my usual self

So today i woke up at 5 am like every morning since.

But i haven't been able to write either. or say. i don't know how to do either anymore. I'm very cautious - in the midst of knowing how bad i can be. It seems like i make mistake after mistake. Like i can't change. And maybe everyone's onto something about me. I wouldn't doubt that, how nice of a person can a black woman be?

I did it, i broke every rule. But in all fairness i didn't know some of them were there. But that doesn't excuse breaking them.

Something happened, something snapped in my recently. No sleep. i  can't sleep. I can't hug or stand the sound of my own voice. I can't eat...wont eat.

Right now, i hate being black. it is killing me. it is too easy to use it against me, and it doesn't matter if it was 5 years ago or 5 mins ago the impact is endless. i just feel guilty and helpless. i feel responsible.  i feel broken, like i just can't be fixed or something. And i don't even know whats wrong.

I want to stay away. i want to go away. i dont want to tell anyone i love them or care for them because that love, that care is like poison. It seems to do no good that i love someone, i loved my dad, and he died without even saying goodbye.

i hear everyone SCREAMING " theres the door, get the fuck out of the door!". ive been told many times by many different people that self hatred is not productive, but when all you get from people is negative feedback, what do you feed yourself?
 
I'm at the point where i don't want friends. i'd like to give up, (weak, i know) but im not good at it. Would you ask someone to fly a plane that doesn't have a pilots license?

I'd rather have broken ribs, pain, cuts, bruises, my mom not believing in me, being called a monster, actually being one, have people hate me, an overdose, or whatever. I'm not comfortable with who I've become. I used to be so obedient, then i came to college and realized i didn't have to be. only to, in the end, be punished for not being obedient. i fucked up, everyone knows no one likes you unless you keep the peace. tell lies. lie to yourself, and kiss ass. and i , i thought i was above it and now look at me. it happens i guess...

this is not about anyone else. this is about how i see me. as brought to me by them. i can already see the displeasing looks, gawks, and stares at the screen. no one likes someone honest enough to say they hate themselves. that kind of rawness is disarming.

a mistake is forever. it can't be undone. not by me or anyone else. it will always be there, reminding me that i have no clue how to make choices.

but what happened to me? what snapped? somewhere someone is smiling. & rightfully so.

A convo between me and olivia

Olivia (my bestfrined and rommate) and i were watching kitchen nightmares on BBC america.

The chef/owner was ridiculous. He was lazy, irrational, and verbally abusive to the staff. He was also a 'part time actor' which we all know doesn't exist. You're either trying to become and actor or you already are one. No in betweeens. Anyways this guy would be hanging out and drinking on the job while his ENTIRELY female staff were working their asses off explaining his crazy menu. This menu had about 23 flavor combinations that you could add to either shrimp, ny strip, chick, or mushrooms. - there was also like 4 more pages of menu that i don't recall.

So then the owners wife comes in and he describes how she makes more money than him and invested $300,000 in his business, thats is failing miserably. He then says " boy, im glad she makes good money." This is where olivia and i came in

(All sarcastic)

Ava: wait. im pretty sure that if that was a woman who "borrow" $300,000 from her husband to open a hair salaon she would be considered a gold digger

Oliva: exactly, and no one would care about her "dream" because she's just a money grubbing whore

Ava: Right, and so the message here is women should totally support mens dreams if they can afford to. Thats called a good woman. Thats called a good wife. But god forbid a woman wants a man with money....

During the before and after

Characters: Andrea.Michelle.Daniel.Matthew.Dr. Kline

We open in the doctors office. Matthew, Daniel, Andrea, and Michelle are sitting four in a row. Dr. Kline is seated in front of them. He holds nothing in his hands and sits with his arms folded. He’s waiting for someone to speak. Finally Daniel speaks.


Daniel- my brother died. Did you know that?

Dr. Kline- yes.

Matthew- You idiot. Why else would we be here? Of course he knows. He knows everything. You know nothing. That’s part of the problem.

Michelle- no the problem is the way you belittle him Matthew.


Dr. Kline turns his attention to Andrea, who is sitting at the far end of the couch. Withdrawn from all the action. Daniel sinks back into his seat unable to speak

Dr Kline- Drea, what are you thinking?

