if i could go back i would have never started eating

Today i was forced to come face to face with my ugly body. i couldn’t escape it - and i couldn’t delude myself into believing everyones lies about my body being ok. I got these new pants - well let me back up- I decided i was going to be buy clothes with more color, and dress how i would like to no matter what. So i saw these lime green skinny pants, tried them on last night. They did fit. & miranda said they looked nice — which i now know i only believed because i wanted to, i wasn’t really thinking about how ugly i am, there weren’t any mirrors really. This morning when i went to put them on i really saw how ugly i was, i broke into tears. Then i started to take the pants off, and as i did this i felt myself dying. I knew that taking thoes pants off meant i will never be attractive, pretty, confident, or accepted. i knew that it would kill me. I stood in the corner sniffing, crying, and taring at the clothes in a fit of anger. i was soooo angry. angry that i was made this way. angry that other people weren’t. angry that nothing would ever change the fact that i was meant to be ugly. the black clothes, depression, anger, distance, and solitude ARE me. Thoes pants symbolized someone who belongs in the world, who derserves to be looked at and admired. not me. not some fat girl who’s meant to disappear and fade into the background - because really im no better than that.

modest mouse...

I have to wonder sometimes why. You know what I mean. “why”. I’m still working towards being completely alone. I’ve never given up on the fact that I’ll end up that way. Just because Miranda chooses to show me favor doesn’t mean I am safe. People like me aren’t safe; we’re always in danger. In danger of dying, being killed, being abused, and abusing. If I could have it my way I would say all my goodbyes, all my apologies and just float away. I could die for something good, maybe, I could die for something plain.

a hip hop legend

and i can see you
you brown skin shining in the sun
you got your hair combed back
& your sunglasses on baby

someone carve me up with an oyster knife.

Today - i feel like things are falling into place. I got my job secured for summer, and even if i have to keep looking for another one im happy with what ive got. Miranda gave me a tarot reading last night - apparently the best she’s done in a long time. it was nice, just being with her and doing something i know she loves. She could show of her knowledge base to me, and i think she needs more of that. more people willing to let her expose herself to them.
Uhg. I hate emails. got an email from the DSC asking if i would still want to help with the stop hate events even thought cait may have been involved. get fucked. i hate her. But i would let that trollop stop me from fighting issues of hate. i mean, fighting cait is like fighting hate. she is a cyber-bully. Excuse me cait, making videos where you’re name calling and calling people fat? grow up? too much? & what a pathetic thing to be as 22 year old college graduate. really. It’s really strange to me that she was allowed to keep her job and not forced to publically apologize. not enough shame in that situation. All she did was send miranda some measley, fucked up, self centered “apology” - if we can even call it that. i think that wench got off scott free - but hopefully karma will finish her off. I think she deserved public shame and crucifixion beyond her understanding. BUT…we dont want to feed her identity of martyrdom. if she had the chance to feel attacked, she would whine until everyone just wanted to kill themselves to shut her up. shes like the black plague…and im ashmed to not have cured her from all of our systems.
Speaking of suicide, i had to sit through my film class while everyone laughed and joked about it. im sitting there thinking, “hmmmm….im suicidal….thanks”. fuckers. suicide isn’t ironic, funny, or only encapsulated to film. it’s sitting in your classroom. people need to gain WAY more sensetivity traning reguarding issues of mental disease and suicide.
i think im going to get my bloggers back-maybe- it looks better. i think.
i refuse to forgive anyone. not good at it. once im burned its for life. new motto: i do not accept apologies, only resignations. and you better believe that. if you’re unhealthy for me in anyway you’re out. this includes but is not limited to: judging my use of drugs/alcohol, judging my relationship, trivializing my trauma, homophobic/racist/classist/ and american nationalist thoughts, call me or anyone i love names, cyber-bully me or someone i love, email bomb me or someone i love, bitching at me to change or “get help”, telling me im not a victim of anythin (GET FUCKED), trying to sabotage me (well this one wont really piss me off as much as it will propell me into a state of blind rage that will result in the destruction of your life - be warned), telling lies about me, stepping to me when you are all talk and no action, ect.
Got an apartment for the summer and hopefully next year. doing well. doing well. i see many good things on the horizon.
i neeeeeed breakfast. im off off off off.

You know there's disco in the air and hairspray everywhere

TEN random things about me:
10. today is my birthday & my bestfriend made me a cake in the shape of a fall out boy album.
9. my rage factor goes from 0-100 in seconds…really.
8. i often get carded at the movies and for liquor more than anyone else, cause i look like im 14.
7. i am addicted to the history channel.
6. i think about revenge 100 times a day. plotting it. acting on it. and eventually getting it
5. i never wear make-up.
4. in the summertime i dance into my clothes each morning.
3. i hate beyonce, shes a race traitor, do not mention her name to me, EVER.
2. i am obsessed with dallas. i can quote it, deconstruct it, complicate it, and expand on it. it’s deeeeep.
1. i plan of living the beautiful, dirty, rich life one day with my friends and partner at my side.

