You know there's disco in the air and hairspray everywhere

TEN random things about me:
10. today is my birthday & my bestfriend made me a cake in the shape of a fall out boy album.
9. my rage factor goes from 0-100 in seconds…really.
8. i often get carded at the movies and for liquor more than anyone else, cause i look like im 14.
7. i am addicted to the history channel.
6. i think about revenge 100 times a day. plotting it. acting on it. and eventually getting it
5. i never wear make-up.
4. in the summertime i dance into my clothes each morning.
3. i hate beyonce, shes a race traitor, do not mention her name to me, EVER.
2. i am obsessed with dallas. i can quote it, deconstruct it, complicate it, and expand on it. it’s deeeeep.
1. i plan of living the beautiful, dirty, rich life one day with my friends and partner at my side.

NINE ways to win my heart:
9. rocking out to guitars on a long car ride.
8. a nice necklace, on a nice neck.
7. accept that mandy moore is my idol.
6. accept that fall out boy are my religous leaders.
5. dance with me.
4. buy me wine every single day of my life.
3. kisss me, slowly, deeply, and long everyday.

2. you best be funny.

1. being a politically radical progressive machine, i dig opinion based personalities.

EIGHT things I wanna do before I die:
8. get my dvd collection into the 10,000’s.
7. kiss under a waterfall.
6. write a book about the feminist regime at UNH.
5. Meet the entire cast of dallas (still living)
4. move onto southfork.
3. dance and move with confidence in my body.
2. become the person i know im supposed to be.
1. exorcise negativity out of my life, completely.

Seven things that annoy me:
7. thoes who think they know everything there is to know - get fucked.
6. race, queer, sex, and underprvilieged traitors.
5. when people put my dvd’s in the wrong cases or leave them sitting out. AHHH.
4. friends who turn out to be traitos - not interested.
3. hypocrites who can’t admit it..
2. dirt and disorganization - OCD.
1. when white feminists appropriate black culture & even go so far as to say they’re ‘black on the inside’ - check yourself.

Six things i believe in:
6. that marriage is a heterosexist institution that has historical roots of treating women as property
5. that radically progressive ideas are the truth.
4. paganism.
3. anything that upsets the heterosexual, white, upper class, privileged, christain, model of society.
2. Oj not going to jail.
1. i am a paraiah.

Five things im afraid of:
5. car crashes.
4. dissapointing people.
3. not getting to my full artistic potential
2. falling down and having my teeth puncture through my lips.
1. that the levels of opression we’re currently living under will escolate in an attempt to exterminate me and the ones i love. this is fact. this is a real fear when you’re a black, queer, lower class, woman living in NH.

FOUR of my favorite items in my room:
4. holy water recepticle.
3. shelly
2. magazines
1. portrait of diane court and lloyd dobler on my mirror - they remind me love is alive.

THREE things i do everyday
3. kisssss my lover.
2. recite lady gaga lyrics.
1. make dallas jokes, refernces, deconstructions, etc via text with john.

TWO people i want to see right now.
2. john.
1. my father.

One thing i wanna do right now.
1. get well.

You play. You win. You play. You lose. You play.

Today- You (I) win. I’m obsessed with checking, always checking. I do this for myself. Maybe im unhealthy, i can admit that - but that doesn’t mean i should take shit. get fucked.

i am imperfect. bad, even. but today i win. doesn’t matter that to some I’m pathetic. today i win. this morning i looked at myself in the mirror for a long time. i really looked at my face, and behind my eyes i swear i could see hell. anger has me by the throat. i submit to and obey my anger. It propels me, jars me into the moment, even reminds me why im alive. i breathe it. & i like it that way. my anger is my only will - it keeps me going. I do like to move forward - my anger can’t be stationed on one thing for too long. this is all new. usually i could be angry at the same person for years, but now since im extracting all social bile from my life i want to make sure i get everyone. i will remove you - by force or otherwise. my patients wore thin - jerk.

i did find a dress for my party - black, obviously. lace. see-through, sometimes. i wont be too much tho - i know the limits. the food will be incredible. everything that i love. the music will be amazing. the alcohol will flow. im hoping for a huge toast - that would bring me to life somehow. i will dance until i collapse. i want to celebrate me. i want to be able to dance for me, toast for me, exist for me. miranda, wonderful, i love her. we have it for real - it’s not a coo for financial security or social rights of any kind. we stay because we’re in love. funny, i dont see many people doing that anymore. and whats more hilarious is that we live in a society that condemns same sex couples, but at least they’re not in it for money and power. they can’t be. there’s no federal equality. im not going to put out for a man just to get a house, money, or security. but its built that way. it’s built so that women have to consider that as a path - that is the fault of a patriarchal hetero-sexist legal system. but still begs the question - why do you get to qualify queer relationships when your own is a farce that is completely based on exercising your privileged rights? again, get fucked.

i am having alice in wonderland cupcakes for my party. blue icing. white writing. ‘eat me’ in bold letters. it will have more than one meaning, dig that?

cherry cherry boom boom

Going to see Lady GaGa as part of my birthday festivities. I also am having a party - dallas themed obviously. I won an award this week. To all the people who think i dont deserve it i say F-U-C-K Y-O-U! I said it slow so every word counted.

I am going to be Katherine Wentworth for the paty. my dress is sick - all i need is a huge hat. ive been purging negativity from my life in the past month. & it’s been great. all gone. gooodbye. no more funny business. thank goodness.

i’m no longer a victime - now im a head hunter.

i am a bull & when you mess with the bull you get the horns. read it. believe it.fear it.

But death

When I think about this I’m never truly sure.
I have extended my motives,
And done nothing.

I have fallen in love with a poison apple.
I’m bathed in my papers where I breathe my
Thoughts, and burn my secrets.

But death is the only dialect I dream to speak.
It screams,
Like an addiction it’s both crazy and lustful.

I might have, in life,
Dreamed this intruder,
Ingested this intruder,
Given it it’s life and meaning.

Just like this, scheming and scary,
Steamier than hells caves,
I have thought to myself, burning at the earlobes

Could dying be the answer to unwed problems,
Burned souls,
And scorched egos?

It is there that “it” waits,
Burning under my tongue,
Begging to be spoken.

But death is the only digestible substance,
Unearthed by all means,
Declared in a thousand languages.

Here in this, I am bound,
broken, and bridged.
Torn between tolerance and torment.

But death is the only audible sound.
It stands unmasked, unbroken,
Undressed, and screams, beckoning me.

It is here, among the paper,
Black and burned,
I hate everything, but death.

everyone knew

I finally got what I deserved today, apparently. I guess I thought my heart couldn’t break anymore. But it is. And I am. I am all those things Jen said. I am absolutely pathetic. Awful. Fake. Rude. Disgusting. Why do I keep punishing people this way? I feel like a coward – or maybe a burden. You cannot love someone like me. Not after what Jen said. I can’t receive love. I do not deserve love. I don’t think so anyway. I feel ruined. Like ill be isolated for days, weeks, months. She made me feel ashamed to be depressed. It makes wanting to die a lot easier to imagine. Thinking of myself in a box, buried, so I can never hurt anyone again – it frightens and soothes me. I think this is where I stand – now, and most likely, forever.