Now just come and love me like we're gonna die...

So many things ARE right now. I have lots of feelings. Lots.

That weird feeling, where it literally feels like your heart sunk into your stomach.  I feel like an ass hole. I feel like a fool - every time my trust is broken.

BUT i know the words "...guilt is a useless emotion" its pathetic and it doesn't solve anything. blah blah blah, well neither does ignoring it.

I have been feeling stronger lately. Those hateful feelings I've had for myself over the last 3 years is slowly fading. But not quick enough. Not when your life is a minefield of reminders that you were thrown away. Ah, yes, dispose of the black girl. she is a waste of our time. TRUTH!

i am getting terrified that the trauma is too deep. And i know that most would tell me to get over it, but then most people didnt wake up one day to find ppl ignoring them, talking shit in front and behind their backs, or people using their race to degrade them. Ya, when you go from having/trusting a group of women to being destroyed by their thinking, scheming, plotting, and destruction...we can talk. It's buried, but every now and then i see something that reminds me of that time and my wounds are completely reopened. i remember every word that was said, every glare, everything. i remember everything.

I LOST EVERYTHING! i didn't have a choice. i had to rebuild my whole fucking life because of that shit. And so forgive me, but i do not think its fair you didn't experience the same. I love how now that a few years have gone by suddenly everyones matured and almost wants to forget the past, ignore, and move on. I CANT fucking move on. My life was turned upside down. My sexual behaviors and preferences were on display. for ANYONE to judge.And now everyone wants peace? Well fuck you! i didn't get peace! 

But of course, as this usually goes for black women - - when you want to defend yourself, later or right then its considered childish and violent. When a blk women comes to defend herself she is taunted, and reminded of the things that were said before. Her enemies come with soft almost condescending tones that say things like "i wish you the best" and "i hope we can move past this with a clean slate" and "Lets just move on". I HATE those. It's a cop out. Translation: "i don't think i did anything wrong to you. you acted like a brute. i was defending myself - and i know you can control your primitive rage, but try. I've grown so much since overturning your life and i am no longer that person, so you cant blame me for what happened to you. lets just like it go--"

i guess i need more time...

Freedom, baby, is never having to say you're sorry

I watched 'the devils advocate' a few times this week. I was/am mesmerized by Charlize's performance as supportive wife turned mental mess. 

I saw so much of my own experience in this movie - in her. Her character had supported herself financially all her life, even after she married a promising up and coming lawyer. A lawyer who makes it his business to NEVER loose a case.  And whats interesting is upon first meeting the character of Marianne is that she is indifferent - specifically indifferent to the opening case of the film. A young girl accuses her math teacher of touching her inappropriately and even knowing his clients guilt Kevin tears the girl apart on the stand. Suggesting she made up the stories to cover up her other sexual conduct and hatred for a man who came down on her with an iron fist. After watching this outburst Marianne leans slightly into the close up of Kevin and simply says "pack it up baby, you need a drink".

We're almost introduced to Marianne as the opposite of the girl on the stand. She is not a liar, or needy, she doesn't need to lie for attention or sex. She is 'different' and we are SUPPOSED to see her as such. She's a down home sweet southern woman with a little kick and a lot of patients. And without question or reason she follows Kevin all the way to new york when he is offered an illusive job at the best law firm in the nation. She goes with him, blindly, uprooting her identity, dreams, and own hopes for the future. Suddenly she is plunged into a life of...well...excess.

And not just excess, but corruption. Not that there isn't corruption everywhere, but this is a MOVIE! and in THIS movie they constantly refer to NY as Babylon (hehehe, this Bostonian finds this amusing).

Once they get to NY Marianne is obviously the one out of place. She doesn't look chic or 5th ave - she looks like a working woman, maybe middle class, simple, plain....un-spoiled?This concept of being "un-spoiled" is laced throughout the film. For one thing...sex. Marianne's sexual behaviors, wants, desires, and acts are constantly being brought into the light, whether buried or not.

1. she is infertile. Not right from the start. She is quoted saying "[about Kevins mother] maybe i should give her some grand-kids so she'll leave me alone." But by the time they have been in NY for a while, she sees a doctor who tells her she has non specific ovarian failure.  And she has this out of body experience, where she sees herself leaving her body. IN her swank NY apt, that she "shares" with kevin, when he's around. She heards someone in her home and gets a knife to protect herself. When she finally sees whats what it is a baby boy sitting on the floor of her apt, who seems to be playing with something. Upon inspection she sees the child is playing with innards, human innards. She looks down and sees blood all over her WHITE nightgown - from here on out, she is infertile.

