Pulling back the glass

Disc 2

1. Motownphilly - Boyz II Men
2. Selina Transforms II - Danny Elfman
3. And she was [ extended mix] - Talking Heads
4. Here's to believe - Aslyn
5. Wild hope - Mandy Moore
6. Praise Chorus - Jimmy Eat World
7. Didn't I tell you - Keshia Cole
8. Beautiful Calm Driving - Sia
9. I Am - Nelly Furtado
10. Breaking us in Two - Mandy Moore
11. Flower - Liz Phair
12. When i was a young girl - Feist
13. Night Fever - Bee Gee's
14. True Love Ways - Buddy Holly
15. Dream a little Dream of me - The Mamas and The Papas
16. Human Nature - Madonna
17. Delicate - Damien Rice
18. Hot Child in the City - Pat Benatar

Dancing along the brush fire

Disc 1

1. The Limit to your Love - Feist
2. Wild World - Cat Stevens
3. Good Luck - Basement Jaxx
4. Put you on game - Lupe Fiasco
5. Angry Angel - Imogen Heap
6. XO - Fall out Boy
7. Summer Nights - Olivia Newton John
8. Thats not my Name - The Ting Tings
9. Madie, Don't Leave - playradioplay!
10. Alone - Heart
11. Space Oddity - David Bowie
12. Dream on - Robyn
13. Ulysses - Franz Ferdinand
14. Pagan Poetry - Bjork
15. Monday, Monday - The Mamas and The Papas
16. We went for a ride - Fefe Dobson
17. Calling it love - Animotion
18. She lives in my lap - Andre Benjamin

Us, nothing, or other.

Today I'm feeling something bigger than myself. I wonder if i do too much - or come off too strong. I feel restless today. The sky is half open from where i can see and the sun is beating down. I seriously don't like to be hot; so that's making me slightly irritable. I want to believe i am starting a new chapter in my life. That i am on my way to feeling more instead of less. However, what happened today was a little embarrassing. When things like that happen you (or rather I) question my worth.
But why? It's just a little embarrassing moment that i will surely not remember when i am further a long in my life. It's no big deal. Everything goes slow, and thank goodness. Slow is better, slow is timeless, slow is meaningful. But sometimes i get so excited i just want to dive in! I can be so absolute, i can just charge right in without thinking. But I...I need to start thinking or i will end up where i have been my whole life.

Today is my bestfriends birthday - she is in chile and i sent her a care package. It's got some really good gifts inside. I made it a specific point to place a box with in a box. I love that kind of surprise - - it's like it happens twice. Well Happy birthday to my lex! i love you! muah.

I picked up a base guitar the other day and remembered why i used to always want to be a singer. a songwriter. I've still got that drive. ....the list goes on and on of what i've been up to.

keep well, and keep reading.

Something Romantic? ( A look at 'American Psycho')

In the 2000 film 'American Psycho' female director, Mary Harron, delivers the perfectly constructed yuppie specimen - - Patrick Bateman. Bateman as a character is played with an unconstrained precision by Christian Bale. He employs not only the madness, but the disconnect - the sterility.

A specific scene that sticks out in the film is usually the ax murder (and i don't mean to give anything away here, so if you've never seen it and want to stop reading here). When Patrick Bateman murder rival Paul Allen in his NY upscale apartment it is both arresting and opulent. It becomes difficult to look away. What made the scene even more impressive was the way Patrick prepared for the murder. After bringing Paul into his home, which was coincidentally covered in news paper, he begins to espouse about the genius of Huey Lewis and the News. Now this is an essential part of the "idea that is Patrick bateman." He is a connoisseur of popular culture, specifically music. And whenever he starts to talk about music - you know he is either going to kill or something unpleasant is about to happen. The contrast of such a violent - and incidentally by default of the weapon, more 'country' murder in a swank, polished, sterilized apartment was new & exciting. Director Harron made a specific point to sterilize Patrick so that everything around him becomes difficult to consume as an audience member. While you're initially weary of Patricks eccentric routine you slowly become teamed with him. His only identifiable emotions are "except for greed and disgust," making his admitted raw composure simply irresistible. You're made, very clearly, to feel Patricks disgust with the world.

Another memorable scene is when Patrick kills Al, a homeless man in the back alley. It is here that i believe director Harron is delivering a complex but fluid idea. We have Patrick Bateman, who is a white, upper class, (presumably) 'well bred' male murdering a homeless, black, lower class, and (Presumably due to racial constructions specifically in the 80's) not 'well bred' male. This is bold. A woman director who isn't afraid to conquer predominantly (in the film world) male subjects such as drugs, sex, pornography, prostitution, greed, wealth, insanity, murder, violence, gore, and emptiness in connection to all of thoes things.

I better Kuckle down

I thought it was about time i entered the world of the living. I've been in hiding, not knowing exactly what to say about whats been going on in my life.

Things have been progressing, s-l-o-w-l-y. I've been getting communications - - emails & texts that have been extremely meaningful to me lately. I cant express how much it soothes me, so thank you.

Anyway, onto my rant. I have always wondered why, why people deny the intensity of weight and appearance in this culture. We all know that being fat is horrible - - practically a sin. I know because just the other day i was told i was too fat for something. It hurt, but at this age, given I've been heavy all my life it didn't phase me. It did, however, make me think. I'm constantly running up against people who think that EVERYONE suffers from body image issues. Now, i would NEVER deny that fact but its a little more magnified when your skinny but see you're self as fat and when you're actually over weight. It's like everyone suffers in life from the constrictions of race and gender, but its a little more magnified when you are...oh..lets say a person of color...or a woman...or a queer identified person...or a lesbian...or a gay man...or a bi-sexual...fluid...trans and so on! This yr i have become increasingly more comfortable with my body. I wore shorts for two days in a row. I've been wearing strapless dresses. I've been accessorizing like no one business. I am coming into my own...i think. Feels good.

one more strange, but liberating thing, somehow this summer i've become a lover of cooking and cleaning my house. am ia housewive? the real housewives & queers of NH? sounds like a winner. take it bravo - take it!

they found a bible by each victim - - suggesting the crimes were deliberate

I want to give back every moment I smiled. I want to erase all the times I was happy and laughing. I want to give them away, I want to forget them. I want everyone else to forget them. I don’t want people to think that I think I deserve to live. That I could think I was that special: to have interests, and favorites, and hobbies, and personal likes and dislikes, and skills. I do not want this. I don’t. I feel like I have to say things to make it in society, I don’t actually think im worth anything. It’s all an illusion. I don’t think im worth more than my suicide attempts, or molestation, or deeeeep depression, or disordered eating, or being slapped around, or ruining my relationships/friendships. I do not know what brainwashing I have gone through to make me believe those things. How did I get it in my head that I was allowed to smile and have joys? I lost it for a minute there, but now I understand. Minimum smiling & laughing. No joys. No more likes and dislikes. No more self definition period – definition is something you earn. I have done nothing in life to earn self definition.

what is wrong with me?

classsy portsmouth living