OhMiGosh! I just came across the feminist words that FINALLY explain what happened to me almost two yrs ago.
'As a Black female member of the very white collective I was made to feel so devalued and unworthy of basic human consideration when I reached out for support. Given that gross lack of compassion, I felt compelled to walk away from a circle of women who enjoy throwing around the word “sisterhood” like confetti at a children’s birthday party. I was allowed to walk away as if my presence and then my non-presence were equally valueless to them.'
...my thoughts exactly.
Now the reason this is complicated is because i don't want to seem like i blame the whole group - - or even the group for what is was. I blame miscommunication, actions. But it manifested there, that was the seed from which my downfall came. If not for the group i do not think it would have been so easy to speak ill of me and make it stick. I have been told many times to keep silent about WU and what it was for me. I was there, for a minute. Then i checked out mentally. it was too hard to catch up. I've spoken to olivia and we both agree that it was almost like there was a secrect langage being spoken that we DIDN'T understand. For example, when we were in "meetings" sometimes it felt like a bunch of friends with history, memories, tragedies, and so on coming together with us on the fringes. That was hard, so for someone to silence me on that experience is really just bullshit. And thats just it, ya know? That persons attempt to silence me was because " i wasn't there very long or from the beginning." Ah! so thats its, obviosly the appropriate thing to do when someone is expressing concern, pain, and anger is to devalue that persons experience. riiiiight. Anyways, all i meant was that just proves my concerns corret. To some, there was some level, some form on closeness i was not meant to have. And this reminds me of the quote above.
On the blog where i found that quote i also found MANY others talking explicitly about a black womens tokenization in a white collective, and her worthlessness in said collective. It was the FIRST feminist writing that EVER made me cry. I teared up finally seeing a reflection of my life written down. it was like a miracle or something. She captured exactly what i have thought to myself, litterally everyday, since the incident occured. It rings of all the blame, shame, and disgust i felt. Especially the shame. The shame was so fucking bad, now - - it lingers but is not in control the same way.
I'm feeling pretty good today. Mirandas birthday is at the end of the week and im sooo excited. I'm sure we'll go to the ocean for part of it :) Monday is grooming day, so i washed my hair and now ill do my nails. im painting them gold to match my bittie oliv.
