when will i fucking die already

When i woke up this morning i thought i saw the sky falling down. i was happy, thought the world was finally ending. I do wish the end would hurry, there is too much pain in this world.

I've thought long and hard about myself these last few weeks.What do i offer people around me? Am i capable of love and compassion? truely?

Do i deserve friends? because im starting to think thats what this is all about. Maybe i cant. maybe im no good at it. I'm stuck with the past, the past that deems me 'untrustworthy'. And i agree with them. I want to get out of my body, mind, and soul. They're all rotten.  I don't know what anyone sees in me, but i see nothing in myself.

I feel like Micheal Myers, except my homicidal rage is latent. But i am bad like that, you know, when your core is rotten.

i want to cut it out of me. this things that makes me disposable. i want to cut out all the parts that people can sense, and that i can sense. Apologies aren't enough, i owe the world more, like blood.

choose life

if she ate dirt - then we could forgive her
at times she slips, falls in the snow, and refuses to pick herself up
her ankles are weak,the buckle in at the sight of the gravel
ghosts - push her around

and at times she eats dinner past midnight
the dishes balanced on her window pane

and we could forgive

if she ate dirt

meet me in the back, with the jack, by the jukebox

So i woke up this morning to a MAJOR snow storm. The irony of the world being covered in whiteness on MARTIN LUTHER KING'S birthday is much.

Anyways, it seemed like a Ke$ha kind morning, so i whipped out 'Animal'.brilliance.

I think today will be productive. I plan on writing, something. Maybe a section of a play. Who knows. I also plan to watch countless horror movies, download music, and relax with the roomies. Oliv is going up to Kams tomorrow so ill be alone for a few days :( Whatever, at least i know EVERY day Miranda comes home to me. It's the best.

OH! Also, i cant wait till thurs when i head to NY for our group reunion!!!!! xoxoxoxox.

As the lady gaga says 'so happy i could die....and its alright.'

fucking misses Dalloway...

I hate always planning things because everyone else is to lazy and self obsessed to do so. its making me sick, and making me wish i knew no one.

I look at myself in the mirror and try to think of ways to disappear. its hard. i want to, FIX it. Whatever this thing is that makes me less than human. i am the real selfish one.

three things i NEVER want to hear again because they're seriously counterproductive:

1.well your life could be worse. < - shut the fuck up. thats like telling someone their pain isnt real or worth grieving over, and if you believe that i worry for you

2. Why don't you just... <- making change seem easy and readily accessible. fuck you.

3. It happens to everyone... < - ya maybe it does, but personal circumstances can make what feels like a routine lot in life VERY painful. do your fucking social observations and grow up.

AMERICA. your positive talk makes me want to barf. kill. and slap you.

But me, icant stand to look at myself. all the mistakes. They'll never go away. i know i should not feel bad about my life because [so many others have it way worse].and besides i need to be punished, put in my place.

i have gone so far out of line.

I think about how i am constantly feeling disconnected.Im in the world,but im trapped in my mind.

If i didnt believe in punishments, i dont know where i would be.

MADHOUSE

Without Rihannas new album i would not even be floating right now.

it's brave. and scortching.

Russian Roultette? already been played.

No ava, NO WAY!

My computer crashed this week. I have been devastated by losing all my writing. that alone has been keeping me sad. So i THOUGHT i saved all my writing to my external hard drive, but oh no! nothing! i lost all my writing. my whole life. i feel like my heart is broken! I feel like something was taken from me. I will never get those words back. And all my play writing........gone. Things Ive been writing since i was 9 yrs old. I'm so upset i cant even think about my finals, or the fact that i have no money for rent. This is so inconvenient and horrible. My stomach is turning.

HOW could i have been so irresponsible? I hear my mothers voice, but my own as well. - wondering how i could be so careless. im usually smarter than that, but this just proves my absent mindedness....if i don't care to save my own writing who the fuck will care to read it?

Over. I have to start all over. and in a split second i think maybe this is good. rebirth? Am i not meant to have those words anymore? are they part of a me that is dying, dead? But that doesn't change the sadness, at all.

I'm really fighting against the universe. it wants me to start over, and i wouldn't. i wouldn't give up those things on my own. i needed a push, but this was not what i expected.

i'm just crying. i can't believe it....and still this happens right before finals. i am clearly cursed at this point.

So i prayed the at the church of gaga today

So i prayed to lady gaga today. And i really mean it. Of course i obsess over her in that way of loving beats, fashion, dancing, and such. Loving her in a queer way, obvi. Loving her because every single song reminds me of my bestfriends as we all found the album at the same time. No, it's because she truely inspires my writing creativity. She helps me express myself, she helps me tell my story better. every time i tell it.

It might be stupid and, "not creative" to some people, but i always write renditions of her songs. This time i choose "Teeth".

it's more like a free write/poem. but i could sing it to you. it sounds like teeth, obvi, but sounds a lot diff actually.


Show me you teeth.
Show me your pride. Wear it outside. And let the rain wash it down the pipeline.
Show me your demons
Let them come and play
Let them walk all over me since that’s what you do anyway. Why change the game? Show me your game
Wear your insides out – give us a boost, I'll help you bloody eagle, scout
Give me your visions so I know whose gonna die
Show me your honor, give me a surprise
Show me a lot more than good old American pie – before you catch my eye, show me your teeth.
 - thats it so far.

it felt so good to feel good just now. and lady gaga always makes me feel a little less pain in the world.