if i could go back i would have never started eating

Today i was forced to come face to face with my ugly body. i couldn’t escape it - and i couldn’t delude myself into believing everyones lies about my body being ok. I got these new pants - well let me back up- I decided i was going to be buy clothes with more color, and dress how i would like to no matter what. So i saw these lime green skinny pants, tried them on last night. They did fit. & miranda said they looked nice — which i now know i only believed because i wanted to, i wasn’t really thinking about how ugly i am, there weren’t any mirrors really. This morning when i went to put them on i really saw how ugly i was, i broke into tears. Then i started to take the pants off, and as i did this i felt myself dying. I knew that taking thoes pants off meant i will never be attractive, pretty, confident, or accepted. i knew that it would kill me. I stood in the corner sniffing, crying, and taring at the clothes in a fit of anger. i was soooo angry. angry that i was made this way. angry that other people weren’t. angry that nothing would ever change the fact that i was meant to be ugly. the black clothes, depression, anger, distance, and solitude ARE me. Thoes pants symbolized someone who belongs in the world, who derserves to be looked at and admired. not me. not some fat girl who’s meant to disappear and fade into the background - because really im no better than that.

modest mouse...

I have to wonder sometimes why. You know what I mean. “why”. I’m still working towards being completely alone. I’ve never given up on the fact that I’ll end up that way. Just because Miranda chooses to show me favor doesn’t mean I am safe. People like me aren’t safe; we’re always in danger. In danger of dying, being killed, being abused, and abusing. If I could have it my way I would say all my goodbyes, all my apologies and just float away. I could die for something good, maybe, I could die for something plain.