Lucky St. Part 2

Georgia fell asleep on her bed. She wakes up to her little sister Raleigh standing over her.

Georgia- [huge gasp of breath] what are you doing?

Raleigh- not watching you sleep. If that’s what you think.

Georgia- I have no Idea what I think right now.

Raleigh- are you going to California to get away from us?

Georgia- Ral, it’s not like that. You’re too young, you can’t understand.

Raleigh- I get it. You can’t stand it here. So you run away. That parts obvious. What’s not clear is what’s making you want to run. I’m not that young Georgia, and age has nothing to do with being a coward, anyone at any age can run away from problems rather than deal with them.

Georgia- I’m not running.

Raleigh- [sees the unopened letter on Georgias floor] is this about mom?

Georgia- if I still had one it might be about her.

Raleigh- I know you can’t forgive her, but you’ve got to grow up. We all miss daddy too, but at least mama talks to you. She doesn’t even want to speak to the rest of us.

Georgia- and for that you love her?

Raleigh- [pause] you don’t decide what love is, you have to talk to her. Why is it we all see what you can’t?

Georgia- Well that because you guys weren’t there when it happened. She’s only keeping me close so I won’t testify against her parole hearing. Nothing your mother ever says is about love, only convenience. I don’t want to know that woman, can’t anyone understand that?

Raleigh- don’t you understand I do want to know her? And that if you don’t talk to her, forgive her, I can’t ever really know my mother. Just because you hate her doesn’t mean I have to.

Georgia- you don’t want to know a woman like that. [pause] fuck it. Maybe you do. I’m not protecting you anymore.

Raleigh- No one ever asked for your protection

Georgia- You’re right and I can’t stay here with that. [pause] In fact I can’t stay here with you. [Georgia gets up and begins to put on clothes]

Raleigh- You know, you’re so good at running away aren’t you?

Georgia- Raleigh, shut up! What the hell do you know about me?

Raleigh- a whole lot, you are my sister for god sake.

Georgia- That means nothing, nothing. You being my sister doesn’t mean you know me any better than someone I’ve never met. Believe me.

Raleigh- We’re talking about mom…

Georgia- [yelling] No Raleigh, you’re talking about Cheryl! Im fucking listening to you and I don’t even know why. She’s gone. She’s in prison. She killed our father and you have nothing but forgiveness for her. Well I’m sorry Raleigh, I can’t forgive her. I will never forgive her. How can you forgive that?

Raleigh- Because maybe it’s not my job to pass judgment. I mean, my god Georgia She’s still our mother. [pause] where are you going?

Georgia- Away. Gone. Running. I’m so good at running remember? [She slams the door to her room. Runs down the hallway and leaves the house. Raleigh sits on the edge of the bed. Lights down]

today she is rusty

Well, today i hate myself more than normal. Which im sure was their intention to begin with. But i don't blame anyone but myself for this - i am horribly worthless and if nothing else - this has helped me see that.

White Horses

White horses gallop where I cannot.
They feed on a poison thing,
That thing is you.
They tear at you.
Bruising your flesh.
The same flesh I wished to love.
White horses drink what I cannot.
The boundless flow of your eyelashes.
The red and black glow of your sockets.
The river that flows between your legs.
White horses see what I cannot.
The truth of you and your glory.
The way all things dissolve slowly on your palms.
White horses are what I am not.
The ones who are worthy of you.

48 hours after letting you go

Love. It dances.
Batters my torso and rips out my spinal cord.
Using it as a losso to capture my legs.
And as a finale it swallows what’s left of me.
My mortality. My reign. My indecision
It at once came apart – like snapping the neck of a whimpering victim.

sticks and stones, please break my bones.

I guess i learned many things from this experience. One of them being do not delude yourself. Either you are worth something or not. There is no grey - no in between. I have a lot of feelings right now - mostly negative ones. Mostly I'm curious about the point of life, in all honesty. I guess I'm a victim. Yes, i make myself one. Unlike other people i do not possess the mental capacity to bounce back from a let down. I'm constantly being let down. No job, no money, eternal poverty, no friends, and no one to trust. It's pretty lonely. I'm really alone. I dont know where to turn or who to turn to. I am so lost.

Everyday is a struggle not to take that final act - now more than ever i think about it. I think about swallowing a bottle of pills and alcohol. I imagine to excessive release everyone would feel from my absence. I imagine the peace that would come of it. I imagine the evil that will be killed. The evil that is my entire soul. I imagine just being gone - - indefinately, on a long vacation. I will never feel again what i feel right now, and the price is more than fair. All i would have to do is give up. Give up the charade that i am normal - that i am desireable. That i could possibly provide healthy conditions for anyone - friend, partner, co worker, public citizen. It's all a joke. I believe i steal opportunity by standing here. I believe that i have not earned my place or freedom. I take from thoes who are entitled - - and it's time to give back.

lets go see the killers and make out in the bleachers

things to do this summer:

- trip to camden,ME with john and miranda
- start my real housewives commentary show with my crazy friends
- finish my movie script ' lucky st'
- dance outside (a lot)
- send lex some post cards
- visit leah at lake george
- get a physical copy of 'the best of bowie'
- go to johns EVERY chance i get
- get a new piece - - shellys a bit worn out
- re-create my 'say anything 'shrine in my new room (diane and lloyd will live again)
- find peace
- make mistakes - and not beat myself up
- go to peter otts whenever im in maine
- change my image, via vintage clothing styles
- get every sopranos, big love, dexter, dallas, and dynasty seasons im missing
- get into 'falcons crest'
- make at least 4 short films - starring my nutty friends
- rediscover jefferson airplane & led zeppelin.
- find, steak-out, buy-out, and ultimately consume large amounts of bubble tea
- don't sweat the small stuff :)

moving with haste in my hall of mirrors

K. I officially have no idea what to do. Maybe i was being naive that i could change things - but i really wanted to. I really wanted to repair what i knew i had a hand in breaking, obviously im not worth much to anyone alive or dead. moving on.

I'm moving into my new place this week. With olivia. Haven't packed a thing yet, but im getting there. Yesterday i lost my phone (idiot!), so tonight i HAVE to buy a new one. Something i obviously can't afford but thus is life.