if it isn't love...why do i feel this way?

Up again, same time, every morning like clockwork.

Everyday i loose more and more faith. Today, i lost faith in genunine care.

I'm not sure i want to travel when im like this. Miranda and i have about 2 weeks of solid travel ahead of us and of course i was excited. But now, now i just want to be alone. I can't even wash the dishes without breaking into tears. And i mean you can't take that with you everywhere, eventually people can't talk about it anymore. you can't talk about it anymore. Some have said i am SO SO sick, and i know it. niice. But really, its not bad that it was said, but it wasn't okay that it was made a joke. Or not even a joke, just used to make me feel less than, beneath. How can you help someone when all you want to do is make them feel feeble, weak, and disillusion? I'm sure someone will tell me someday

"Acceptance should never be mistaken for surrendering to or not caring about something. It means learning to appreciate what is given, rather than what is missing. Instead of resisting what we don’t like, acknowledge it in a new way." - Aina J

...but i cant get that. I understand that concept, but i think it's lost on a lot of other people. I do not believe i have been or could be truely accepted. No. no no. Im way too much of a bully, spiteful, hurtful bitch. And for that i don't want ANYTHING to do with ANYONE. It's weird how that happens, how one day you wake up just wanting out. Like you'd rather be dead then know how people really feel about me, how they talk, how the conspire. You'd rather be lifted to another universe where you know no one and no one knows you.

Sometimes i wish ross would come back. Thats when i know im at my lowest, when i wish for my rapist/boyfriend to come back and teach me a lesson. He was the only one that could you know, teach me how to behave. And maybe if i'd listened and learned better i wouldn't be fighting against this image thats been set up for me. I would have learned that white people always win. They make the rules, they break them. They tell you when trust is broken, fixable, or out of the picture. They tell you what trust means, and you must accept that. They call the shots. They tell when something is over, beginning, deserves a second chance, or can rot in the ground. They tell you when you're being inappropriate. There is no defense against this because they know they will always be right. They know that at the end of the day they can live in their whiteness knowing everyone will believe them, always forgive them, and always give them a second chance. I don't know whats its like to get a second chance. Because once i fuck up - its forever. All my accomplishments, goals, dreams, aspirations, everything....gone. All because someone said so.

I think im still allowed to process my feelings tho, as far as i know. So i will. And they are dangerous, like knives.