fingers. As i looked around the theater i realized that myself and one other guy were not covering our faces. In an entire theater which usually seats over 50 people, only two were scared enough to NOT stop watching. I mean real or not, you've got to be pretty traumatized already to not flinch while watching someone be murdered on screen.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Hot child in the City; i wish...
Ohmigod....it's so hot. We're having a bit of a heatwave i think. Since it's been raining ALL the time lately so i should be happy...i guess? But im' not, im just sweaty.
Today was a rough day for me. A lot of emotional peeling - - layer after layer. But it's all for good health.
It's nights like this i miss miranda. to hold me hand, or just laugh at me being silly. It's nice that i get a partner and a bestfriend in one. I love her, more than i could ever really express. It is so nice to finally be with someone who isn't ashamed of me - - so many people have been (and i think (sometimes) still are).
I'm supposed to go on a picnic tomorrow but i also have a list of films i'd like to watch.
- will and grace
- sex and the city. series or movie...it doesn't matter
- beaches. - i am a sucker for bette midler
- and most importantly halloween
i wish i wish i wish i was in that cool city air again.
Today was a rough day for me. A lot of emotional peeling - - layer after layer. But it's all for good health.
It's nights like this i miss miranda. to hold me hand, or just laugh at me being silly. It's nice that i get a partner and a bestfriend in one. I love her, more than i could ever really express. It is so nice to finally be with someone who isn't ashamed of me - - so many people have been (and i think (sometimes) still are).
I'm supposed to go on a picnic tomorrow but i also have a list of films i'd like to watch.
- will and grace
- sex and the city. series or movie...it doesn't matter
- beaches. - i am a sucker for bette midler
- and most importantly halloween
i wish i wish i wish i was in that cool city air again.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Double checking
So the two women are divorced and decide to live together and raise their families side by side. The two men are BROTHERS, but i have to say they are highly homoerotic. They even have a child. One of the characters nephews. Now you tell me....what about both these shows ISN'T queer? In some way. I love Kate and Allie. sweeeet women living the good life.
I told you not to eat the skittles from my hour glass
Ohmigod.
I JUST rediscovered 'The Faculty'. You know that movie from 1998, when ALL Hollywood was doing was funding films for, about, surrounding, and exploiting teens. And when i say teens i mean the actors who played 16 yr olds but were actually 21, the 16 yr old girls who fell in love with what they were being told was a 16 yr old boy - but was actually a 21 yr old boy, causing the actors 'adoration' of his teenage fans to appear slightly pedophile-ish. The teens who actually believed that the lives, stories, and stereotypical roles would happen to them. I mean how many teenage boy losers do you think dreamed (and believed) in the day that a 'jennifer love hewitt' character would read their letter, put aside her responsibility to being the most popular girl, follow them to the train station and live happily ever - until college.? Or i wonder how many teenage boys thought they could go the Sebastian route and convince a beautiful virgin like Reese witherspoon to give it up to them? While simultaneously trying to get into another girl (their step sisters) pants - - and ultimately shedding the bad boy image for love. Unfortunately he dies in the end, but so do Romeo and Juliet. It's like a teen movie right of passage for someone attractive, in love, or having just recently reached an important point of clarity die. He did leave behind a journal though, gotta love the Virginia Woolf touch.
Teens films of the 90's definitely filled the young and impressionable minds with an idea of unity. Lets go back to 'The Faculty' since that's what inspired me to write this anyway. Six completely different and fairly unlikeable people come together to stop aliens from taking over the world? Right. We have Casey(the nerd), Zeke(the drug dealer), Stokely(the pseudo lesbian, depressed, gender ambiguous loner), Mary Beth ( the southern bell 'out of towner'), Delilah ( the most popular girl in school), and Stan ( the captain of the football team). All of them come together - - they overcome high school differences and hierarchies to emerge as young adults. Mary Beth even goes so far as to say (to stokely) ' i know you pride yourself on being the outsider, but aren't you tired of being something you're not?'B Yup, she said that. And then, after we discover that Mary Beth is the queen alien they have been looking to kill all along, she says to stokely ' we don't know if you're gay, straight, alien..'. Now how sexuality and extraterrestrial life could have ANYTHING to do with one another is beyond me. And i don't mean in a theoretical or symbolic sense, i mean in the physical world. Well, there you have it, the homophobia in film came from two very predictable sources: the small town southerner and the most popular girl in school (who obviously needs to protect her ability to be fucked, because high school IS hell). But of course this cant be blamed on 'the faculty' considering 'the breakfast club' did the exact same damage. But that was the 80's, teens NEEDED that kind of damage.
Anyway, in the end we're left with Casey the nerd. Who is played by a young and eager Elijah Wood...before Tobey Maguire took over his spot. Because he killed the alien queen himself by injecting her with what i believe was speed...crystal meth? (I'm really not sure) he gets the girl and fame - he gets Delilah. We're also shown that Stokely and Stan are dating, c'mon...that's just not likely. And finally we're shown that Zeke has joined the football team. In the end both he and Stokely give into their impulses and are shown to be 'normal' members of their high school class. The resulting message? Sex, drugs, and teenage unity can save the earth.