Andrea- I’m thinking about how you get paid a lot of money to just sit here and ask meaningless questions. I’m thinking about Jonathan, and the first time he taught me to ride my bike.[pause] I was so afraid. But that didn’t matter to him. He still made me try it. I’m thinking about when I used to see him EVERYDAY, and how his bed is empty now. I’m thinking about…I don’t know. I’m not even sure why I am here.

Michelle- because you owe us something after all

Daniel- I think he was asking me a question.

Michelle and Matthew- shut up Daniel!

Andrea- Good. Keep talking to him like that it will really build his confidence.

Dr. Kline- Drea..

Daniel- An-drea…

Andrea- its okay Daniel, half a name for half a person. [pause, looks in michelles direction] isn’t that right michelle?


Michelle- Jonathan is dead. Can’t you pretend this is about him?

Andrea- but it’s not about Jonathan. It’s about you looking like the perfect sister. It’s always about you Michelle. Always.

Michelle- you selfish little bitch

Andrea- ah there’s the Michelle I know and love. Welcome back.


Scene 2.

Scene opens with Andrea sitting at the table drinking from a glass. Enter Michelle.

Michelle- are you just going to sit around for the rest of your life?

Andrea- Jonathan liked to sit around. This is the form my guilt is taking

Michelle- guilt?

Andrea- yes, I feel guilty my brother is dead.

Michelle- you didn’t kill him did you?

Andrea- I feel guilty I didn’t see, I didn’t know to help him

Michelle- well you had your own life

Andrea- unfortunately for me being self absorbed doesn’t feel good

Michelle- God mother really needs to take care of the funeral arrangements…

Andrea- Her son killed himself. Hung himself with the scarf she hand knitted for him 3 Christmases ago. (pause) try to find a place in yourself where you’re sympathetic. Or alive. Where you care.

Michelle- (rushing over to kneel in front of Andrea’s chair & looking her in the face) look at me…do you care?


Andrea- (looking straight ahead and then slowly looking down at michlle) that’s not fair. It doesn’t mean he deserved to die


Michelle- no, that’s not what I am saying. I am talking about care. My care for a brother like him is a little distorted. And I want you to understand that I can feel that. I am allowed that. He was a fucking ass hole.

9 kids, 4 daddys, whos the father? an exploration of Maury as a feminist tool.

Track 1 : Still

So Miranda and i were watching the maury show, which i do without fail every morning. All my life i have been perplexed about how people could not see television as "teach, mother, secret lover" - like homer says on simpsons? And there's your evidence that i'm obsessed with tv. Anyways it has always seemed limited, yet understandable, that shows like Maury are not considered feminist tool. And i do mean TOOL! I am in no way saying " ya totally lets all watch Maury mindlessly, eat bon bons, tell bedtime stories and forget about it." No i simply mean that Maurys daytime talk show really plays into my expansive feminist conscience. I try to learn and grow everyday, but i do not want to play around with that i learn.

Track 2 : Sister of Mercy

See the thing is , as a feminist, ( and i still call myself that because i am. trying to determine who is and isn't wastes time and looses lives) i do not believe in ignoring a subset of woman. Every woman in this worlds deserves to feel safe and protected.  There should be no limit on that. Every woman deserves to be spoken up for, no matter what you personally feel for/about them. I am critical of my community and myself but that does not negate my love for them. I am afraid however that something is being misused. Our abilities as feminists to feel the compassion, live the experience, not live the experience because it has been harmful to you or thoes around you,  should NOT be lost on a show like Maury. Truthfully, Maury obvi has both men and women on his shows. Typically the topics deal with cheating, paternity tests, porn addictions, sex with a partners family member, lie detector tests, and more topics that im sure are evading me at this moment. The point is the show does primarily focuses on women and women's plight. You do have men on the show, however, who're more concerned with weather or not the child is theirs because they need to make sure their legacy is secure. Which often lessons my sympathy for them, but that';s another post.

I think this show should be shown in ws classes, seminars, conference, grassroots meeting, institutionalized meetings and so on.  It is a TOOL of knowledge. How so? my audeience may be asking. Well the show is all about female confrontation (sure its skeptical that this 'confrontation' was brought about by a male host- but ill get to that later) within the scope reproduction. I watch as women come out on stage screaming and ,usually, crying throught the story of how they became pregnant and then had their babie denied by the potential father ( i only say potential because sometimes it turns out it was not that man who fathered the child, but i will delve deeper)

Totalitarianism: enter Taylor Swift

Look ok i get it: Kanye should not have done "that" to Taylor Swift (and i say "That" because i do not truly believe he did anything wrong) but the events at the country music awards PROVE that in this country black people are only as human as they are obedient to their position.