NINE ways to win my heart:
9. rocking out to guitars on a long car ride.
8. a nice necklace, on a nice neck.
7. accept that mandy moore is my idol.
6. accept that fall out boy are my religous leaders.
5. dance with me.
4. buy me wine every single day of my life.
3. kisss me, slowly, deeply, and long everyday.

2. you best be funny.

1. being a politically radical progressive machine, i dig opinion based personalities.

EIGHT things I wanna do before I die:
8. get my dvd collection into the 10,000’s.
7. kiss under a waterfall.
6. write a book about the feminist regime at UNH.
5. Meet the entire cast of dallas (still living)
4. move onto southfork.
3. dance and move with confidence in my body.
2. become the person i know im supposed to be.
1. exorcise negativity out of my life, completely.

Seven things that annoy me:
7. thoes who think they know everything there is to know - get fucked.
6. race, queer, sex, and underprvilieged traitors.
5. when people put my dvd’s in the wrong cases or leave them sitting out. AHHH.
4. friends who turn out to be traitos - not interested.
3. hypocrites who can’t admit it..
2. dirt and disorganization - OCD.
1. when white feminists appropriate black culture & even go so far as to say they’re ‘black on the inside’ - check yourself.

Six things i believe in:
6. that marriage is a heterosexist institution that has historical roots of treating women as property
5. that radically progressive ideas are the truth.
4. paganism.
3. anything that upsets the heterosexual, white, upper class, privileged, christain, model of society.
2. Oj not going to jail.
1. i am a paraiah.

Five things im afraid of:
5. car crashes.
4. dissapointing people.
3. not getting to my full artistic potential
2. falling down and having my teeth puncture through my lips.
1. that the levels of opression we’re currently living under will escolate in an attempt to exterminate me and the ones i love. this is fact. this is a real fear when you’re a black, queer, lower class, woman living in NH.

FOUR of my favorite items in my room:
4. holy water recepticle.
3. shelly
2. magazines
1. portrait of diane court and lloyd dobler on my mirror - they remind me love is alive.

THREE things i do everyday
3. kisssss my lover.
2. recite lady gaga lyrics.
1. make dallas jokes, refernces, deconstructions, etc via text with john.

TWO people i want to see right now.
2. john.
1. my father.

One thing i wanna do right now.
1. get well.

You play. You win. You play. You lose. You play.

Today- You (I) win. I’m obsessed with checking, always checking. I do this for myself. Maybe im unhealthy, i can admit that - but that doesn’t mean i should take shit. get fucked.

i am imperfect. bad, even. but today i win. doesn’t matter that to some I’m pathetic. today i win. this morning i looked at myself in the mirror for a long time. i really looked at my face, and behind my eyes i swear i could see hell. anger has me by the throat. i submit to and obey my anger. It propels me, jars me into the moment, even reminds me why im alive. i breathe it. & i like it that way. my anger is my only will - it keeps me going. I do like to move forward - my anger can’t be stationed on one thing for too long. this is all new. usually i could be angry at the same person for years, but now since im extracting all social bile from my life i want to make sure i get everyone. i will remove you - by force or otherwise. my patients wore thin - jerk.

i did find a dress for my party - black, obviously. lace. see-through, sometimes. i wont be too much tho - i know the limits. the food will be incredible. everything that i love. the music will be amazing. the alcohol will flow. im hoping for a huge toast - that would bring me to life somehow. i will dance until i collapse. i want to celebrate me. i want to be able to dance for me, toast for me, exist for me. miranda, wonderful, i love her. we have it for real - it’s not a coo for financial security or social rights of any kind. we stay because we’re in love. funny, i dont see many people doing that anymore. and whats more hilarious is that we live in a society that condemns same sex couples, but at least they’re not in it for money and power. they can’t be. there’s no federal equality. im not going to put out for a man just to get a house, money, or security. but its built that way. it’s built so that women have to consider that as a path - that is the fault of a patriarchal hetero-sexist legal system. but still begs the question - why do you get to qualify queer relationships when your own is a farce that is completely based on exercising your privileged rights? again, get fucked.

i am having alice in wonderland cupcakes for my party. blue icing. white writing. ‘eat me’ in bold letters. it will have more than one meaning, dig that?

cherry cherry boom boom

Going to see Lady GaGa as part of my birthday festivities. I also am having a party - dallas themed obviously. I won an award this week. To all the people who think i dont deserve it i say F-U-C-K Y-O-U! I said it slow so every word counted.

I am going to be Katherine Wentworth for the paty. my dress is sick - all i need is a huge hat. ive been purging negativity from my life in the past month. & it’s been great. all gone. gooodbye. no more funny business. thank goodness.

i’m no longer a victime - now im a head hunter.

i am a bull & when you mess with the bull you get the horns. read it. believe it.fear it.