2. Al pacino's character rapes her, although its never shown. Kevin finds her naked, wrapped in a blanket in a near by church. When she says she was raped Kevin doesn't believe her because al pacino was in court with him all day (obvi at this point he doesnt know al pacino is supernatural).

3. When Kevin and her are having sex in their apt, he sees a woman from his office instead of his wife. A woman he fantasizes about. She is more sexually "experienced" - basically what men think of porn stars. Like " oh ya,she'll do anything i like. she likes it rough, tough, anywhere and everywhere. I can do whatever i want with her" kinda attitude - but the reality is he's with his wife and when she begins to feel his change we get amazing shots over kevins shoulder of marianne looking disgusted uttering "STOP!" and the woman from the office "enjoying" every moment of it. Another chance for the audience to realize marianne is constantly being separated from every other woman on screen.

But he doesn't take care of her, she continues to become more and more isolated. She continues to becoming more and more alone, despondent, and afraid. Until finally kevin admits her to a psychiatric hospital ( nd this triggers me, as it brings up my memories, of hospitals, strip searches, and forced meds...) when she slits her throat with a piece of broken mirror glass.

i feel so much for her, all the way through, but not more than when she kills herself. it is not pity or sadness i feel, but closeness. like i know the moment she was in, the room even looked similar to one I've seen before.

(red) RED one

 Red is all i have been thinking about lately. 

this is interesting because...

- i am an aries. red IS my color. astrologically.

- i recently watched the movie "Rose Red" all the way through for the FIRST time

- i fell in love with the movie 'lust, caution' which was set in Japanese occupied china  - china during ww2 combined with the general direction of Chinese fashion, architecture, art etc = a lot of red. And to be really real, the mere mention of china, due to our so sweet racist society, immediately conjures up the color red. in my mind, and in anyone else's - whether you want to admit it or not.

- i almost lost my shit in Barnes and Noble when i realized "the rose" was on sale for $9 - i only had a gift card to best buy and i am in love with bette middler movies.

- the lighter i use on a daily basis suddenly became red - i thought i was using the yellow one ,but one day it just switched.

- my main drink of choice right now is cran-apple juice

- ive been in a horror film mood, and so ive seen lots of blood

- all my currently favorite lady gaga fashion is red

-...and i have been craving a candy apple, deliberately ignoring the fact that it could take my teeth out

This show was simply described as "...basically trinidads version of The O.C."

Reeeealllly? Version? That suggests the o.c. has some kind of original plot - it does not.

plot: a boy from the wrong side of the tracks meets the right person at the right time. and because he's the poor kid with a heart of gold they take him in. the boy goes from rags to riches - all the while struggling with his newly fine tuned moral compass. He experiences pains, joys , love, and loss - coming out the other end a more balanced individual who learned the meaning of life discovered that "rich" people have problems too? heard it a million times.

its funny, that show is set in California and conveniently all the racialized, homeless, and underprivileged people are no where to be found....

really, when is the nationalism and arrogance going to take a rest?

7:29

i feel my arms drop at this time.
i look for listening, and listen for looks but nothing comes vomiting up
i need communication, but i cant use a phone. or a boat. or a plane. or my tounge.

drawless. breathless. backless. i wait.
somehow i feel weighted bodies hovering me, but there is nothing to see. Just "BITCH" in huge letters over my bed. Just " BITCH"

i remember the last hug and kiss, like there were never fleeting.
like they sewed their way into my eyebrows so that i would be raised and opened at the thought of you.
and carefully, carefully now...i tip toe
as if someone is home.

'And i never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the head
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

You cant carry it with you if you want to survive' [florence and the machine]

this album, 'Lungs' cd's 1 and 2 are owning me right now.

Goblin

people would rather have ashes than sunlight.
yes, they talk about love, but they eat it alive

what love is there in stomping? grating? or filleting the soul of a woman?
no, no tell me. im curious.

I must be blind if i can't see how that is saving women. your slimy hands and lies. how much do they resist when you force them down? is there any screaming? is there a face like stone?

And what about her, then? You claim there were only two, but i know there were more. Actions are NOT bigger than words. And your words lured them to your room, opened their pants, and asked them to moan.

Don't go thinking that without a gun to her head. without a knife between her legs. or without a dick between yours that you're innocent. that you have wings. or that you have immunity.

Tell me, did any of them bleed? or cry. Did any of them ask to leave, roll over afterward? Was she catatonic?

From where i grow you're a murderer. of safety. of friendship. of trust.

Ya, you'd rather eat people alive. You'd rather burn them to ashes and scatter them in your bed sheets.
...and close the blinds.