He told me to make sure and tell you: the name is an anagram.

Roman Polanski’s film ‘Rosemarys Baby’ (made in 1968) remains the single most indepth interrogation of motherhood and reproduction. Rosemary and her Husband Guy Woodhouse move into a beautifl new apartment in new york. Guy , a struggling actor, spends most of the film concerned about his career and the impending birth of his first child. Coincidentally, Rosemary is not a concern of his ; her womb however is.

The more you talk the more you irkin us - the more you're gonna need memorial services

What people seem to not realize is that i am my greatest enemy. There is no way anyone is more angry with me then i am. So all the sly comments are not needed, and anyway aren’t you supposed to be “truth”? Sounds like bullshit to me.I am so grateful for Olivia. The only level headed person to come out the mess that was my fake college friendships. Well fake is being fair - these people were vipers, I’ve never known such evil and hatred - more importantly i hope i never do again. Anyways - Olivia & i have an understanding. We’re matched in our fears and hopes. We both suffer from similar backgrounds - but allow each other some complexity. She is amazing. She sees through every ones bullshit just as much as i do. & plus she’s not so stupid as to take sides with someone based on a one sided story - and still try to call themselves righteous, “truth”, and most of all feminist?!?!? That’s a joke. More like white supremacists who happen to have vaginas.I spent a lot of the afternoon with James. It was nice. We were able to shift through the rise in guilt I’ve been feeling lately and he too had words that soothed me. He told me that it’s obvious i don’t need people who have no respect, manners, self reflection, or dignity. He told me that he watched me go through the initial phases and that i was not malicious. He told me he knew i was just trying to take care of myself and that only someone who was actually selfish would be against that. Good stuff. He also mentioned that he appreciated me.While patriarchy is the root of all evil and i cannot stress enough my investment in the status of women in this country - women are vipers. It is the feminist (like the ones I’ve had the displeasure to know) who give the movement a bad name. They are the ones who drive women who are “different” - straight, liberal, black, Latina, Asian, chubby, self reflexive, etc.- to the margins. It is women like them who set the standards for everyone else, but are always breaking them. They say sisterhood is real - what they really mean it is survival is dependent on your compliance with their mission and their mission only. No deviation from the path. Eternal submission. It’s sick. Glad I’m out of it and into reality where real people have real expectations - and not expectations spawned in the mind of a feminist militant who’s less than sane. In the end the men in my life are proving to be more accountable, responsible, respectful, and humbled than the women I’ve known.So: dinner with Susie tonight, then to olives, then i get to see Miranda. Today was tough, but i made it through. And what got me through were the friends that love me. & everyday will get a little easier…

The Drought

Last night i wrote a 6 page paper in two hours - impressive. I was surrounded by noise - but it only helped, it didnt hurt. I also looked at my school transcript today and turns out i have an extra couple credits. So im right on scheduel. I will graduate in may, i will go to disney world, and then i will begin a life that has nothing to do with UNH - i think i have the courage to move on.



Last night i head some beautiful music - got to listen to some lil wayne, fall out boy, amy winehouse, and Armin van Burin. Lil Wayne’s “I feel like dying” is classic. When i listen to hip hop and rap i feel connected. White feminist are predominatly avidly against rap/hip hop music (while claiming to be racially ‘awake’ in ways i consider rare) without challenging how their “dislike” is just an extension of their white supremecist politics - just because you fight for the advancement of women’s rights doesn’t make you exempt from acts of racism. Me though, i feel connected, understood, and alive. It just hit my soul at the right angle - - “I am sittin on the clouds I got smoke coming from my seat I can play basketball with the moon I got the whole world at my feet…”

Two tears in a bucket, motherfuck it.!

I'm writing you a letter today - it makes me nervous and wracks my bones. But i feel good about it too. I'm finally going to release the ghost. You will proably read it and feel nothing - but i hope i am underestimating you. I hope that you are better than i give you credit for. & i hope i am better too.

We sit

We sit facing
With nothing to say.
Your eyes burn holes in
Me. I think of eyes.
Your stares are embers.
They burn in the fire.
But when they look at
Me, they die a bit.
We sit staring,
Wondering what the
Other is thinking.
In between us the
Table dips.
Making us pillars
That are blue with envy.
We sit talking,
But not with a voice.
You talk by licking
You lips.
I talk by stroking
My ear lobes. You ask
Is it important
To me? I scream yes!
You
and I are so tense.
We know not any
Of each others
Moves.
We sit moving.
I twiddle my thumbs
Why are we sitting
When we want to dance?
You speak so often.
We always want to
Touch. You stop talking
And look up. Why should
I believe you when
You reach for me?
You always ignore
Me. You start to move.
Your hand raised and long.
Your finger tips flame
At the sight of me.
Just before you reach me.
Before your flame burns
The slow curve of my
Lips I pull away.
We sit facing
With nothing to say.

