"i feel like everyone is cutting me off from my emotions," i squealed, " why can't i feel what i want?" It took everything in my bones to say this to my therapist yesterday.
"You seem a little down today," said Rachael "Is something wrong?" I didn't know how to tell her what was in my head.
"Ya, i woke up from a bad dream. Was feeling weird. And lately I've had some things on my mind - things that are hard to forget or put away because the impact was so huge. I want my life back!" And as Rachael sat and listened she learned more about me. She learned that i cant stand injustice - no matter how small. I spoke like i knew my feelings, like i knew right from wrong. I uncovered what has been plaguing me and disrupting me: i live a lie
My feelings about the past 3 years of my life are no big secret. I have mentioned it thousands of times as the worst years I've experience since my fathers death. I find myself always dreaming of those years - frightening dreams, night terrors. I dream of my death that was only social and symbolic in life. And i live my life as a lie. It is fake. I am forced to be fake. Close friends want me to get over it and just move on. Other people i can't even talk to because of their own affiliations. and the rest are blind. It forces me into a place of grave digging - - for me and my voice.
"Can i ask...was that when you came out?" Rachael asked the most frightening question.
"I...i think so. I hate to think about it. It makes me feel gross."
"And why's that?" Rachael said. "Because it went so badly" I uttered, "All i can associate is Ava is queer = bad! Even if that's not what it was that's how it came off. How else do you make sense of losing everything under those circumstances?"
i do not think anyone realized the impact of that. Of overshadowing my coming out with.... (this).
i want to send thank you notes - - because my rage is strong now. And i bless myself for being an angry woman
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I like this piece a lot-- the image of grave digging for yourself.... this seems to be the story of your life, as your quest for authenticity and honesty and honor and justice is a social grave digging as much as it is an actual grave digging most days.
ReplyDeleteI like the last lines "Of overshadowing my coming out with.... (this).
i want to send thank you notes - - because my rage is strong now. And I bless myself for being an angry woman"
I'd love for you to share with me the contents of some of those thank you notes, or how you would reframe things in the form of thank you notes. It would make a great Post Secret like book in itself.
I liked this entries style- quotes of dialogue from your session with Rachel.
So the question is- when are we actually gonna go have a great gay time somewhere for a corrective coming out experience?