This morning i got to thinking about the past. My past, here at UNH, is filled with joys - and horrors. I still try to sift through them but im not even sure why anymore. Although i have the most wonderful life: (including but not limited to) someone who loves me, great sex, money, (finally) non-shady friends, a family who takes care of me and loves me unconditionally, and a promising future lined up. So why then do i still feel unfinished? Like something or someone escaped the margins of my being and blew me up from the outside? I’m at the end of my dizzyness. For the last year, since miranda and i began dating, i have felt out of control - judged - watched - mistreated. But now it seems ive reached my end. All the circles i was forced into and all the bullshit i took from people is finally fading. I’m happy. I’m actually happy - and there is nothing and no one who can change that. My past is littered with my own mistakes. Whether or not anyone believes me ive taken accountability for anything i may have done. I’m not self righteous. I can recognize a mistake - and i can say im sorry and mean it. I’m extremely proud of the woman i am/becoming. I am no longer absorbing the critique of being “backstabbing, slutty, immature, or evil.” Ive finally learned to take what they say with a grain of salt - besides they aren’t perfect, no matter what they think.
Things to look forward to:
Valentines day surprises
Friday the 13th remake
Drag Ball
Spring internship
New Job
New apartment
My birthday
Fall out boy concert
& Graduating and moving out of NH to see the real world
In my thoughts about the past i wondered ” how can you tell whos hurt whom?” Everyone thinks that they are in the right - that they have rarely hurt, but have been hurt. Is there relationship karma? And if so what suit does it come disguised in? I’m beginning to think the gratest karma of all is happiness. my happiness. your happiness. Because without it - we’re no better than them.
p.s. Pamela Ewing is hot.
