does that make me a sinner? no, a scientist.

Miranda and i have been playing music together now for months. Maybe going on about 5 months. Sometimes we go to best buy and she plays the electric drums while i play like 800 rounds of wii. hahaha. Then sometimes we go into the practice rooms and mess around with the base guitars. & we try to write songs. I sing, comfortably. But i can only sing for Miranda and even thats hard sometimes. I want to be able to sing anytime, anyplace, i want to feel proud of my talent. And for me pride, when it's not keeping me from doing something, is completely unattainable.

i miss cathy and becca. They're away on a journey which i can't wait to hear about. They'll be back soon, im just antsy. I can't wait to take that kind of journey with miranda. By fall of 2010 we will be far away from here and i am so excited for that. Maybe cali, maybe NY. My best, john,is moving to brooklyn in about a month. He just sprung this on me yesterday at coffee. Stunned, but happy for him. Now i have somewhere to stay when things get rough. & im just happy for my friends. We all need to get out of here.

I think i closed to the door on all the negativity in my life. I can't make people love me and even more important i can't say i love them when im really just afraid of the end. Animotion said it best " I’ve been calling it love. Because i want u to stay. Calling it love, Say you’ll stay. Calling it love Cause i’m too scared to say....Let’s call it a day" - reallllygood 80's song. HUGE power ballad. download it, now!


gotta eat and do tarrot. plus, im writing today on "the serpent and the rainbow".

"don't bury me, im not dead!" - oh bill pullman, what a famous line :)

Classical

I ask because im speechless
I ask you to move your hands
Up, Up, Up
Above my eyebrows
Not beneath my under the pink
My stomach pressed against the cold piano keys
Silence
Except, i think
im playing Mozart.

im a noisey little creep

What a shame we all became, such fragile broken things,
A memory remains, Just a tiny spark,
I give it all my oxygen, to let the flames begin,
So let the flames begin,

Ohhhh Glory.... Ohh Glory!

This is, how we'll dance when,
when they try to take us down,
This is what we'll be ohh glory.

Somewhere weakness is our strength,
And i'll die searching for it,
I can't let myself regret, such selfishness,
My pain I know the trouble caused, no matter how long,
I believe that there's hope,

buried beneath it all, and,
hiding beneath it all and,
growing beneath it all and...

This is, how we'll dance when,
when they try to take us down,
This is how we'll sing out...
This is, how we'll stand when,
when they burn our houses down,
This is what we'll be Oh Glory!

Reaching as I sink down into life.
Reaching as I sink down into life.

This is, how we dance when,
when they try to take us down,
This is how we'll sing out.
This is, how we'll stand when,
when they burn our houses down,
This is what we'll be Oh Glory!

- Paramore ( from their album 'Riot!', 2007)

will you accept?

Feeling very open and honest today. i want to kill tenstion. I've made some shitty mistakes in life, like everyone else, but i am confident that i can pull through. my intentions are good, but intent vs impact is tricky.

i am changing. slowly. gradually. and i can only hope those who actually care for me will hold out :)

much love, and keep reading.


p.s. i want so badly to right all my wrongs. seems like every time i try i ruin it. I'm hoping for another chance, but am comfortable accepting i may never get one.

we are the people thats come here to play

been obsessed with oz lately. But not just the wizard of oz. or oz like the emerald city. but 'oz' like the HBO show.

for thoes who may not understand WHY or HOW i could like a show like that just remember this: you don't own me :)

dear sweet funny urning brenda.

she gave up her woman down at the alter
and if she were "someone" i think you'd cry for her
and tracey was asking if we were her brothers
but we all said no.

tracey swore she'd take me to bed
but i buckled my belt where she combed the edge
she spoke of the church bells like they were the sin
calling the boys to get their appetites in.

and it pains me to figure i was never safe
being backhanded, a lasso around my waist
she strung me up and showed me around
so everyone would know she was 'down'.

and if she were my alice, i'd cut off her head.

ants in the underwear

I'm ready to move away.

Atlanta? California? New york? or New jersey? Coincidentally all places where they have taped the real housewives. oh ava, obsessed fan much? And i really am a fan. Im mostly a fan of ATL and New york. ATL is amazing because it showcases something that white america deliberatly tried to aviod - - wealth black men and women. welathy, not rich! Allen iverson is rich, the man who signs his paycheck is wealthy. see what im saying? There is nothing more refreshing then knowing that black americans can employ wealth, and keep in the family as white settlers have done for yrs. Hence there is an extreme divide between money in white communities and money in black communities. The bottom line is white people had a 400 yr start on acrewing wealth.

I'm headed to cambridge tonight with cathy, becca, and miranda to see meagan! so exciting. I love car rides and road trips. I made a really good mix playlist of everything i like. I trust myself with music. My taste is pheonmenal - - in all things media. I'm lucky that way.

Ugh. soo hot. summer came too late. & in just a few days i will be learning chinese. dig that.