But i haven't been able to write either. or say. i don't know how to do either anymore. I'm very cautious - in the midst of knowing how bad i can be. It seems like i make mistake after mistake. Like i can't change. And maybe everyone's onto something about me. I wouldn't doubt that, how nice of a person can a black woman be?
I did it, i broke every rule. But in all fairness i didn't know some of them were there. But that doesn't excuse breaking them.
Something happened, something snapped in my recently. No sleep. i can't sleep. I can't hug or stand the sound of my own voice. I can't eat...wont eat.
Right now, i hate being black. it is killing me. it is too easy to use it against me, and it doesn't matter if it was 5 years ago or 5 mins ago the impact is endless. i just feel guilty and helpless. i feel responsible. i feel broken, like i just can't be fixed or something. And i don't even know whats wrong.
I want to stay away. i want to go away. i dont want to tell anyone i love them or care for them because that love, that care is like poison. It seems to do no good that i love someone, i loved my dad, and he died without even saying goodbye.
i hear everyone SCREAMING " theres the door, get the fuck out of the door!". ive been told many times by many different people that self hatred is not productive, but when all you get from people is negative feedback, what do you feed yourself?
I'm at the point where i don't want friends. i'd like to give up, (weak, i know) but im not good at it. Would you ask someone to fly a plane that doesn't have a pilots license?
I'd rather have broken ribs, pain, cuts, bruises, my mom not believing in me, being called a monster, actually being one, have people hate me, an overdose, or whatever. I'm not comfortable with who I've become. I used to be so obedient, then i came to college and realized i didn't have to be. only to, in the end, be punished for not being obedient. i fucked up, everyone knows no one likes you unless you keep the peace. tell lies. lie to yourself, and kiss ass. and i , i thought i was above it and now look at me. it happens i guess...
this is not about anyone else. this is about how i see me. as brought to me by them. i can already see the displeasing looks, gawks, and stares at the screen. no one likes someone honest enough to say they hate themselves. that kind of rawness is disarming.
a mistake is forever. it can't be undone. not by me or anyone else. it will always be there, reminding me that i have no clue how to make choices.
but what happened to me? what snapped? somewhere someone is smiling. & rightfully so.
