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Friday, July 24, 2009

they found a bible by each victim - - suggesting the crimes were deliberate

I want to give back every moment I smiled. I want to erase all the times I was happy and laughing. I want to give them away, I want to forget them. I want everyone else to forget them. I don’t want people to think that I think I deserve to live. That I could think I was that special: to have interests, and favorites, and hobbies, and personal likes and dislikes, and skills. I do not want this. I don’t. I feel like I have to say things to make it in society, I don’t actually think im worth anything. It’s all an illusion. I don’t think im worth more than my suicide attempts, or molestation, or deeeeep depression, or disordered eating, or being slapped around, or ruining my relationships/friendships. I do not know what brainwashing I have gone through to make me believe those things. How did I get it in my head that I was allowed to smile and have joys? I lost it for a minute there, but now I understand. Minimum smiling & laughing. No joys. No more likes and dislikes. No more self definition period – definition is something you earn. I have done nothing in life to earn self definition.

what is wrong with me?
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