On the boundary...

i continue to find love and happiness in the most obvious places <3

Ava Fields, RP. (resident punching bag)

So last night/this morning i discovered who the spy is that has been feeding the monster lately. I suspect that without this spy i would have been ok these past months. Instead, because of ego and wanting to prove oneself this person spied on me for info. Now i wonder, was any of this "spying" embellished by the time it got to jim jones and co. OR was it just blown out of proportion? Or, finally, was my right to privacy violated for the sake of someone elses ego? DING! We have a winner, the thought that someone has been all along violating the privacy i THOUGHT i had with my own bestfriend is irritating. Also what i say to my friends is not jim jones business or his crew, so why the interest? When you look for the negative in people you will find it, when you look for mistakes they will be there. Some would call it coincidence, i call it setting someone up. Yup, thats right, spying on someone through a space where they assume they are safe to process emotions is the most disrespectful thing i have ever experienced, and thats saying a lot given the past 2 yrs.

WHAT ARE MY FUCKING RIGHTS? As a woman, as a black woman, a woman of size, as a woman in pain? This situation make me see that i have very few in this community, with these certain people and i hope the spying stops now...or ill make it stop.

but hey jim jones says jump, they drink the kool aid.

my moon, my girl

....my moon makes SO much sense.

Moon is in 20 Degrees Pisces.
You have strong feelings and are extremely sensitive. It would help if you had a thicker skin -- you tend to react emotionally to every situation you come across. Kind, gentle and considerate of the feelings of others, you are good at taking care of the sick, wounded and helpless. But you tend to absorb the energy of others -- so avoid those who are always negative. You have a rich, creative and lively imagination, but you should be careful not to spend all your time daydreaming. Very intuitive, you have good ESP and may be quite clairvoyant or psychic. Remember that you too have the right to get what you want from life. If you are always defensive and kowtowing to others, people will take advantage of you and exploit you.

does that make me a sinner? no, a scientist.

Miranda and i have been playing music together now for months. Maybe going on about 5 months. Sometimes we go to best buy and she plays the electric drums while i play like 800 rounds of wii. hahaha. Then sometimes we go into the practice rooms and mess around with the base guitars. & we try to write songs. I sing, comfortably. But i can only sing for Miranda and even thats hard sometimes. I want to be able to sing anytime, anyplace, i want to feel proud of my talent. And for me pride, when it's not keeping me from doing something, is completely unattainable.

i miss cathy and becca. They're away on a journey which i can't wait to hear about. They'll be back soon, im just antsy. I can't wait to take that kind of journey with miranda. By fall of 2010 we will be far away from here and i am so excited for that. Maybe cali, maybe NY. My best, john,is moving to brooklyn in about a month. He just sprung this on me yesterday at coffee. Stunned, but happy for him. Now i have somewhere to stay when things get rough. & im just happy for my friends. We all need to get out of here.

I think i closed to the door on all the negativity in my life. I can't make people love me and even more important i can't say i love them when im really just afraid of the end. Animotion said it best " I’ve been calling it love. Because i want u to stay. Calling it love, Say you’ll stay. Calling it love Cause i’m too scared to say....Let’s call it a day" - reallllygood 80's song. HUGE power ballad. download it, now!


gotta eat and do tarrot. plus, im writing today on "the serpent and the rainbow".

"don't bury me, im not dead!" - oh bill pullman, what a famous line :)

Classical

I ask because im speechless
I ask you to move your hands
Up, Up, Up
Above my eyebrows
Not beneath my under the pink
My stomach pressed against the cold piano keys
Silence
Except, i think
im playing Mozart.

im a noisey little creep

What a shame we all became, such fragile broken things,
A memory remains, Just a tiny spark,
I give it all my oxygen, to let the flames begin,
So let the flames begin,

Ohhhh Glory.... Ohh Glory!

This is, how we'll dance when,
when they try to take us down,
This is what we'll be ohh glory.

Somewhere weakness is our strength,
And i'll die searching for it,
I can't let myself regret, such selfishness,
My pain I know the trouble caused, no matter how long,
I believe that there's hope,

buried beneath it all, and,
hiding beneath it all and,
growing beneath it all and...

This is, how we'll dance when,
when they try to take us down,
This is how we'll sing out...
This is, how we'll stand when,
when they burn our houses down,
This is what we'll be Oh Glory!

Reaching as I sink down into life.
Reaching as I sink down into life.

This is, how we dance when,
when they try to take us down,
This is how we'll sing out.
This is, how we'll stand when,
when they burn our houses down,
This is what we'll be Oh Glory!

- Paramore ( from their album 'Riot!', 2007)

will you accept?

Feeling very open and honest today. i want to kill tenstion. I've made some shitty mistakes in life, like everyone else, but i am confident that i can pull through. my intentions are good, but intent vs impact is tricky.

i am changing. slowly. gradually. and i can only hope those who actually care for me will hold out :)

much love, and keep reading.


p.s. i want so badly to right all my wrongs. seems like every time i try i ruin it. I'm hoping for another chance, but am comfortable accepting i may never get one.