meet me in the back, with the jack, by the jukebox

So i woke up this morning to a MAJOR snow storm. The irony of the world being covered in whiteness on MARTIN LUTHER KING'S birthday is much.

Anyways, it seemed like a Ke$ha kind morning, so i whipped out 'Animal'.brilliance.

I think today will be productive. I plan on writing, something. Maybe a section of a play. Who knows. I also plan to watch countless horror movies, download music, and relax with the roomies. Oliv is going up to Kams tomorrow so ill be alone for a few days :( Whatever, at least i know EVERY day Miranda comes home to me. It's the best.

OH! Also, i cant wait till thurs when i head to NY for our group reunion!!!!! xoxoxoxox.

As the lady gaga says 'so happy i could die....and its alright.'

fucking misses Dalloway...

I hate always planning things because everyone else is to lazy and self obsessed to do so. its making me sick, and making me wish i knew no one.

I look at myself in the mirror and try to think of ways to disappear. its hard. i want to, FIX it. Whatever this thing is that makes me less than human. i am the real selfish one.

three things i NEVER want to hear again because they're seriously counterproductive:

1.well your life could be worse. < - shut the fuck up. thats like telling someone their pain isnt real or worth grieving over, and if you believe that i worry for you

2. Why don't you just... <- making change seem easy and readily accessible. fuck you.

3. It happens to everyone... < - ya maybe it does, but personal circumstances can make what feels like a routine lot in life VERY painful. do your fucking social observations and grow up.

AMERICA. your positive talk makes me want to barf. kill. and slap you.

But me, icant stand to look at myself. all the mistakes. They'll never go away. i know i should not feel bad about my life because [so many others have it way worse].and besides i need to be punished, put in my place.

i have gone so far out of line.

I think about how i am constantly feeling disconnected.Im in the world,but im trapped in my mind.

If i didnt believe in punishments, i dont know where i would be.

MADHOUSE

Without Rihannas new album i would not even be floating right now.

it's brave. and scortching.

Russian Roultette? already been played.

No ava, NO WAY!

My computer crashed this week. I have been devastated by losing all my writing. that alone has been keeping me sad. So i THOUGHT i saved all my writing to my external hard drive, but oh no! nothing! i lost all my writing. my whole life. i feel like my heart is broken! I feel like something was taken from me. I will never get those words back. And all my play writing........gone. Things Ive been writing since i was 9 yrs old. I'm so upset i cant even think about my finals, or the fact that i have no money for rent. This is so inconvenient and horrible. My stomach is turning.

HOW could i have been so irresponsible? I hear my mothers voice, but my own as well. - wondering how i could be so careless. im usually smarter than that, but this just proves my absent mindedness....if i don't care to save my own writing who the fuck will care to read it?

Over. I have to start all over. and in a split second i think maybe this is good. rebirth? Am i not meant to have those words anymore? are they part of a me that is dying, dead? But that doesn't change the sadness, at all.

I'm really fighting against the universe. it wants me to start over, and i wouldn't. i wouldn't give up those things on my own. i needed a push, but this was not what i expected.

i'm just crying. i can't believe it....and still this happens right before finals. i am clearly cursed at this point.

So i prayed the at the church of gaga today

So i prayed to lady gaga today. And i really mean it. Of course i obsess over her in that way of loving beats, fashion, dancing, and such. Loving her in a queer way, obvi. Loving her because every single song reminds me of my bestfriends as we all found the album at the same time. No, it's because she truely inspires my writing creativity. She helps me express myself, she helps me tell my story better. every time i tell it.

It might be stupid and, "not creative" to some people, but i always write renditions of her songs. This time i choose "Teeth".

it's more like a free write/poem. but i could sing it to you. it sounds like teeth, obvi, but sounds a lot diff actually.


Show me you teeth.
Show me your pride. Wear it outside. And let the rain wash it down the pipeline.
Show me your demons
Let them come and play
Let them walk all over me since that’s what you do anyway. Why change the game? Show me your game
Wear your insides out – give us a boost, I'll help you bloody eagle, scout
Give me your visions so I know whose gonna die
Show me your honor, give me a surprise
Show me a lot more than good old American pie – before you catch my eye, show me your teeth.
 - thats it so far.

it felt so good to feel good just now. and lady gaga always makes me feel a little less pain in the world.

if it isn't love...why do i feel this way?

Up again, same time, every morning like clockwork.

Everyday i loose more and more faith. Today, i lost faith in genunine care.