Well, im a bigger box office drag

Why, WHY (i ask you) do people feel its needed to talk during a movie in the theater?!?!?!? Last night i saw Friday the 13Th with some friends - it was awful as expected but i see everything because it will only broaden my horizons. I want to have as much movie knowledge as possible - i know i have the ability to make change, to grow, and to dazzle people with my skills. Its not just that i like movies (like so many who write pretentious movie titles all over everything and think they like ‘film’) but rather that i breathe them. I watch at least 5-7 movies a day and if anything gets in my way, like school, i say fuck it. I’ve been paying the university for four years so they could learn from me and all of the magnificent, brave, and honest people i now am close with. Anyway - the movie was awful overall, however did have some bright spots that id like to share. For one thing - as predicted - the film saw the triumph of WOMEN! Whitney, who i was lead to believe as a minor character- turned out to be the center of the story. Not only did she end up being the center but secured her place in ‘final girl’ history. ‘Final Girl’ theory explores the last surviving female in feature horror films. Famous final girls include: Sydney Prescott(Scream), Nancy (Nightmare on elm st), Sally (Texas Chainsaw Massacre), Lorie Strode (Halloween), and Alice (Friday the 13Th- original). These women not only fight for their survival throughout the film by outsmarting the killer (who is the symbol of patriarchy incarnate), they also avenge the deaths of the other many female victims by metaphorical castration! It’s brilliant. I know that many people would write horror movies off as pornography, disgusting, and pro-violence against women and while i agree with these thoughts i believe that anyone who does not give something a chance and at least try to learn is an ass hole who doesn’t deserve to be listened to. I’ve always had a knack for deconstructing horror films and making very intelligent observations -

I learned to love eating apples with lex behind the dsc room. That will always be one of my greatest memories of her. I miss her dearly. We keep in touch regularly tho - so shes never far from my thoughts. I got up early this morning - made muffins for james, vanessa, john, and miranda. It felt good to do something so simple. I’ve let cooking/baking become a HUGE outlet for me. Since starting to cook just about twice a day, every day - i feel beautiful, more centered. It’s very nice. I also got a beautiful new 9 cube shelf - cheap!Good things about today:Steak DianeTaking LOTS of pictures& Dallas season 4 :)

Dizzy Dancers

This morning i got to thinking about the past. My past, here at UNH, is filled with joys - and horrors. I still try to sift through them but im not even sure why anymore. Although i have the most wonderful life: (including but not limited to) someone who loves me, great sex, money, (finally) non-shady friends, a family who takes care of me and loves me unconditionally, and a promising future lined up. So why then do i still feel unfinished? Like something or someone escaped the margins of my being and blew me up from the outside? I’m at the end of my dizzyness. For the last year, since miranda and i began dating, i have felt out of control - judged - watched - mistreated. But now it seems ive reached my end. All the circles i was forced into and all the bullshit i took from people is finally fading. I’m happy. I’m actually happy - and there is nothing and no one who can change that. My past is littered with my own mistakes. Whether or not anyone believes me ive taken accountability for anything i may have done. I’m not self righteous. I can recognize a mistake - and i can say im sorry and mean it. I’m extremely proud of the woman i am/becoming. I am no longer absorbing the critique of being “backstabbing, slutty, immature, or evil.” Ive finally learned to take what they say with a grain of salt - besides they aren’t perfect, no matter what they think.



Things to look forward to:



Valentines day surprises

Friday the 13th remake

Drag Ball

Spring internship

New Job

New apartment

My birthday

Fall out boy concert

& Graduating and moving out of NH to see the real world



In my thoughts about the past i wondered ” how can you tell whos hurt whom?” Everyone thinks that they are in the right - that they have rarely hurt, but have been hurt. Is there relationship karma? And if so what suit does it come disguised in? I’m beginning to think the gratest karma of all is happiness. my happiness. your happiness. Because without it - we’re no better than them.

p.s. Pamela Ewing is hot.

Janice Dickinson, a bear, and a fall out boy fan board a plane...

Oh - and im also excited for my may vacation with olivia and miranda to....DISNEY WORLD!!!!! Its mirs graduation present to me. Awsome. and Olivia totally deserves a vacation so of course shes coming too!

Under the Monsters Control

What if one day, when we thought we had it all together, we were stripped of that power we thought we had? What if you were tossed a complete curve ball? As humans we want control, doesn’t matter where it comes from. We try to control everything from games, to TV, to food [calories], even the natural state of our hair. - Side note: By "our" i really mean black women. There is a specificity to the internalized racism of the black woman (like myself) who straightens her hair to fit with mainstream white society. It cannot be challenged , extended, or duplicated. It is specific.



And when we can’t get our fix with those material/ inanimate things we turn to people. There is in fact something sick and twisted about people who're obsessed with control.

It,You
it was you who tore nails down my back
punctured my ribs
you wound me up, pulled my puppet strings - and even danced on my grave
It,you. It is you.
Message: you.owe.me
& i think we're both glad we're away from you.