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Friday, October 30, 2009

Even Steve Miner knows theres a race war

Steve Miner, director of the third enstallment to the ' Friday the 13th' series, exposes in a 10 minute scene the arising racial tentions of the 80's. In the scene Donna and Shelly are headed to the store in town - away from crytal lake where they are spending the weekend with friends. ( for thoes who have never seen friday the 13th - camp crystal lake is the original site of Jasons mothers revenge. it remains the location throught at least  9 out of the 12 films in the franchise).

Donna is a young latina woman - noted specifically by her mother and her arguing in spanish earlier in the film. As viewers you're supposed to take away the point that she is latina, but not latina enought to look anything other than white. And this is not to say that people cannot be all shades, but its a trite convinient that even in a world of 'shades' we're often forced to look at white skin. Moving on - - So shelly is young white male, who is also specifically important because he is the only character of size in the film. This means that his character is sexless, child like, simple, and ultimately always seperated from the group by virture of being too fat to enjoy the basic things in life skinny people take for granted. Like swimming - Shelly is quoted saying "...they said they're going skinny dipping, and im not skinny enough," when another character inquires why is not with the rest of the group.

Shelly and Donna end up in a small town general store. Just as Donna is trying to buy food at the counter the clerk abruptly utters "..and we don't except no food stamps!" Racialized moment #2 in the film next to the argument in Spanish. Donna turns to ask Shelly for money - he throws the wallet and instead of Donna catching it the wallet falls short of reach and ends up on the floor. Just as the shot of Donnas piercingly white hand goes to pick up the wallet a black boot stomps into the screen. Donna looks up to see a black biker chick! Now i have to say that my face looked exactly like Donnas in this scene. It was something like a " riiiiiight, 'cause black bikers are in an abundance in northern America" face. And by northern American i mean Maine/Vermont area. So the black biker girl makes Donna plead for the wallet, while the two men with her (one black and one white) hold Shelly back from intervening. Finally, after 'asking nicely' the two friends pay and are released. They walk out to the car and of course Shelly accidentally backs in the car into the the motorcycles as the black male of the biker gang watches. The black male then breaks in the front and side window on the car - Shelly speeds off.




Now this is where i got that feeling, you know that sick feeling when something just seems wrong? Well instead of speeding away as an effect of being so 'terrorized' Shellys takes advantage of his privilege in that situation (..being in a car) and tries to run the black male down. The odd thing was, as he was doing it he said "he went too far this time" - as if he had known him for yrs. As if he had suffered multiple offenses from this person. As if he had been abused by this man one too many times and this was just the last straw and so of course RUNNING him over with a car is justifyable. 

How could this random black man who Shelly had never seen before in his life 'go too far'? It's called misplaced rage. Shellys white male/female friends make fun of him, leave him out of things, degrade him, tell him he isn't wanted, manipulate and control him throughout the film and yet his only surge of aggression that EVER manifests is on a random black guy he's never met before. Too afriad to go against your own race Shelly? Or rather too afraid to give up the privileges that come with be socially as well as physically white? Because one component of social whiteness is complete and utter avoidence of conflict, no?  And so in typical wp fashion he put his aggressions in the one place he knew there would be no legal , emotional, physical, economical, social, or moral repercussions to his actions. Not to mention in the end it was a white man and a latina woman running over a black man. If that doesn't clear up the fact that skin is key and that the closer you look to white the more likely you are to band together in a fight against the darkies - then i don't know what does.

People have very little respect for horror films but atleast they can say and deal with what most film directors bury under a foolish storyline, an emaciated (empowered) white girl, and an emotionally crippled white man who secretly has a heart of gold. in short, what has a romantic comedy done lately in the fight against racism, sexism, and homophobia? oh i know, completely rienforce all thoes ideologies. So maybe horror movies display violence, over sexualization, degredation, and sadism - but atleast they don't lie. Ya know, and tell woman they're safe. We have policies, laws, and police. Nothings gonna happen to you - like i said, atleast they don't lie.