I'm not sure i want to travel when im like this. Miranda and i have about 2 weeks of solid travel ahead of us and of course i was excited. But now, now i just want to be alone. I can't even wash the dishes without breaking into tears. And i mean you can't take that with you everywhere, eventually people can't talk about it anymore. you can't talk about it anymore. Some have said i am SO SO sick, and i know it. niice. But really, its not bad that it was said, but it wasn't okay that it was made a joke. Or not even a joke, just used to make me feel less than, beneath. How can you help someone when all you want to do is make them feel feeble, weak, and disillusion? I'm sure someone will tell me someday

"Acceptance should never be mistaken for surrendering to or not caring about something. It means learning to appreciate what is given, rather than what is missing. Instead of resisting what we don’t like, acknowledge it in a new way." - Aina J

...but i cant get that. I understand that concept, but i think it's lost on a lot of other people. I do not believe i have been or could be truely accepted. No. no no. Im way too much of a bully, spiteful, hurtful bitch. And for that i don't want ANYTHING to do with ANYONE. It's weird how that happens, how one day you wake up just wanting out. Like you'd rather be dead then know how people really feel about me, how they talk, how the conspire. You'd rather be lifted to another universe where you know no one and no one knows you.

Sometimes i wish ross would come back. Thats when i know im at my lowest, when i wish for my rapist/boyfriend to come back and teach me a lesson. He was the only one that could you know, teach me how to behave. And maybe if i'd listened and learned better i wouldn't be fighting against this image thats been set up for me. I would have learned that white people always win. They make the rules, they break them. They tell you when trust is broken, fixable, or out of the picture. They tell you what trust means, and you must accept that. They call the shots. They tell when something is over, beginning, deserves a second chance, or can rot in the ground. They tell you when you're being inappropriate. There is no defense against this because they know they will always be right. They know that at the end of the day they can live in their whiteness knowing everyone will believe them, always forgive them, and always give them a second chance. I don't know whats its like to get a second chance. Because once i fuck up - its forever. All my accomplishments, goals, dreams, aspirations, everything....gone. All because someone said so.

I think im still allowed to process my feelings tho, as far as i know. So i will. And they are dangerous, like knives.

my usual self

So today i woke up at 5 am like every morning since.

But i haven't been able to write either. or say. i don't know how to do either anymore. I'm very cautious - in the midst of knowing how bad i can be. It seems like i make mistake after mistake. Like i can't change. And maybe everyone's onto something about me. I wouldn't doubt that, how nice of a person can a black woman be?

I did it, i broke every rule. But in all fairness i didn't know some of them were there. But that doesn't excuse breaking them.

Something happened, something snapped in my recently. No sleep. i  can't sleep. I can't hug or stand the sound of my own voice. I can't eat...wont eat.

Right now, i hate being black. it is killing me. it is too easy to use it against me, and it doesn't matter if it was 5 years ago or 5 mins ago the impact is endless. i just feel guilty and helpless. i feel responsible.  i feel broken, like i just can't be fixed or something. And i don't even know whats wrong.

I want to stay away. i want to go away. i dont want to tell anyone i love them or care for them because that love, that care is like poison. It seems to do no good that i love someone, i loved my dad, and he died without even saying goodbye.

i hear everyone SCREAMING " theres the door, get the fuck out of the door!". ive been told many times by many different people that self hatred is not productive, but when all you get from people is negative feedback, what do you feed yourself?
 
I'm at the point where i don't want friends. i'd like to give up, (weak, i know) but im not good at it. Would you ask someone to fly a plane that doesn't have a pilots license?

I'd rather have broken ribs, pain, cuts, bruises, my mom not believing in me, being called a monster, actually being one, have people hate me, an overdose, or whatever. I'm not comfortable with who I've become. I used to be so obedient, then i came to college and realized i didn't have to be. only to, in the end, be punished for not being obedient. i fucked up, everyone knows no one likes you unless you keep the peace. tell lies. lie to yourself, and kiss ass. and i , i thought i was above it and now look at me. it happens i guess...

this is not about anyone else. this is about how i see me. as brought to me by them. i can already see the displeasing looks, gawks, and stares at the screen. no one likes someone honest enough to say they hate themselves. that kind of rawness is disarming.

a mistake is forever. it can't be undone. not by me or anyone else. it will always be there, reminding me that i have no clue how to make choices.

but what happened to me? what snapped? somewhere someone is smiling. & rightfully so.