better go and get your armor

So i feel like i can be honest here, because i trust the people reading it. Things have been going well lately. I'm definitely moving away from being DEEPLY depressed for the first time in two yrs. So that's obviously a plus. But today, today i feel very angry. I know this kind of thing comes and goes with the loss of a relationship or any kind, but i HATE feeling like this.

My feelings fluctuate between wishing i could get in a time machine, wishing it NEVER happened, and wishing i could explode without restraint.

The thing is, people REALLY don't understand where my violence and anger come from. For me, and where im from (culturally and regionally) some things are worth fighting over. Some disrespect is too much. & really, the judgment of that reaction to life is a greater judgment than people realize. The most obvious is a judgment on race and class.

i feel trapped. like im not supposed to talk about it. i love Miranda, and would never want us to have to break-up. And i certainly don't wish we never found each other, it's just the cost. it was so large. and i wonder how much i was ignoring the facts.  By that i mean, why did i trust anyone to understand? Even though i have been told time and time again, by different people, that what happened over the past two yrs has NOTHING to do with me and Miranda dating (ya....right), i disagree. That is the origin. Before that i was loved, one of the token black girls. Back then people were intrigued by my passion,anger, and upfront attitude. Suddenly now, and conveniently, im just a brutish bully. K, im the bully but im the one who had to leave and org and go into hiding because of so much back talking, judgments, and bullshit. sure. ok. ya.

And when i get like this, this is when i can hear certain ppls voices. like hers, telling me not to "play victim" and to "stop complaining because i wasn't really traumatized". i HEAR that so clearly whenever i get mad or sad. I hear ppl telling me that im overracting and being delusional. Truthfully, now in my life i can't tell when someonthing is worth fighting for/over anymore. I'm worried that all of my behaviors bring me down, because according to marie and jen they do/have. I'm stuck feeling like i have no history, no experiences, no nothing that matters to anyone, not even me. I don't even believe me sometimes. I'm often kicking myself in the ass and trying to 'get over' things without dealing with them.

Just writing this, expressing myself, makes me feel like a victim. a pathetic victim. but thats just it, i cant forget.