he used you, he used your dead sister

'will you take the needle off the table?"

'YES!'

i do not want to die, but i do want to be killed.
when i am feeling my fucking heart leek from my between my legs - i shrink a bit.
And i dread turning the corner because everyone hates me--
like the way their heads turn into light bulbs to inspect me.
and if it wasn't for the death penalty - you'd fear me.

Can you prove it, jim?

I haven't written about myself in a long time. I've been focusing a lot on getting miranda through her masters, poetry, and emotional care. This week my therapist asked me who makes me feel like myself. I am often uncomfortable around people and with the last 2 yrs of my life being extremely isolating i cannot remember the last time i was okay in a group.

I cannot stop listening to the mamas and the papas lately. i have always loved them - but it seems , now, i am back in that place where i first met them. they keep me sane!
(except for the fact that the lead dude was sexually abusing his daughter the WHOLE time and she ended up on VH1 Dr. Drew celebrity rehab. insane)

 List o' loves:
Miranda
olivia
cathy
Steve
becca
john
Richie
maria
bessie
susie
lex
jess
maddox
-- these people love me. care for me. trust me. and let me trust them. they're love love love and i want to spend more time loving them back!

I am def missing a close friend right now. trying not to be paranoid. i love her, just hope she sees how much i care and that i only want to continue our friendship, not end it<3 love.

I saw Robyn for the first time in YRS last weekend. It was magical. i have missed her, and i am sorry i ever removed her from my life. what blinders i had on. She is a beautiful friend and i love her dearly. I trust her with me love and life. It feels good to be okay with all this security. Usually i am skeptical of anyone who wants to love me.

Okay, so i am working on a new piece. hopefully it will be out by this weekend.