sticks and stones, please break my bones.

I guess i learned many things from this experience. One of them being do not delude yourself. Either you are worth something or not. There is no grey - no in between. I have a lot of feelings right now - mostly negative ones. Mostly I'm curious about the point of life, in all honesty. I guess I'm a victim. Yes, i make myself one. Unlike other people i do not possess the mental capacity to bounce back from a let down. I'm constantly being let down. No job, no money, eternal poverty, no friends, and no one to trust. It's pretty lonely. I'm really alone. I dont know where to turn or who to turn to. I am so lost.

Everyday is a struggle not to take that final act - now more than ever i think about it. I think about swallowing a bottle of pills and alcohol. I imagine to excessive release everyone would feel from my absence. I imagine the peace that would come of it. I imagine the evil that will be killed. The evil that is my entire soul. I imagine just being gone - - indefinately, on a long vacation. I will never feel again what i feel right now, and the price is more than fair. All i would have to do is give up. Give up the charade that i am normal - that i am desireable. That i could possibly provide healthy conditions for anyone - friend, partner, co worker, public citizen. It's all a joke. I believe i steal opportunity by standing here. I believe that i have not earned my place or freedom. I take from thoes who are entitled - - and it's time to give back.