Hannaford - racism style.

So i walked into Hannafords in portsmoth NH the other night. As i walk in i feel the usual stares of "oh gosh, where did that come from?" and " dear lord she's burned!" but i ignore them and head straight for the wine asile - ya. I grab my favorite wine, a crisp sav blanc. Then i go to look for red bull, at mirs respectful request. I can't seem to find it so i stop at the 14 items or less lane and politely ask the white woman standing there "Excuse me miss, where can i locate the red bull?" and i mean i said that word for word. That is how i was brought up to speak to people. Respectfully! She stares at me for about 30 seconds and then calls over a boy who looks like a mix between latino and white to "deal" with me. He tells me they're over by the ice cream - i excuse myself, say thank you to both of them and walk off. On my way back from getting the red bull - i spot the egg nog. Now , i am a nog fiend so i grabbed it and ran to the checkout with a smile. I ended up going back to the woman who has "helped" me before - i thought it was only respectful to continue the customer/worker dynamic i had began with her. As i am checking out the younger clerks at registers around us were talking about skipping classes. The woman looks up at me, smirks, and says " you look like you skip class all the time, don't ya?"

I gave her no response. Then before i left i said to her "negroes take their education seriously since we were only allouted it like 60 yrs ago!" - and hey, maybe i was off on the length of time, but my point was clear.

do you see this america? I can't even shop for food without racism finding me.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

change of plans

For me talking has become unsafe. I never say or do the right thing - im always upsetting someone. I'm wondering if its worth it anymore.

Everyday i wonder why i can't learn my lesson. I obviously see how i make mistakes, how i hurt people with my opinions and beliefes and yet i refuse to change. It is the hardest thing i've ever had to work on. I've been trying to change me personailty, beliefes, and behaviors for two yrs now. Have i gotten somewhere? of course. I've learned not to speak up - uhh, thats sad. But really i am tired of trying to change me, while everyone else gets to be their full selves.

Lets chat..

Hello Everyone!

Welcome to my blog. I'm glad to know that people will be reading this, mainly because i know i have something important to say - and i have the right to do so.




So lets talk about the blog title because i know it will cause anger, confusion, but most of all laughter. Not the kind of the privileged masses, but the laughter of the oppressed. Laughing because statements of this uncomfortable magnitude, at times, are our only weapons. So i named it this because i am a curvy, nurturing, motherly, big breasted, patient, black woman = mammie. I have been perceived and treated as such most of my life, but never as much as when i was part of an all white collective in college. My best friend and i joined this collective with all the best intentions - only to end up be tokenized (duh) and eventually ostracized. I believe that is was my refusal to be their token anymore than brought about my demise in the collective, and the beginning of a recovery period that is about to enter its 2nd yr. I am more confident, and have moved far beyond my initial feelings but unfortunately for me - racism stains.

I plan to open up my life, thoughts, emotions, and intellect to write honestly and clearly about what i see happening around me. I hope it pierces like i mean it to..

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

They can't see you so, take your time

to everyone who taught me the lessons needed to get to where i am today.
thank you to those people who taught me the hard way (is there any other way?)
thank you to those people who held my hand on this long road
thank you to those people i love now and those i will always love deep down
whether good or bad, you changed my life
and i wouldn't forget any of you, even if i could
you saw me at the lowest points of my life
and some of you saw the good i was capable of
and believed in me
but even if you gave up on me, you still helped me move forward
so,
thank you.
and i'm sorry. for everything. and i'm happy to say i will love you forever!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Really, b?

OhMiGosh! I just came across the feminist words that FINALLY explain what happened to me almost two yrs ago.

'As a Black female member of the very white collective I was made to feel so devalued and unworthy of basic human consideration when I reached out for support. Given that gross lack of compassion, I felt compelled to walk away from a circle of women who enjoy throwing around the word “sisterhood” like confetti at a children’s birthday party. I was allowed to walk away as if my presence and then my non-presence were equally valueless to them.'