I JUST rediscovered 'The Faculty'. You know that movie from 1998, when ALL Hollywood was doing was funding films for, about, surrounding, and exploiting teens. And when i say teens i mean the actors who played 16 yr olds but were actually 21, the 16 yr old girls who fell in love with what they were being told was a 16 yr old boy - but was actually a 21 yr old boy, causing the actors 'adoration' of his teenage fans to appear slightly pedophile-ish. The teens who actually believed that the lives, stories, and stereotypical roles would happen to them. I mean how many teenage boy losers do you think dreamed (and believed) in the day that a 'jennifer love hewitt' character would read their letter, put aside her responsibility to being the most popular girl, follow them to the train station and live happily ever - until college.? Or i wonder how many teenage boys thought they could go the Sebastian route and convince a beautiful virgin like Reese witherspoon to give it up to them? While simultaneously trying to get into another girl (their step sisters) pants - - and ultimately shedding the bad boy image for love. Unfortunately he dies in the end, but so do Romeo and Juliet. It's like a teen movie right of passage for someone attractive, in love, or having just recently reached an important point of clarity die. He did leave behind a journal though, gotta love the Virginia Woolf touch.
Teens films of the 90's definitely filled the young and impressionable minds with an idea of unity. Lets go back to 'The Faculty' since that's what inspired me to write this anyway. Six completely different and fairly unlikeable people come together to stop aliens from taking over the world? Right. We have Casey(the nerd), Zeke(the drug dealer), Stokely(the pseudo lesbian, depressed, gender ambiguous loner), Mary Beth ( the southern bell 'out of towner'), Delilah ( the most popular girl in school), and Stan ( the captain of the football team). All of them come together - - they overcome high school differences and hierarchies to emerge as young adults. Mary Beth even goes so far as to say (to stokely) ' i know you pride yourself on being the outsider, but aren't you tired of being something you're not?'B Yup, she said that. And then, after we discover that Mary Beth is the queen alien they have been looking to kill all along, she says to stokely ' we don't know if you're gay, straight, alien..'. Now how sexuality and extraterrestrial life could have ANYTHING to do with one another is beyond me. And i don't mean in a theoretical or symbolic sense, i mean in the physical world. Well, there you have it, the homophobia in film came from two very predictable sources: the small town southerner and the most popular girl in school (who obviously needs to protect her ability to be fucked, because high school IS hell). But of course this cant be blamed on 'the faculty' considering 'the breakfast club' did the exact same damage. But that was the 80's, teens NEEDED that kind of damage.
Anyway, in the end we're left with Casey the nerd. Who is played by a young and eager Elijah Wood...before Tobey Maguire took over his spot. Because he killed the alien queen himself by injecting her with what i believe was speed...crystal meth? (I'm really not sure) he gets the girl and fame - he gets Delilah. We're also shown that Stokely and Stan are dating, c'mon...that's just not likely. And finally we're shown that Zeke has joined the football team. In the end both he and Stokely give into their impulses and are shown to be 'normal' members of their high school class. The resulting message? Sex, drugs, and teenage unity can save the earth.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Instru(menstrual)
It's funny (not funny ha ha) that horror is the LEAST respected genre of film and yet ( i would argue, and i know what i am a talking about) deconstructs and exposes many of societies values and culture. It explores human life (both waking and comatose) in a very explicit way. This way may and can often come off as non-productive, but i assure you horror films will save us all.Horror films are also VERY female centered. While of course there is the portrayal that women are hypersexual damsels in distress, who deserve to be murdered for their looseness - - their sexual power/freedom. However, (and this is the piece most people miss because they don't watch these movies at all) Women can also be antagonist - - which can be seen as a reflection of men’s pathological fear of women, their power, and menstruation, resulting in castration anxiety. Women in horror films are often thought to be child like. I mean 'child like' in the sense that they're helpless, simple, - - even small. One thing in particular that audiences gleam from horror films is that women do nothing. They do nothing to advance the plot. They do nothing when there is danger around ( mostly because they can't, am i right?). They do nothing but scream, moan and eventually die a brutal death. Wrong. Well its not wrong so much as it is surface. That understanding of women in such a male dominated genre is understandable, plausible, reasonable, and even expected. Women are thought of this way even when the film stars, or is directly about HER! There are a few women characters I'd like to talk about here. They together, but separately, string together a truth of extreme feminist importance. The period. Menstruation. The Flow. You may be asking a couple questions to yourself right now: in what movie is a women's period central? is there more than one movie? how can horror films be feminist? and I wrapped my head around this from a bunch of different directions; and i found something interesting. The films 'Ginger Snaps' (2000), and Carrie (1976) are just two examples of womens power - through menstruation.
You’ve probably all heard the euphemisms, and probably the jokes, such as: "Don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die."
to be continued....
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