change of plans

For me talking has become unsafe. I never say or do the right thing - im always upsetting someone. I'm wondering if its worth it anymore.

Everyday i wonder why i can't learn my lesson. I obviously see how i make mistakes, how i hurt people with my opinions and beliefes and yet i refuse to change. It is the hardest thing i've ever had to work on. I've been trying to change me personailty, beliefes, and behaviors for two yrs now. Have i gotten somewhere? of course. I've learned not to speak up - uhh, thats sad. But really i am tired of trying to change me, while everyone else gets to be their full selves.

Lets chat..

Hello Everyone!

Welcome to my blog. I'm glad to know that people will be reading this, mainly because i know i have something important to say - and i have the right to do so.

So lets talk about the blog title because i know it will cause anger, confusion, but most of all laughter. Not the kind of the privileged masses, but the laughter of the oppressed. Laughing because statements of this uncomfortable magnitude, at times, are our only weapons. So i named it this because i am a curvy, nurturing, motherly, big breasted, patient, black woman = mammie. I have been perceived and treated as such most of my life, but never as much as when i was part of an all white collective in college. My best friend and i joined this collective with all the best intentions - only to end up be tokenized (duh) and eventually ostracized. I believe that is was my refusal to be their token anymore than brought about my demise in the collective, and the beginning of a recovery period that is about to enter its 2nd yr. I am more confident, and have moved far beyond my initial feelings but unfortunately for me - racism stains.

I plan to open up my life, thoughts, emotions, and intellect to write honestly and clearly about what i see happening around me. I hope it pierces like i mean it to..

They can't see you so, take your time

to everyone who taught me the lessons needed to get to where i am today.
thank you to those people who taught me the hard way (is there any other way?)
thank you to those people who held my hand on this long road
thank you to those people i love now and those i will always love deep down
whether good or bad, you changed my life
and i wouldn't forget any of you, even if i could
you saw me at the lowest points of my life
and some of you saw the good i was capable of
and believed in me
but even if you gave up on me, you still helped me move forward
so,
thank you.
and i'm sorry. for everything. and i'm happy to say i will love you forever!

Really, b?

OhMiGosh! I just came across the feminist words that FINALLY explain what happened to me almost two yrs ago.

'As a Black female member of the very white collective I was made to feel so devalued and unworthy of basic human consideration when I reached out for support. Given that gross lack of compassion, I felt compelled to walk away from a circle of women who enjoy throwing around the word “sisterhood” like confetti at a children’s birthday party. I was allowed to walk away as if my presence and then my non-presence were equally valueless to them.'

...my thoughts exactly.

Now the reason this is complicated is because i don't want to seem like i blame the whole group - - or even the group for what is was. I blame miscommunication, actions. But it manifested there, that was the seed from which my downfall came. If not for the group i do not think it would have been so easy to speak ill of me and make it stick. I have been told many times to keep silent about WU and what it was for me. I was there, for a minute. Then i checked out mentally. it was too hard to catch up. I've spoken to olivia and we both agree that it was almost like there was a secrect langage being spoken that we DIDN'T understand. For example, when we were in "meetings" sometimes it felt like a bunch of friends with history, memories, tragedies, and so on coming together with us on the fringes. That was hard, so for someone to silence me on that experience is really just bullshit.  And thats just it, ya know? That persons attempt to silence me was because " i wasn't there very long or from the beginning." Ah! so thats its, obviosly the appropriate thing to do when someone is expressing concern, pain, and anger is to devalue that persons experience. riiiiight. Anyways, all i meant was that just proves my concerns corret. To some, there was some level, some form on closeness i was not meant to have. And this reminds me of the quote above.

On the blog where i found that quote i also found MANY others talking explicitly about a black womens tokenization in a white collective, and her worthlessness in said collective. It was the FIRST feminist writing that EVER made me cry. I teared up finally seeing a reflection of my life written down. it was like a miracle or something. She captured exactly what i have thought to myself, litterally everyday, since the incident occured. It rings of all the blame, shame, and disgust i felt. Especially the shame. The shame was so fucking bad, now - - it lingers but is not in control the same way.

I'm feeling pretty good today. Mirandas birthday is at the end of the week and im sooo excited. I'm sure we'll go to the ocean for part of it :) Monday is grooming day, so i washed my hair and now ill do my nails. im painting them gold to match my bittie oliv.

better go and get your armor

So i feel like i can be honest here, because i trust the people reading it. Things have been going well lately. I'm definitely moving away from being DEEPLY depressed for the first time in two yrs. So that's obviously a plus. But today, today i feel very angry. I know this kind of thing comes and goes with the loss of a relationship or any kind, but i HATE feeling like this.

My feelings fluctuate between wishing i could get in a time machine, wishing it NEVER happened, and wishing i could explode without restraint.

The thing is, people REALLY don't understand where my violence and anger come from. For me, and where im from (culturally and regionally) some things are worth fighting over. Some disrespect is too much. & really, the judgment of that reaction to life is a greater judgment than people realize. The most obvious is a judgment on race and class.

i feel trapped. like im not supposed to talk about it. i love Miranda, and would never want us to have to break-up. And i certainly don't wish we never found each other, it's just the cost. it was so large. and i wonder how much i was ignoring the facts.  By that i mean, why did i trust anyone to understand? Even though i have been told time and time again, by different people, that what happened over the past two yrs has NOTHING to do with me and Miranda dating (ya....right), i disagree. That is the origin. Before that i was loved, one of the token black girls. Back then people were intrigued by my passion,anger, and upfront attitude. Suddenly now, and conveniently, im just a brutish bully. K, im the bully but im the one who had to leave and org and go into hiding because of so much back talking, judgments, and bullshit. sure. ok. ya.

And when i get like this, this is when i can hear certain ppls voices. like hers, telling me not to "play victim" and to "stop complaining because i wasn't really traumatized". i HEAR that so clearly whenever i get mad or sad. I hear ppl telling me that im overracting and being delusional. Truthfully, now in my life i can't tell when someonthing is worth fighting for/over anymore. I'm worried that all of my behaviors bring me down, because according to marie and jen they do/have. I'm stuck feeling like i have no history, no experiences, no nothing that matters to anyone, not even me. I don't even believe me sometimes. I'm often kicking myself in the ass and trying to 'get over' things without dealing with them.

Just writing this, expressing myself, makes me feel like a victim. a pathetic victim. but thats just it, i cant forget.

On the boundary...

i continue to find love and happiness in the most obvious places <3

Ava Fields, RP. (resident punching bag)

So last night/this morning i discovered who the spy is that has been feeding the monster lately. I suspect that without this spy i would have been ok these past months. Instead, because of ego and wanting to prove oneself this person spied on me for info. Now i wonder, was any of this "spying" embellished by the time it got to jim jones and co. OR was it just blown out of proportion? Or, finally, was my right to privacy violated for the sake of someone elses ego? DING! We have a winner, the thought that someone has been all along violating the privacy i THOUGHT i had with my own bestfriend is irritating. Also what i say to my friends is not jim jones business or his crew, so why the interest? When you look for the negative in people you will find it, when you look for mistakes they will be there. Some would call it coincidence, i call it setting someone up. Yup, thats right, spying on someone through a space where they assume they are safe to process emotions is the most disrespectful thing i have ever experienced, and thats saying a lot given the past 2 yrs.

WHAT ARE MY FUCKING RIGHTS? As a woman, as a black woman, a woman of size, as a woman in pain? This situation make me see that i have very few in this community, with these certain people and i hope the spying stops now...or ill make it stop.

but hey jim jones says jump, they drink the kool aid.