After Taylor COINCIDENTALLY won female vocalist, album, and entertainer of the year (might have gotten one of those wrong) she finished her speech by saying "..and i want to thank every person in this room for not running up on stage during the speech!" Now, this is the same girl who in NUMEROUS interviews said " Kanye called me to apologize, and i accepted. Everything's fine." To me that's just straight phony - i don't know how people can't see through her. They completely buy the wholesome young girl-power teen artist thing she gives off, and of course the 'country' artist thing also pretty much making her Americas fucking sweetheart. She's a regular girl " but she wears short skirts, and i wear t-shirts..." Now Taylor, i know your ass has a miniskirt. You also wear make-up, get your hair, nails, and skin treated. Are you SERIOUSLY trying to pass yourself off as innocent and low maintenance? Ha. ok.See, that kind of phoniness calls your character into question. And for me when your character is in question as a representative of america, women in america, and white women in america.... i have a problem.

oh and btw, why is that we as a country can excuse rape because 1 or two of the individuals were drunk, but when a black man drinks and bothers a helpless little white girl - there is no excuse?  And don't even act like we don't do that as a country! How else do you explain the overwhelming consistency of womens sexual histories and "party" habits being brought up in court, in the police station, or even at the scene? Or we excuse the man from his actions because obviously he couldn't "help himself" because of alcohol. or "he didn't know what he was doing, he was drunk, he's not really like that". Ya, explain that.

Speaking of her triumphence at the country music awards, Bessem and i were talking today and she helped me come to the a VERY telling conclusion. --->Many country music stars were reported to have said that they were upset with the young stars wins. It was their assertion that she "didn't put in the work" and by that i assume "the work" is being dedicated to and expanding upon and in the country music scene. Now, Kanye said the same thing as these people! A single black man takes a moment of raw and uninhibited emotion to storm the stage and say what he feels is immediately true regarding current events - while a group of seasoned artists quietly and strategically express their discontent in an interview. In private. Where things can OBVIOUSLY be manipulated. Now i ask you: who's REALLY being shady? Bottom line is both Kanye and numerous artists in the country music scene agree that Taylor swift is undeserving of pretty much every award given to her lately.

Speaking of, exactly how many awards are we going to give this girl? No amount of awards will cure the fact that he racism flared up when Kanye came to the stage. She was stunned, initially star stuck, until she realized the nigger wasn't there to kiss her feet and praise her beautiful porcelain skin. Basically she was appalled and shocked that Kanye ( who USED to fit nicely for white people with his affirmations that black women were gold diggers, and his clinging obsession to burberry) could, would, and did pass judgment on her ability to obtain the award. But seriously, Her video was NOT better than beyonce's and i don't even like b. But i know th truth. And the truth is Beyonce is a hardworking black woman who lost her award to a random 'country aritist' at an award show that is specifically for diverse music purposes.

Kanye is being punished for not kissing wp's ass and putting the work, dedication, and presence of black people before all else - - this is a heroic and (obvi) socially dangerous action but someones got to do it. As for as im concerned Kanye is a radical dude when needed. This is also the same man that randomly uttered "george bush doesn't care about black people" when dealing with katirna. Hmm, but radical white people liked him then. didn't they? But as always in history when a black man dares to defile a white woman social, emotional, economical, and even physicaly death are known reponses.

I hate racism, and i can spot it.

Oh, and did i mention that T. swift won 5 American music awards but was conveniently absent from the event (keeping attention on herself) ?  Hmm. ya, no way thats intentional. She's just more talented than every other musical artist in america right now.....right, and slavery never happened!

You SHOULD be ashamed.

"Rihana is a hoe and you know what to do with a hoe when she gets out of line; you smack a hoe. Cant wait till the day Steadman beats the shit out of Oprah, that would truly call for a real celebration. Take your feminist shit somewhere Sister. We have more burning issues than some hoe being smacked silly for being silly."




riiiiiight, and i supposed to respect, have sex with, love, and NOT be threatened? m'kay.

The girl who never laughed...with you.

I'm all about positive images as much as negative ones but i've got to be honest: im not too too excited about 'prescious'

do i have to say it?