Today- You (I) win. I’m obsessed with checking, always checking. I do this for myself. Maybe im unhealthy, i can admit that - but that doesn’t mean i should take shit. get fucked.
i am imperfect. bad, even. but today i win. doesn’t matter that to some I’m pathetic. today i win. this morning i looked at myself in the mirror for a long time. i really looked at my face, and behind my eyes i swear i could see hell. anger has me by the throat. i submit to and obey my anger. It propels me, jars me into the moment, even reminds me why im alive. i breathe it. & i like it that way. my anger is my only will - it keeps me going. I do like to move forward - my anger can’t be stationed on one thing for too long. this is all new. usually i could be angry at the same person for years, but now since im extracting all social bile from my life i want to make sure i get everyone. i will remove you - by force or otherwise. my patients wore thin - jerk.
i did find a dress for my party - black, obviously. lace. see-through, sometimes. i wont be too much tho - i know the limits. the food will be incredible. everything that i love. the music will be amazing. the alcohol will flow. im hoping for a huge toast - that would bring me to life somehow. i will dance until i collapse. i want to celebrate me. i want to be able to dance for me, toast for me, exist for me. miranda, wonderful, i love her. we have it for real - it’s not a coo for financial security or social rights of any kind. we stay because we’re in love. funny, i dont see many people doing that anymore. and whats more hilarious is that we live in a society that condemns same sex couples, but at least they’re not in it for money and power. they can’t be. there’s no federal equality. im not going to put out for a man just to get a house, money, or security. but its built that way. it’s built so that women have to consider that as a path - that is the fault of a patriarchal hetero-sexist legal system. but still begs the question - why do you get to qualify queer relationships when your own is a farce that is completely based on exercising your privileged rights? again, get fucked.
i am having alice in wonderland cupcakes for my party. blue icing. white writing. ‘eat me’ in bold letters. it will have more than one meaning, dig that?