...my thoughts exactly.

Now the reason this is complicated is because i don't want to seem like i blame the whole group - - or even the group for what is was. I blame miscommunication, actions. But it manifested there, that was the seed from which my downfall came. If not for the group i do not think it would have been so easy to speak ill of me and make it stick. I have been told many times to keep silent about WU and what it was for me. I was there, for a minute. Then i checked out mentally. it was too hard to catch up. I've spoken to olivia and we both agree that it was almost like there was a secrect langage being spoken that we DIDN'T understand. For example, when we were in "meetings" sometimes it felt like a bunch of friends with history, memories, tragedies, and so on coming together with us on the fringes. That was hard, so for someone to silence me on that experience is really just bullshit.  And thats just it, ya know? That persons attempt to silence me was because " i wasn't there very long or from the beginning." Ah! so thats its, obviosly the appropriate thing to do when someone is expressing concern, pain, and anger is to devalue that persons experience. riiiiight. Anyways, all i meant was that just proves my concerns corret. To some, there was some level, some form on closeness i was not meant to have. And this reminds me of the quote above.

On the blog where i found that quote i also found MANY others talking explicitly about a black womens tokenization in a white collective, and her worthlessness in said collective. It was the FIRST feminist writing that EVER made me cry. I teared up finally seeing a reflection of my life written down. it was like a miracle or something. She captured exactly what i have thought to myself, litterally everyday, since the incident occured. It rings of all the blame, shame, and disgust i felt. Especially the shame. The shame was so fucking bad, now - - it lingers but is not in control the same way.

I'm feeling pretty good today. Mirandas birthday is at the end of the week and im sooo excited. I'm sure we'll go to the ocean for part of it :) Monday is grooming day, so i washed my hair and now ill do my nails. im painting them gold to match my bittie oliv.



Friday, October 9, 2009

better go and get your armor

So i feel like i can be honest here, because i trust the people reading it. Things have been going well lately. I'm definitely moving away from being DEEPLY depressed for the first time in two yrs. So that's obviously a plus. But today, today i feel very angry. I know this kind of thing comes and goes with the loss of a relationship or any kind, but i HATE feeling like this.

My feelings fluctuate between wishing i could get in a time machine, wishing it NEVER happened, and wishing i could explode without restraint.

The thing is, people REALLY don't understand where my violence and anger come from. For me, and where im from (culturally and regionally) some things are worth fighting over. Some disrespect is too much. & really, the judgment of that reaction to life is a greater judgment than people realize. The most obvious is a judgment on race and class.

i feel trapped. like im not supposed to talk about it. i love Miranda, and would never want us to have to break-up. And i certainly don't wish we never found each other, it's just the cost. it was so large. and i wonder how much i was ignoring the facts.  By that i mean, why did i trust anyone to understand? Even though i have been told time and time again, by different people, that what happened over the past two yrs has NOTHING to do with me and Miranda dating (ya....right), i disagree. That is the origin. Before that i was loved, one of the token black girls. Back then people were intrigued by my passion,anger, and upfront attitude. Suddenly now, and conveniently, im just a brutish bully. K, im the bully but im the one who had to leave and org and go into hiding because of so much back talking, judgments, and bullshit. sure. ok. ya.

And when i get like this, this is when i can hear certain ppls voices. like hers, telling me not to "play victim" and to "stop complaining because i wasn't really traumatized". i HEAR that so clearly whenever i get mad or sad. I hear ppl telling me that im overracting and being delusional. Truthfully, now in my life i can't tell when someonthing is worth fighting for/over anymore. I'm worried that all of my behaviors bring me down, because according to marie and jen they do/have. I'm stuck feeling like i have no history, no experiences, no nothing that matters to anyone, not even me. I don't even believe me sometimes. I'm often kicking myself in the ass and trying to 'get over' things without dealing with them.

Just writing this, expressing myself, makes me feel like a victim. a pathetic victim. but thats just it, i cant forget.