(red) RED one

 Red is all i have been thinking about lately. 

this is interesting because...

- i am an aries. red IS my color. astrologically.

- i recently watched the movie "Rose Red" all the way through for the FIRST time

- i fell in love with the movie 'lust, caution' which was set in Japanese occupied china  - china during ww2 combined with the general direction of Chinese fashion, architecture, art etc = a lot of red. And to be really real, the mere mention of china, due to our so sweet racist society, immediately conjures up the color red. in my mind, and in anyone else's - whether you want to admit it or not.

- i almost lost my shit in Barnes and Noble when i realized "the rose" was on sale for $9 - i only had a gift card to best buy and i am in love with bette middler movies.

- the lighter i use on a daily basis suddenly became red - i thought i was using the yellow one ,but one day it just switched.

- my main drink of choice right now is cran-apple juice

- ive been in a horror film mood, and so ive seen lots of blood

- all my currently favorite lady gaga fashion is red

-...and i have been craving a candy apple, deliberately ignoring the fact that it could take my teeth out

This show was simply described as "...basically trinidads version of The O.C."

Reeeealllly? Version? That suggests the o.c. has some kind of original plot - it does not.

plot: a boy from the wrong side of the tracks meets the right person at the right time. and because he's the poor kid with a heart of gold they take him in. the boy goes from rags to riches - all the while struggling with his newly fine tuned moral compass. He experiences pains, joys , love, and loss - coming out the other end a more balanced individual who learned the meaning of life discovered that "rich" people have problems too? heard it a million times.

its funny, that show is set in California and conveniently all the racialized, homeless, and underprivileged people are no where to be found....

really, when is the nationalism and arrogance going to take a rest?

7:29

i feel my arms drop at this time.
i look for listening, and listen for looks but nothing comes vomiting up
i need communication, but i cant use a phone. or a boat. or a plane. or my tounge.

drawless. breathless. backless. i wait.
somehow i feel weighted bodies hovering me, but there is nothing to see. Just "BITCH" in huge letters over my bed. Just " BITCH"

i remember the last hug and kiss, like there were never fleeting.
like they sewed their way into my eyebrows so that i would be raised and opened at the thought of you.
and carefully, carefully now...i tip toe
as if someone is home.

'And i never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the head
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

You cant carry it with you if you want to survive' [florence and the machine]

this album, 'Lungs' cd's 1 and 2 are owning me right now.

Goblin

people would rather have ashes than sunlight.
yes, they talk about love, but they eat it alive

what love is there in stomping? grating? or filleting the soul of a woman?
no, no tell me. im curious.

I must be blind if i can't see how that is saving women. your slimy hands and lies. how much do they resist when you force them down? is there any screaming? is there a face like stone?

And what about her, then? You claim there were only two, but i know there were more. Actions are NOT bigger than words. And your words lured them to your room, opened their pants, and asked them to moan.

Don't go thinking that without a gun to her head. without a knife between her legs. or without a dick between yours that you're innocent. that you have wings. or that you have immunity.

Tell me, did any of them bleed? or cry. Did any of them ask to leave, roll over afterward? Was she catatonic?

From where i grow you're a murderer. of safety. of friendship. of trust.

Ya, you'd rather eat people alive. You'd rather burn them to ashes and scatter them in your bed sheets.
...and close the blinds.

2.5 years of my life

I have destroyed our life -Its gone. Payback is sick -its all my fault

I'm dancing with tears in my eyes, Just fighting To get through the night
I'm losing it (losing it) (losing it).With every move i die
I'm faded, I'm broken inside. I've wasted the love of my life
I'm losing it(losing it)(losing it)

well hello, Ke$ha... (so glad i came out the other side, but i'm grateful for a song that i can loose it too when things start to rehash themselves)

And now the party's over, and everybodys gone

Okay, so wow. First of all its 550 am. Once again NO SLEEP! Well i slept, but i never wake at a 'normal' hour or get the 'normal' amount of sleep. shitty.

But i am in disbelief right now. People are just so funny. All you can/should so is laugh when you find yourself in positions of discomfort. I am holding it together pretty nicely. Like, REALLY well. Sometimes you can only be pushed....until you can't.

the snow here has been so perfectly placed. the snow, as it turns out feeds me in a serious way. It makes me forget how i feel here, on earth, in newmarket, in the eyes of others. it makes me remember that we're small and so easily blanketed. i appreciate the feeling of smallness at times. I know that right now i am doing a lot of dangerous things - emotionally. Things that i have been advised against OVER and OVER. But it is not in my nature to listen. i have a hard time taking advice. i don't want to hinder any pain i may feel, because that pain could be my release. it could be the pain the guides me a-w-a-y from destruction. ill take that.

I saw something that disturbed me yesterday. and i cant stop thinking about it. it seems now the effect is on me. Just beginning to talk about it is making me see red on the screen. im not angry, but FUUUUUUUCK!

saying anymore would make me explode so - next topic?

oh, i saw my BEST Richie yesterday. he surprised me and stopped by. There is no on else in the world i love like i love that boy. he is absolutely wonderful. and mindful of me and my feelings. rare.rare. breed....of human. not man. He's coming by to take me to lunch on wednesday and im so excited.

i want to focus on the LOVE in my life. i want to able to knowledge it, eat it, swallow it, ingest it. I want to put all my energy there, and so i will.


i have been so weird, disturbed, rejected, and burned lately, but luckily I've been finding smiles - out in the snow.