better go and get your armor

So i feel like i can be honest here, because i trust the people reading it. Things have been going well lately. I'm definitely moving away from being DEEPLY depressed for the first time in two yrs. So that's obviously a plus. But today, today i feel very angry. I know this kind of thing comes and goes with the loss of a relationship or any kind, but i HATE feeling like this.

My feelings fluctuate between wishing i could get in a time machine, wishing it NEVER happened, and wishing i could explode without restraint.

The thing is, people REALLY don't understand where my violence and anger come from. For me, and where im from (culturally and regionally) some things are worth fighting over. Some disrespect is too much. & really, the judgment of that reaction to life is a greater judgment than people realize. The most obvious is a judgment on race and class.

i feel trapped. like im not supposed to talk about it. i love Miranda, and would never want us to have to break-up. And i certainly don't wish we never found each other, it's just the cost. it was so large. and i wonder how much i was ignoring the facts.  By that i mean, why did i trust anyone to understand? Even though i have been told time and time again, by different people, that what happened over the past two yrs has NOTHING to do with me and Miranda dating (ya....right), i disagree. That is the origin. Before that i was loved, one of the token black girls. Back then people were intrigued by my passion,anger, and upfront attitude. Suddenly now, and conveniently, im just a brutish bully. K, im the bully but im the one who had to leave and org and go into hiding because of so much back talking, judgments, and bullshit. sure. ok. ya.

And when i get like this, this is when i can hear certain ppls voices. like hers, telling me not to "play victim" and to "stop complaining because i wasn't really traumatized". i HEAR that so clearly whenever i get mad or sad. I hear ppl telling me that im overracting and being delusional. Truthfully, now in my life i can't tell when someonthing is worth fighting for/over anymore. I'm worried that all of my behaviors bring me down, because according to marie and jen they do/have. I'm stuck feeling like i have no history, no experiences, no nothing that matters to anyone, not even me. I don't even believe me sometimes. I'm often kicking myself in the ass and trying to 'get over' things without dealing with them.

Just writing this, expressing myself, makes me feel like a victim. a pathetic victim. but thats just it, i cant forget.

On the boundary...

i continue to find love and happiness in the most obvious places <3

Ava Fields, RP. (resident punching bag)

So last night/this morning i discovered who the spy is that has been feeding the monster lately. I suspect that without this spy i would have been ok these past months. Instead, because of ego and wanting to prove oneself this person spied on me for info. Now i wonder, was any of this "spying" embellished by the time it got to jim jones and co. OR was it just blown out of proportion? Or, finally, was my right to privacy violated for the sake of someone elses ego? DING! We have a winner, the thought that someone has been all along violating the privacy i THOUGHT i had with my own bestfriend is irritating. Also what i say to my friends is not jim jones business or his crew, so why the interest? When you look for the negative in people you will find it, when you look for mistakes they will be there. Some would call it coincidence, i call it setting someone up. Yup, thats right, spying on someone through a space where they assume they are safe to process emotions is the most disrespectful thing i have ever experienced, and thats saying a lot given the past 2 yrs.

WHAT ARE MY FUCKING RIGHTS? As a woman, as a black woman, a woman of size, as a woman in pain? This situation make me see that i have very few in this community, with these certain people and i hope the spying stops now...or ill make it stop.

but hey jim jones says jump, they drink the kool aid.

my moon, my girl

....my moon makes SO much sense.

Moon is in 20 Degrees Pisces.
You have strong feelings and are extremely sensitive. It would help if you had a thicker skin -- you tend to react emotionally to every situation you come across. Kind, gentle and considerate of the feelings of others, you are good at taking care of the sick, wounded and helpless. But you tend to absorb the energy of others -- so avoid those who are always negative. You have a rich, creative and lively imagination, but you should be careful not to spend all your time daydreaming. Very intuitive, you have good ESP and may be quite clairvoyant or psychic. Remember that you too have the right to get what you want from life. If you are always defensive and kowtowing to others, people will take advantage of you and exploit you.

does that make me a sinner? no, a scientist.

Miranda and i have been playing music together now for months. Maybe going on about 5 months. Sometimes we go to best buy and she plays the electric drums while i play like 800 rounds of wii. hahaha. Then sometimes we go into the practice rooms and mess around with the base guitars. & we try to write songs. I sing, comfortably. But i can only sing for Miranda and even thats hard sometimes. I want to be able to sing anytime, anyplace, i want to feel proud of my talent. And for me pride, when it's not keeping me from doing something, is completely unattainable.

i miss cathy and becca. They're away on a journey which i can't wait to hear about. They'll be back soon, im just antsy. I can't wait to take that kind of journey with miranda. By fall of 2010 we will be far away from here and i am so excited for that. Maybe cali, maybe NY. My best, john,is moving to brooklyn in about a month. He just sprung this on me yesterday at coffee. Stunned, but happy for him. Now i have somewhere to stay when things get rough. & im just happy for my friends. We all need to get out of here.

I think i closed to the door on all the negativity in my life. I can't make people love me and even more important i can't say i love them when im really just afraid of the end. Animotion said it best " I’ve been calling it love. Because i want u to stay. Calling it love, Say you’ll stay. Calling it love Cause i’m too scared to say....Let’s call it a day" - reallllygood 80's song. HUGE power ballad. download it, now!


gotta eat and do tarrot. plus, im writing today on "the serpent and the rainbow".

"don't bury me, im not dead!" - oh bill pullman, what a famous line :)

Classical

I ask because im speechless
I ask you to move your hands
Up, Up, Up
Above my eyebrows
Not beneath my under the pink
My stomach pressed against the cold piano keys
Silence
Except, i think
im playing Mozart.

im a noisey little creep

What a shame we all became, such fragile broken things,
A memory remains, Just a tiny spark,
I give it all my oxygen, to let the flames begin,
So let the flames begin,

Ohhhh Glory.... Ohh Glory!

This is, how we'll dance when,
when they try to take us down,
This is what we'll be ohh glory.

Somewhere weakness is our strength,
And i'll die searching for it,
I can't let myself regret, such selfishness,
My pain I know the trouble caused, no matter how long,
I believe that there's hope,

buried beneath it all, and,
hiding beneath it all and,
growing beneath it all and...

This is, how we'll dance when,
when they try to take us down,
This is how we'll sing out...
This is, how we'll stand when,
when they burn our houses down,
This is what we'll be Oh Glory!

Reaching as I sink down into life.
Reaching as I sink down into life.

This is, how we dance when,
when they try to take us down,
This is how we'll sing out.
This is, how we'll stand when,
when they burn our houses down,
This is what we'll be Oh Glory!

- Paramore ( from their album 'Riot!', 2007)