Now just come and love me like we're gonna die...

So many things ARE right now. I have lots of feelings. Lots.

That weird feeling, where it literally feels like your heart sunk into your stomach.  I feel like an ass hole. I feel like a fool - every time my trust is broken.

BUT i know the words "...guilt is a useless emotion" its pathetic and it doesn't solve anything. blah blah blah, well neither does ignoring it.

I have been feeling stronger lately. Those hateful feelings I've had for myself over the last 3 years is slowly fading. But not quick enough. Not when your life is a minefield of reminders that you were thrown away. Ah, yes, dispose of the black girl. she is a waste of our time. TRUTH!

i am getting terrified that the trauma is too deep. And i know that most would tell me to get over it, but then most people didnt wake up one day to find ppl ignoring them, talking shit in front and behind their backs, or people using their race to degrade them. Ya, when you go from having/trusting a group of women to being destroyed by their thinking, scheming, plotting, and destruction...we can talk. It's buried, but every now and then i see something that reminds me of that time and my wounds are completely reopened. i remember every word that was said, every glare, everything. i remember everything.

I LOST EVERYTHING! i didn't have a choice. i had to rebuild my whole fucking life because of that shit. And so forgive me, but i do not think its fair you didn't experience the same. I love how now that a few years have gone by suddenly everyones matured and almost wants to forget the past, ignore, and move on. I CANT fucking move on. My life was turned upside down. My sexual behaviors and preferences were on display. for ANYONE to judge.And now everyone wants peace? Well fuck you! i didn't get peace! 

But of course, as this usually goes for black women - - when you want to defend yourself, later or right then its considered childish and violent. When a blk women comes to defend herself she is taunted, and reminded of the things that were said before. Her enemies come with soft almost condescending tones that say things like "i wish you the best" and "i hope we can move past this with a clean slate" and "Lets just move on". I HATE those. It's a cop out. Translation: "i don't think i did anything wrong to you. you acted like a brute. i was defending myself - and i know you can control your primitive rage, but try. I've grown so much since overturning your life and i am no longer that person, so you cant blame me for what happened to you. lets just like it go--"

i guess i need more time...